Search Engine Confession

Anyone who reviews their site or blog analytics knows that strange search terms bring people to sites all the time.

Many bloggers write hysterical posts outlining the weirdness of these requests, along with imaginary theories about how they came to be. I love these posts because they are, without fail, hilarious– but part of me is keeping a secret.

See, so often as to be ridiculous, I’m the one who used that search term.

Yep. I looked up “pink unicorn bunco”, “abraham lincoln t-rex dinosaurs“, “naked chicken run accent”, “smoke laptop“, and “british people date mustache woman”.

That was me.

Yes, I was probably searching for you and, yes, I did search for the same thing multiple times.

It worked the first time, didn’t it?

beautyandthebest

Judge my search engine skills all you want– I found what I was looking for, or someone nearly as awesome.  That’s a pretty good day.

So why do I use search engines as if I’m an emotionally-stunted, hyperactive spambot?

Good question!

  1. You may not have noticed, but the internet is pretty big now.  The easiest way to find something is to be specific, or be specific to terms that narrow down your options.
  2. I can find anything via search engine, due to years of effective researching and the part of my brain that remembers the most unique aspects of you or your posts.  It looks weird, but I promise you there is a method to my madness.
  3. I have the world’s worst memory when it comes to certain things– like blog names.  I remember you.  I know the names of your kids, and why you don’t play bunco, and what happened that weekend at Tahoe with the unicorn, and how your sister thinks you look best in pink.  I don’t remember your URL, though.
  4. I’m also very bad with the bookmark system.  I have about 30,000 bookmarks because everything catches my interest for at least a second.  On the internet, I’m like a little bird in a world of tiny foil slivers and worms.
  5. Regarding the grammar, search engines don’t understand prepositional phrases or past participles, people.  I just type in nouns and the bare minimum of other words– even the order of the words has little importance.
  6. I have a weird sense of humor.  Sometimes I’ll be typing, “R2D2 Cupcakes” and suddenly have the need to follow it up with the words, “Made with plastic monkeys”.  Then I subject someone, usually Dave, to the wonderful results that brings up.
  7. You are prioritized by Bing and Google because I have visited you before.  So, in the case of R2D2 Cupcakes Made with Plastic Monkeys, no doubt one or two of you would be brought up in the first 15 results.  I’d recognize your name and follow the trail of tin foil to your blog, even though part of me knows that you don’t specifically have an answer to my query.
  8. I forget that people can see search engine results.  This is a big one.  It wasn’t too long ago that I trolled WordPress blogs searching for the word “naked”.  It was important, I promise.

So, that’s my confession for today. 

I apologize for any confusion my bizarre searches may have caused you.

  • Do you have anything you’d like to confess today?
  • Link me to your last search engine query post, I love those things.
  • Also, since this narrowly relates to search engines, go to Google.com and type in the word “askew”.

89 Comments

  1. Lol! Love this post. So true. I have another blog that gets nothing but random searches (it’s a humour blog based on my column that runs in a newspaper here). I’m pretty sure less than 1% of the time people actually find me by typing in the actual web address. Usually it’s. “ugly girl swimming” or “rocky balboa”….don’t ask. Here’s my lady search

    https://www.google.com.au/search?q=orange+tiny+worm+inside+seed+pod+australian&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari

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    1. I actually think I’ve search for naked yoga twice on your blog! Haha, once, because someone told me you might be the naked blogger I was looking for… who actually ended up being MissFourEyes.wordpress.com. (https://rarasaur.wordpress.com/2012/12/06/hado-i-lost-a-naked-blogger/) Another time because a few people asked me about naked blogging and I thought, for some reason, that you might have a post on it… (https://rarasaur.wordpress.com/2013/04/19/blogging-is-like-yoga/)

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  2. You say it better than I do, but that’s how I find things and there’s a local rumor that I can find anything if it is there to be found. It’s almost true. Ish. If you can remember any unique thing about whatever you’re looking for, bingo, that’ll probably do it! And weird stuff is memorable. Cool.

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  3. I have to confess that, for its first year, one of the top search words for my blog was ‘stupid’ – and it really worried me that Google was trying to tell me something…

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    1. Haha! Oh no, that’s awful and hilarious all at the same time. 😀 If it makes you feel any better, one of my top search terms is “you will be eaten”. Thank goodness Google doesn’t know the future! … or does it?! Dun dun dunnn…

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  4. The nonsense I get – “press the point pop outs” – reads pretty much like nonsense to me 😛 Mostly the search queries made sense though… although once I got traffic from somebody searching a reader’s full name! *omg stalker!* … I keep thinking there must be something interesting about the “unknown search terms” that the stats is keeping secret from me. 😛 Great angle on the topic 😉

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    1. Eek! That does sound stalker-ish! Yep, I have a feeling that a lot of the weird things I search are listed under “unknown”. 🙂 It’s a strange world, strange searches are needed!

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  5. So I actually did a blog post based on something that kept popping up in my search engine 🙂 How anal is that? The reasoning behind it is I had posted on my Bobbin Lace crafting, and lots of people were searching for bobbin lace suppliers and I noticed. So I did a post on where to get supplies for making bobbin lace.

    if they come I will build it LOL

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    1. Love it! That’s what I call customer service. I’m going to do repeated searches on your blog now for things I want to read about. See what you started? 😉

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      1. LOL could be interesting, make sure you search for half naked men suspended on meathooks, cos I can help you out there for sure!

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    1. Loved the link! Especially visiting “about:robots” in my browser. If you ever want to know what the loneliest number is, just type “the loneliest number” into Google. 🙂

      I didn’t actually look for that one, haha, but once I found your blog when I was searching for green bean recipes! I forget the exact combo of words I used, but there you were– so I clicked around, but couldn’t figure out why. 🙂

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      1. about:robots is one of my favourites too! I can’t recall ever blogging about green beans but I’m glad you found your way.

        Awww poor lonely number 🙂

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        1. I couldn’t find a reason either, but I didn’t put quotations around green beans, so maybe it was searching for each individually or something. 🙂

          If you don’t get motion sick easily, you can also search Google for “do a barrel roll”. 🙂

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    1. The Justin Timberlake one is on someone else. However.

      I may or may not have been the one searching for dressed up penises, but that’s a long story… starting with a DIY tutorial for how to make your own Thor helmet… which turned out to be a tutorial on how to make your own Thor helmet for your penis. I needed to know how common dressing up your penis is, which — based on my extensive searches– is way more common than I expected, and still, pretty irregular. 🙂

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  6. The top search on mine is “Meaning of boomps-a-daisy”. I have a post with the title “Boomps-a-daisy”, but explain it in a later one. But don’t take the explanation too seriously – I’m partly guessing here! Sue

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    1. Haha! Now I’m searching for more information on boomps-a-daisies, and someone is going to have very strange search results show up on their list tomorrow… 😉

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  7. Ok, I’m stalking the comments and googled “do a barrel roll”. I should have paid attention to motion sickness portion of that comment.

    I use all sorts of weird search terms and am just grateful no one knows it’s me that used them. I have a lot of people looking for how to sedate spiders and motivational spider posters, showing up in my search terms.

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    1. I love the randomness of the “do a barrel roll” search, but it makes me a little sea-sick-ish.

      Motivational spider posters– that’s the best! 🙂 Other than “you will be eaten”, “sea otter” is probably my most popular search engine result. 🙂

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    1. Haha, the gal’s blog has since been moved to private, but the tagline used to be “british people date, too” or something like that. She had a hilarious post on why women should grow mustaches, even going so far as to suggest that we get them implanted… and I was trying to track back. It worked, by the way, I found her immediately. 🙂

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  8. I’m so relieved, Rara. I thought there some really weird people out here not following my blog. Because I must confess, I rarely get a good, weird search term. Apparently, I’m still not one of the cool kids!

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    1. I rarely get them either! We just need to write more about big girl panties, dressing up penises, crazy llamas, Justin Timberlake, sex scandals, and bagels!

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      1. I’ll leave that to you, Rara. I am reasonably content with the odd person looking for info on the Spanish Inquisition that I get from time to time.

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        1. Haha, alright, I’ll see what I can do. Though, Timberlake might be a necessary evil. 🙂 (Also, your gravatar isn’t linking me to your site! I know it’s sjponeill.wordpress.com, but others might not… )

          Elyse – Silly people trying to get the heads up on the Spanish Inquisition. Everyone knows it only shows up when no one is expecting it. 😉

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          1. Thanks, Rara…long overdue gravatar maintenance is now complete – I never really looked much into this gravatar thing til now so thanks for the nudge…

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  9. Your unicorn reference reminded me of a game they played last night at the writer’s workshop I’m attending. The leader gave a title and, if you thought it was an actual title of a book, you put your hands on your head. If you thought he made it up, you put your hands on your butt.

    One title I got a kick out of was, “My Unicorn, Myself.” It was an actual title.

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    1. That sounds awesome, I need to read that book pronto! 🙂 I haven’t read nearly enough books with unicorn in the title and I just now noticed. 🙂

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  10. Hahahahahahahaha! Love! I wrote several blogs with the theme of me putting on my big girl panties. The searches that bring people to my blog since then are hilarious!

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    1. Haha, oh no, we’re working up a pretty good guide of things to write about in a post to rack up search engine hits. 🙂 Someone needs to write a poem. 🙂

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      1. I also wish I remembered exactly what the search terms were for my toilet paper themed ones! I will start making a note of them so that you can write that poem!

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  11. This made me chuckle. I’ve never had anything all that funny on my blog but on my works blog the best we’ve ever had was ‘things sluts do to get a promotion’ after we did a blog post about some work we’d done for a band with ‘slut’ in the name, I have no idea how the rest of the search term related to our post mind you.

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  12. I actually feel a bit left out, because I only ever get two weird search engine results: ‘Doira Baird’s bust/chest/norks/boobs’ and ‘Sasha Roiz gay’.

    I’m tempted to start using more words like ‘porn’, ‘porno’ and ‘pron’ in my posts just to see if I can hook me some better (creepier) search engine results.

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    1. I don’t get a ton of weird searches, either, considering all the strange words that can be found here. I also hardly get any searches for dino related things, which is weird to me because it seems like everyone elses’ search engine posts feature at least one dino. Along with porn, use the word “exploding”, “fluff”, and “manic”… I think it’ll liven up your analytics bar a bit. 😀

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        1. I think you guys are BOTH SO AWESOME! *hugs* Yay!

          The easiest thing to do is alt tag all your images with really weird things. That way, no one sees it except the search bots. 😉

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    1. Haha!! Even the most innocuous searches bring up some pretty terrifying results if you’re not 100% paying attention. (See Thor comment above.) 😀 I love your use of the words “had to Google”, haha, it sounds so much more necessary that way. 😀

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  13. Sounds as if you are still playing Googlewhack. So it’s you who’s the psycho is it? I did wonder.
    As for remembering URLs, forget it. i can’t always remember my own passwords.
    Lots of bookmarks? Guilty as charged. I too live in a world of silver foil and worms

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    1. Haha! Well, I’m probably not the only psycho out there, but I’m one of them. 😀 Yay for silver foil and worms! 😀 The world is much more delicious and shiny when you see all things as fascinating!

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  14. I am not sure why I have not done one of these types of posts yet, but that is definitely going to be happening soon.

    I have Google Alert set for my blog name. I am guessing between this and the number of dating site spam comments I get per day that there really must be singles in my area looking for me RIGHT NOW!

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    1. Hurrah! I can’t believe you haven’t either… it totally suits your sense of humor. 🙂 Singles do a lot of searching for people, and there’s a lot of money just sitting in Nigerian banks…

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  15. Well, from now on I will never enjoy my search terms as much… I will just assume it is some astute blogger who knows the intricacies of using google.

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  16. This post was really fun, and the comments were great! I’m glad you asked for links to our search term posts. I love those things too and I hope more people link theirs. I’ve done 4 of them-
    http://seattlepolychick.com/2013/02/08/search-terms/
    http://seattlepolychick.com/2013/03/06/search-terms-gotta-love-em/
    http://seattlepolychick.com/2013/04/12/search-terms-g…ve-em-number-3/
    http://seattlepolychick.com/2013/05/16/search-terms-again/

    Now I’m wondering which one is you? The one that actually puzzles me the most is “something you’d be excited to see in the ocean”. I’m pretty sure I have never written about anything like that but I get pretty much daily hits looking for that.
    There’s also a stunningly large amount of people looking for “sex bandages”.

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    1. It sounds like we need to start selling sex bandages, stat. 🙂 There’s a market! 🙂 The llama thing might’ve been me, actually…. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve searched for crazy llama pictures. There’s more need for those than you’d think. 🙂

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  17. Let’s see…so far today I’ve got:

    ballbuster grabs

    my husband hides frozen chips in his pants

    this is my sex scandal

    bearded lady bagels

    These were just a FEW of the many fabulous search engine terms. Were any of these you?

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    1. Nope, I haven’t had time for searches today, but I bet the theme of tomorrow will be searching for “bearded lady bagels” so you may see that result again soon. 😀

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  18. Are you “don’t mind me, just walking my shark”? Because I’ve been looking for whomever that was so they can be my new best friend!

    I LOVE doing the keyword search posts. They absolutely make my day (and sometimes terrify me) but the crazies that find me often turn out to be my favorite!

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    1. Haha! I could totally see how you’d want to be best friends with a shark-walker. I did just take a picture of a shark using my underwater camera and looked around for shark puns, but that particular search wasn’t me. Which is too bad! You seem like you’d be an awesome best friend. 🙂

      Keyword search posts crack me up, they are easily in my top 3 of “favorite types of blog posts”. 😀

      Like

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