Today, I bruised my coccyx. No, no, don’t Google it! The pictures are terrifying and I didn’t do anything so dramatic as the page 1 of images would have you believe. There’s no harrowing bruises. Actually, there’s no bruise at all. They just don’t have an official “slight dinging of your tailbone” check-box on medical forms.
I’ve learned that one of my least favorite children’s stories was completely correct.
You should not jump on the bed.
Especially if by “jump on the bed”, you mean “throw yourself backwards onto a futon that doesn’t have enough mattress to cover all the metal bits”.
I know what you’re thinking:
- How could “5 Little Monkeys” be anyone’s least favorite children’s story? What monkey stories were better?
- What’s the difference between a slightly dinged tailbone and a butt bruise?
- That’s the most ridiculous injury ever!
- A bruised coccyx must make blogging difficult.
All good thoughts. Let’s address them.
How could “5 Little Monkeys” be anyone’s least favorite children’s story? What monkey stories were better?
I didn’t like “5 Little Monkeys” as a child because it was boring– basically just a song drawn into as many pages as possible. As an adult, I agree– it’s just a quick jingle stretched out to maximum value to sell merchandise. Plus, that mama monkey was an awful mama! All her kids broke their heads.
My top three children’s stories featuring a monkey would have to be:
What’s the difference between a slightly dinged tailbone and a butt bruise?
A butt bruise, I would imagine, is just a bruise on your butt. It would probably hurt when you touched it, like a normal bruise, and heal within a few days.
A slightly dinged tailbone hurts whenever you sit down, or whenever you get up from sitting down. It feels a lot like sitting flush against a wall that has something pushing against a specific point in your lower spine. I hear it takes months to heal.
That’s the most ridiculous injury ever!
Sadly, no. Here are four examples of more ridiculous injuries that I have suffered in the course of my life.
- I’ve fallen down multiple staircases after jumping up them either blindfolded or on one leg. (It’s trickier than it sounds.)
- I’ve gotten a Q-tip stuck in my ear. (Buy brand names.)
- I’ve electrocuted myself because I wasn’t paying attention and inserted my finger into an outlet. (I’ve told you that I’m not a morning person.)
- I cracked a tooth by biting into a rock to see if I could crack open the rock. (I couldn’t.)
A bruised coccyx must make blogging difficult.
To prevent that from happening, I’m going to work out a way to blog from a non-seated position. The obvious solution would be to lie down with the laptop in bed, but I’m imagining something more like this:
Now one of the few things I have to figure out (aside from where to get a hammock and how to sneak into a private beach) is how my “paradise hat” should look. I’m thinking it should be decorated with little monkeys and bruise-colored flowers, in honor of the incident that inspired my soon-to-be paradise-blogging stylings.
How would your paradise hat look?