Guest Post: MissFourEyes Dreams of Super Heroes

Please welcome my guest blogger, MissFourEyes!  Around these parts, she’s more commonly known as the Naked Blogging Goddess.    This post is clothing-optional so long as you stay behind your screen.  Send tons of rawr-love her way! http://missfoureyes.wordpress.com/

When I was 4 years old my goal in life was to be a superhero. It didn’t matter what kind of superpowers I had, telekinesis, mind reading, all the things Superman does, anything. I wanted to be a superhero and fight crime *kapow*

kapow

I don’t want all those superpowers anymore. I guess I got a little lazy. With great power comes great responsibilities right? Plus, being like Superman wouldn’t work out very well, my granny panties don’t look nearly as amazing as you would think on the outside.
But after reading Rara’s post on her favorite Meta-Metas, I got to thinking how amazing it would be to be a real superhero, one that could actually help real people.

Top 7 superheroes I want to be:

  • The Remarkable Rememberer (da da da!)– I would remember exactly where I parked my car, why I walked into that room, and my entire grocery list without even looking at it. I would remember everything. I would also remember the exact date and time that you took my Matrix DVD, even though you say you didn’t. I would like it back.
  • OneLiner Woman– After being insulted, I would never have to respond with “mmha whaa…?!”and think of a good comeback in the shower two weeks later. With these powers, I would instantly shoot back clever one-liners and show my evil nemesis what the verbal equivalent of *kapow* is!
  • The Terrific TP– I would use my powers to manifest toilet paper anywhere and at any crucial moment. Emergency TP ‘situations’ in the office, including TPing the boss’s cabin, would be taken care of with a snap of my fingers.
    Also very useful during flu season. Tissue anyone?
  • Mistress CSR – The ability to make all customer service reps bump my call to the head of the line. I’d have all my queries and complaints responded to instantly, all appointments booked immediately, and everything I need fixed would really be fixed within 24 hours. The costume would come with a whip, just because.
  • The Jurassic Jar Opener– I’d be able to open any tight jar in one shot without having to take it to a dark sketchy street to have it sawed open or ask my arch enemy, The Neighbor.
  • Doody Girl – All dog poop would be nicely wrapped up and appropriately discarded of with just a look. If needed, I would be able transport the poop to the bottom of The Neighbor’s gym locker.
  • Super Blogger– I’d never run out of ideas for blog posts, bye bye writer’s block! Along with never-ending ideas, I would be able to read and comment on hundreds of other blogs at super human speed.

Lastly I think I would like to have a superpower that allows me to come up with better superhero names.
What about you, what superhero would you like to be?

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Now that you love MissFourEyes as much as I do, visit her blog for more of her particular brand of generous, warm humor and introspection.  If I were you, I’d start here:

http://missfoureyes.wordpress.com/2012/10/08/the-inability-to-spit-like-a-man/
http://missfoureyes.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/hello-someone-nice-to-meet-you/
http://missfoureyes.wordpress.com/2012/11/09/this-post-is-entirely-about-cyborgs/

79 thoughts on “Guest Post: MissFourEyes Dreams of Super Heroes

  1. Hey! I already told you I’d get you your Matrix DVD back just as soon as you returned my Day After Tomorrow DVD! Oh, wait.. was that someone else? Maybe I need the super remembering powers too! Though, I think I’d really rather be Superman. I understand the whole responsibility bit and always need to save the world and live selflessly like that – cool, I can handle it because I can shoot lasers out of my eyes (okay, okay, it’s really just heat vision, but we aren’t going to get into semantics right?). Lasers! Out of my Eyes! Case closed.

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    1. Bahaha! I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but there are these animated shorts involving a squirrel named Foamy who rants a lot. Well one of the other cartoon squirrels named Pillz-E is always talking about needles in his eyes and your last little bit there totally reminded me of that, “Needles! In my eyes!” you should check it out if you’re not easily offended: http://illwillpress.com

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      1. For it is time for you to wake up and take your squirrel to the bagel shop! To get a bagel. With some cream cheese. The cheesey creamy cheese.

        Five more minutes!

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    2. As a kid I was always scared of shooting lasers out of my eyes, what if it hurt? What if I forgot to take my glasses off and it reflected off of them and killed me instead?!
      But yeah, Lasers! Out of your eyes! I think you’d make a great Superman

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      1. Ahhh, thanks! Hadn’t considered the reflective glasses part – I guess I figured if you could do the whole lasers out of your eyes trick you could probably give yourself the corrective surgery…

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  2. “mmha whaa?”
    How about the Competent Commenter? Sometimes I want to comment on a post so much, but I can’t think of anything that will compare to the brilliance of the post.

    Yep, that is all I got.

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  3. The Power Napper? Using the punchcard-timeclock of life to allow everyone at work and at home to take a brief siesta in the middle of the day with no loss of productivity.

    I also wouldn’t mind a Super Snoozer, warping the laws of physics and time to allow one to sleep in and still get up on time. That might be more of a magic alarm clock than superhero though.

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    1. Oh yeah! We all need that. No matter who you’re calling you will be answered first. “I’m sorry we can’t…..oh Dianne Gray, let me put you right through to the President.”

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  4. I have a trick so you can be The Jurassic Jar Opener and wow every body at parties with your super strength…there is no jar I cannot open. I swear. It’s true. It works. Every time. At least so far. If it doesn’t work for you, don’t tell me, because then I would feel bad for getting you all excited. So here’s what you do. You take a butter knife and slide the tip of it under the edge of the lid and use it like a crow bar, but gently, and you lift, but just enough, until the vacuum seal pops. Wha-la. Lid opens. Don’t go all He-Man on it or the glass will break, but with just enough pressure you will hear a pop. Once the vacuum seal is broken, the pressure holding the lid to the jar is released. The Pampered Chef makes a fancy gadget that does it, but that costs money, and I’m cheap, and I already own butter knives. I probably didn’t describe it very well; pictures would probably help.

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  5. I’ve always been partial to superheroes that don’t have any powers beyond being amazingly bad-ass guys, like Batman or The Punisher. Or Rorschach, I could totally get into being Rorschach. No magic powers, no mutant abilities, just tons of attitude and a willingness to thump first and ask questions later. I guess that’s less “being a superhero” and more “being a thug in funny clothes.”

    I’m okay with that. Sadism and style should always go hand in hand.

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  6. I want those powers too! I need those powers. Although I do get exercise wandering around looking for things I lost and then forgetting what I was looking for and having to start over again. So fun! Now I wish I had agreed to guest post for Rara! But glad to see you in action, Naked Blog Goddess! (best superhero name ever)

    Superhero names? Spandex girl, Titanium Butt, That Guy – you know that guy, Dung Beetle, Alice, Fairy of Fury, Ikea Man, E.L. James (supervillian), Super Mary Poppins, Flamingo Lass, Blogman and his sidekick, Twitter.

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    1. You think of the best superhero names! I bow to you, mighty Alice At Wonderland.

      As for all the exercise you get looking for lost things, me too, Alice, me too. It’s like my dog when she tries to chase her tail, except she’s smart and stops after a while. I just keep going around in circles

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  7. I’d like to be the Remarkable Rememberer, Oneliner Woman, and Super Blogger. More so the last two. It’s like my brain decides to activate at the most inconvenient times like when I’m trying to sleep.

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  8. This is hilarious! Clever of course.

    I love your issue with one-liners — meeee tooooo… I’d love to have alternate days with you being Oneliner Woman. It could take me years to come back, and boy that’s weird.

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  9. awesome! I love Doody Girl cause I hate my neighbor’s dog pooping in my yard. Although I would love to One Liner Woman in action

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    1. The problem with dog poop on my yard is that I never know who to blame. It must be the neighbor’s dog, surely my dog couldn’t have managed to evacuate her system THAT much. But then she does eat a lot…
      Either way Doody Girl to the rescue!

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  10. Brilliant post as always 🙂 I can definitely relate to Doody Girl. The streets around here are a veritable poop minefield. We have one street eloquently dubbed “Shit street”, I once counted 31 dog craps in space of only 70 meters or so. Oh how I’d love to zap them into oblivion with some heat ray vision!

    As for me when I was young I wanted to be (damn this is lame) Risk Taker Rohan. I used to be a danger man but now I look about 6 times crossing a road so that didn’t really happen :/

    Great post, always makes me smile 🙂

    Rohan.

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    1. Yikes! 31 dog craps in 70 meters?! Whoa. You need Doody Girl more than I do.

      Risk Taker Rohan sounds pretty awesome! But hey, regular Rohan and I are the same. Some days looking 6 times before crossing the road isn’t enough.

      Thanks for stopping by, Rohan 😉

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  11. I actually never liked Superman. Aside from the whole underwear thing, he’s too perfect. He has almost every superpower I ever heard of, he’s flipping bulletproof… And all he has to do to make people not recognize him is wear glasses??? Poo. Give me the X-Men any day. They actually had realistic issues to deal with.

    As for me, I would want to be Lucid Dreamer Girl. I mean, I deal with zombie hookers and dinosaur-riding aliens and giant talking purple penguins on a nightly basis. I would love to be able to make a purposeful difference in my dreams AND remember them come morning!

    Unless I could be a Jedi. Always be a Jedi. Just… y’know, minus the mass slaughter and likely death part. I’d love to be a Jedi during the height of their society!

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    1. Oh man I’d love to be Lucid Dreamer Girl! That is way better than Superman (and yeah, his glasses thing cracked me up every time)
      ‘Always be a Jedi’ Yes to that! Everyone should want to be a Jedi.

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  12. I already have a super hero alter ego, “Oblivio-Lad.” My super power is being really densely oblivious to stuff, especially when someone likes me.

    I’m still working out the theme song.

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      1. Sure, that’d be fun! Of course you have to remember that anyone with Lad in their name is either a sidekick or part of an Intergalactic hero team from the future, so dress accordingly.

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  13. I’d love to be Plain Old Healthy Person (POHP) never need another doctor’s appointment, be done with medications for the rest of my life, and just be normal — a lot to ask, I know, but you asked me! 😎

    Like

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