i want you to laugh.

pie in your face 2I want to tell you about all the awfulness in my life, some that has passed, some that I am still working through.

I want to tell you about funerals, doomsday doctors, people that can’t be trusted, and the accusations that tore my soul.  I want to warn you about what it’s like to be falsely criminalized and how several decades of honorable living doesn’t sway anyone, least of all a courtroom.  I want to tell you about a fear so real that it claws your soul and keeps you awake at night.  I want to explain why a girl surrounded by loved ones, educated, and powerful in her own right would consider divorce, suicide, and prostitution.  I want to share stories of bug-infested hotels, and untreated flus, and other people’s leftover food.  I want to teach you how I learned to lie in order to protect people– Good people– and how I learned that not everyone has goodness in their core.  I want to tell you how it feels to sell your wedding ring and the stuffed animal that you had since childhood, and what it feels like to have people tell you that you deserve every bad thing that happened to you.  I want to rip open my chest and show you what heartbreak looks like, and how it’s caused by people failing you in your time of need.

I want to pull the veins from my body, tearing them out alongside the hurts that have imprinted themselves on my blood cells, and present my nightmares to you on a silver platter.

pie-in-faceThen I want you to take that shiny, slimy, bloody tray– and laugh.

I don’t want you to feel the sadness, pain, anger, and resentment that hallmarked those moments.

I want you to see the reflection of yourself and think: Thank God it wasn’t me!

I want you think that perhaps at least a little of the pain was the universe calling in a karmic debt because everything is connected in some way.  I want you to see all my trauma as nothing more than a cosmic pie splattered right in my face.  I want you to be so filled with Schadenfreude that when you open your mouth to reply, it comes out as a giggle.

Yes.

I want you to laugh.

soupy_sales_pie-in-faceBecause if you’re laughing, it means you see yourself in the tray.  It means you feel vulnerable, mortal, and frightened, too– and then I am not alone in my fears.   It means that you see these gashes and festering wounds as boo-boos and bruises, and you are sure I can recover.  Your laughter means you are celebrating your good fortune and my strength.

I need you to laugh so I can celebrate with you, and heal.  I need to heal so I can wipe pie off my face and move on.

So when I am finally ready to carve a hole in my soul wide enough for you to crawl inside and look around– and you see the mess left behind and the damage done– please remember: I want you to laugh.

______________________________________________________

Prompts for the Promptless – Episode 3, Schadenfreude

This week’s cast so far:

134 Comments

  1. Wow, powerful post Rara! I know for sure that the things you went through not only had meaning for you but for the many readers of your blog. Cruelty and needless suffering is never justified but if it can bring yourself and others to new places of healing, transformation and laughter that’s something pretty wonderful 🙂

    Thanks for being you and for blogging your heart out!

    Take care, all the best 🙂

    Rohan.

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  2. Hope you mean that… I landed on this entry and thought, “Whoa, what happened here? What has happened with Raursaur? I practically stood up and offered to beat up the offender. Then I thought, well, what has she been writing lately and I tracked backwards and read of your internet being out (luckily for only a short time) – came back here to this one, reread it and thought: “Oh, man, if this is Raursaur after a short loss of internet, my God, what will happen if we have a solar flare?” (wink face)

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    1. Haha, I love you guys. Thank you for the laughter! Unfortunately, the little stories were all true and active situations. Most of the time, I just go about my day, but maybe when the internet went out I had too much time to really think. 🙂

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      1. Well, hon, so far 65 comments – lotta love surrounding you in the midst of that pain. I have felt the rawness you speak of. And also, the inside narrator who stands off to the side – the writer, who sees humor at the most inappropriate times and still makes me laugh despite myself. I’m very thankful for that.

        P.S., I was unfamiliar with this promptless challenge – just beginning to realize what you were referencing.

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  3. Wow…very…
    I’m not sure what the word is. Raw, I guess. I feel it’s kind of passionate, but in the emotional way, not in the ‘I must have you now’ way.
    My comment is not nearly the match of eloquence to your post, but yeah. You did good. Thumbs up.
    Seriously. It resonated with me (big word!). I felt I could relate. It’s the kind of thing that I think an awful lot of people relate to…a universal truth, and those are hard to capture.

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    1. 🙂 My family says ” tantrum, live-theater or romance novel cover” when someone says “passionate”… so I get what you mean. It’s one of those words where there’s such a variance in meaning. 🙂 Thank you for your words, and for your understanding!

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  4. I’m touched, but I can’t laugh dear. My eyes are full of tears. ” what it feels like to have people tell you that you deserve every bad thing that happened to you.” Its horrible.

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    1. It *is* a horrible thing to say, and when it’s implied… it’s almost even worse than when it’s just said straight out. Thanks for reading, and for your empathy. 🙂

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  5. I never think, “Thank god it wasn’t me.” I am pure empathy. I think, “Oh god, I am there, this is happening to me.” But I cry when I laugh. I smile through my tears. I am a walking bundle of emotions, constantly oozing. Gross. I don’t believe in reasons, things just happen. I don’t believe in luck, everything is chance. There is no plan. But I believe in love and I believe in helping strangers.

    Rara, I will do my darndest to laugh, if you need me to, but only if you laugh with me.

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    1. 🙂 Thank you, Jill– I love you that you ooze, it’s what makes your writing so powerful. 🙂 As far as laughing with you, of course I will, I can’t help but laugh when others are, and when you get right down to it… even horrible things can be funny in a morbid, bizarre sort of way.

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  6. Ahwz darling here’s to smiles and laughter! Sometimes I feel a bit too tiny for this world but when that’s over I am so happy the Universe gave me a middle finger 😉

    Rawr!!!! 😀

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  7. I smiled at your attempt to make us laugh at your misfortunes. It is a kind of strength that is difficult to put into words (and yet you have). I also smiled at your take on schadenfreude – it is the most altruistic one yet. Kudos!

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    1. Thank you, Frank– After the last few years, feeling like someone of great character like yourself recognizes my character means quite a lot. *hugs*

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  8. I was wondering how someone would write this prompt. Very well done, because I can relate to all of it. I never had to sell my childhood stuffed animal, but I think that anyone can relate to the feeling that others were not there when you needed them the most and the power of laughter to keep your chin up and show your strength when it is dark around you. Eloquently written and moving to read. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Yes, the details are different for everyone, but the universal truths in sad stories are all the same, right? 🙂 Thanks for reading and understanding, Jon! And do check out the other prompt entries… the scope of entries on this one is really fascinating. 🙂

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      1. I will. I have thought about writing for this one, but honestly the topic is intimidating to me. Would I come off as insensitive, or even cruel. I find it intriguing though. So who knows. If the topic hits me I will contribute. Thank you for all you do!!

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        1. I know what you mean. . . I went a few different directions with this word and may even do a silly version of the prompt still. I mean, I laugh every time poor Fozzie Bear is mocked off the stage. . . that’s Schadenfreude! It’s part of life, no different than anger or sadness. . . or feeling joy at another’s success. It’s complicated like any emotion, but emotions aren’t bad or good. . . it’s our words and actions that matter.

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          1. Well said, I think my problem is that deep down I still have a part of me that worries what others think and it is a weakness. I am going to give this a go, I may not get anything good but I am going to try. Just an emotion neither bad nor good, tremendous way to look at it. 🙂

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  9. I feel you. I hear you. I’ve been there. I am there. I laugh too. I let people laugh with me. And therein lies the healing.

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    1. I’ve been trying to write my story in something other than vagaries and your blog has been a great inspiration for that. Your suffering has been different from mine in the details and the cast, but it’s eerie how similar stories of being stepped on really are. So we laugh till we heal, right? 🙂 Yay us!

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      1. Strength comes from the core and laughter comes from the core, (at least true laughter does), so laughter must make strength stronger. Yes, we laugh until we heal. 🙂 Yay us!
        I know you’ve been trying to write your story. You’ve alluded to it as much as you can (and your husband has given us a taste of the horror). It will come. When you and your story are ready, it will tell itself and your fingers will be the vessel through which it comes. You will cry, and we will cry with you. I cried today. I cried for you and I cried for me. It cuts deep to suffer for someone else’s gain. It cuts deep to feel the pain, knowing it is not earned.

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        1. Logically, I know you’re right to let it come, but I’m embarrassed by how hard it is to tell. I’m embarrassed by the fact that I’m embarrassed about it– even though I didn’t do anything wrong. La. And then it’s all so jumbled in my mind. Plus, I’m not sure if it’s healthy to write it out and dwell on it, so that holds me back a little too. My goal is to write a sort of light-hearted version of it for the B4Peace forgiveness prompt, but I’m trying not to pressure myself. . . it’s just a nudge. 🙂

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          1. Two years after I left my ex-husband, I started writing my story. Two years. It’s been 11 months since he stole my children with the court’s help, and I still haven’t told that story. 11 months, and there will be more months until I can and do tell that story.
            These stories are hard to tell. There is embarrassment, lots. I can tell you, some of that is alleviated once the story is told. There is some left, and that’s where we come in. We come in and love and support you. We tell you we understand and share our own stories with you. The group of wronged souls grows in number, and each soul grows in strength for being one less alone, and having the opportunity to use our own experience to lessen the pain of another wronged soul.
            Plus, there’s the added bonus that once it’s out of your head and on paper, you don’t have to carry that weight anymore, you don’t have to remember the details because the paper will do that for you.
            I don’t mean to pressure you, so if this sounds like that, I’m sorry. You know you best, and you will do what is good for you. -much love to you-

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  10. Beautifully written and perfectly understood by someone who feels the same way. When I see someone who is suffering, I know in the depths of myself that that was, is, or will be me. I also know that nothing is permanent and the best way through anything is through it, not around it. And on your way through it, laughter heals the rips and tears that come with the territory of moving forward through the brambles.

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    1. “laughter heals the rips and tears that come with the territory of moving forward through the brambles.” – Eloquently said. 🙂 I hope we’re right, because I’m putting all my faith on that strategy, haha. 🙂

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  11. Dunkirk spirit Rara. And, if it helps, I’m always happy for you to throw a pie in my face and laugh. 🙂

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  12. I can’t laugh at this. I can’t laugh at your pain or make it my pain by proxy. But you can laugh, and I can help you laugh, and laugh with you (not at you), and maybe we can heal together.
    Tough post.

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  13. Your words are soul-filled and…yes….we are all connected. Although I’ve never experienced what you’ve been through in life (plenty of my own trauma though), we are fellow sojourners and therefore, our hearts bleed and laugh together. We all need to wake up and tune in to the hidden sadness and pain around us.

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  14. Been there … and still, to some degree am there … and totally empathize and understand. I am deeply glad you can laugh and be yourself anyhow. Good for you and more power to you. Head up, flags flying, keep the faith and keep on keeping on!!

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    1. You’re right. There’s so much strength around us, and good cheer, that a lot of the details in the background get left unnoticed. Thank you for your contribution to Prompts for the Promptless!

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  15. I will laugh, because you asked. But, I’m not sure I’ll find it funny. I’m certain that the injustice done and the consequences of that injustice will rile me up, tap my inner angry demon that has been hidden for many years, and make me want to fight against a system that I’ve seen crumbling and failing and in great need of an overhaul, increasing exponentially with each passing year.

    But, for you, I will laugh. I will let you know that I have the same fears. I will let you know that everything happens for a reason. I will let you know that you do have people you can rely on, even if we are laughing with you at the pie on your face. I will laugh until my laughter becomes infectious and you laugh too. Because it is funny, that pie in the face gag is always funny, and it hurts our pride less and hurts our hearts less when we can see that humor in it. So, for you, my dear RAWRing dinosaur of awesomeness, I will laugh.

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    1. 🙂 Yes, exactly, to everything you said. Thanks for sharing in the laughter, and I’m sorry if that means you also end up sharing in the angst. *hugs*

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      1. Yes, you would be bored, but I wish for you to feel some if the alternative is pain. I see in you a spirit who knows happiness, so to hear that you truly knew the inverse somehow hurts me. I know that is selfish and that what I see might not be there if things had gone differently for you. So I will listen and laugh with you if that is what it takes for you to heal. Big big hugs for you!

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  16. Hahahahaha! heehee! ho ho ho 🙂 🙂 🙂 What are you like? no, stop it, hey! whoaaa teehee – Boy I needed that – V

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      1. I always worry that you’ll ‘get’ me wrong Rara… I actually worried about this comment quite a lot last night – but I feel better now, thanks 🙂

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        1. 🙂 Never worry, V. I get you just fine, and I love that you respond to posts like we’re in the middle of a conversation… it’s “real”, and it’s brilliant. 🙂

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  17. A case of “laughing with you”, because as much as the joy does, the pain conects us too.
    And sharing that, with a big round of laughter lessens the worst parts of it.

    Beautifully said, Rarasaur.
    I’d laugh with you any day.

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  18. I want to tell you that you are an immensely powerful writer, that your post was heart breakingly beautiful, that your strength and resilience shine through your words.

    I want to say so many wonderful things about this post, because it moved me so immeasurably, but what can I say, that hasn’t already been said by so many of your wonderful readers above…. 🙂

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  19. I recall you have had some really tough times & I think it’s great if you can think of them as lessons learned & struggles conquered. I have had a hard time in my life also & when I write about my hard times, I always hope someone else finds some wisdom in my struggles & perhaps learns a little from how I got through.

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    1. That’s a thoughtful way of looking at things.. and I agree. If someone finds something of value in it, then it wasn’t all bad– true. 😀 Thanks for reading.

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    1. The link didn’t work… but yes, I’m finding that quite a few people have had the same experience, unfortunately! Still, we laugh, because anything else is a waste of time. 🙂 Thanks for reading!

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  20. No problem Rara.

    Actually, I have read it again, In addition to bearing the MANY other Comments in mind, & Married to the fact that I am still feeling unwell, due to the Long Term Depression that I am a sufferer of, I can now see my FLIPPANCY at my trying, & failing DISASTROUSLY. :-((((( at being ‘mildly funny’ :-(((((.

    That only makes me feel WORSE. :-(((((.

    My DEEPEST Apologies Rara, :-(((((

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    1. Oh Kevin, no apologies necessary at all. 🙂 I wasn’t offended in even the slightest littlest bit. If we can’t laugh, what’s the point? 🙂

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  21. Awwwww Thank You Rara, MUCH Appreciated.:). Causing offence, even of an accidental nature, is something that I DO try to be VERY watchful of.

    Yes Rara, You’re right there . 🙂

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    1. 🙂 Thank you for the re-blog… *hugs* I’m a little sorry that you “get it” because it means you’ve known something similar, but I guess now we get to laugh with each other, right? 🙂

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      1. Indeed. Don’t be sorry! By experiencing it, I’ve come through it, more than OK. My worst possible fear came true, and I didn’t die, I’m still here, I still have all I had before, and now, I know fears are (mostly) untrue. Keep writing, you. are. awesome. and I love your posts.

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