Please welcome (drum roll please!) … Katie from Sass&Balderdash. Katie is a fantastic writer and always charms me with my absolute favorite kind of outrageous absurdity. I know you’re going to love her, so read, enjoy, and tell us all about the weird things you think about.
While you’re at it, stop by her lovely blog and send some rawr love her way!
Some People Count Sheep, I Google Serial Killers
It’s late at night (for some people—for me it’s probably about 8:30 p.m.). My teeth are brushed, my once carefully applied make-up is smeared on a disposable towelette in the bathroom trashcan, my eyelids are heavy, and my shoulders are slumping. I turn off the light and crawl into the familiar dent in my preferred side of the bed. I’ve been waiting all day for this moment.
I’m not counting sheep, drinking a glass of warm milk, or engaging in activities you wouldn’t tell your mother about; I’m lying on my stomach in bed using my iPhone to Google and Wikipedia every unanswered questioned and unfinished thought I had to sacrifice throughout the course of the day.
I’m convinced I don’t remember most of my sleeping dreams because I’m so actively daydreaming during my waking hours. I may be stuck at a desk wearing dress pants that could stand to have a little stretchier and “working” like any other person, but my imagination is every bit as busy as the fingers square dancing across the keyboard in response to emails.
Did that book I wanted to read come out already? I should write about people eating their lunch at their desk. Why is my eye twitching—I take a vitamin; maybe I need more sleep. This Groupon really sucks; does Groupon really think I’d be interested in this? What logarithm are they using to determine who gets which deal? Is this person really emailing me again? How many hours until lunch? Is Jennifer Aniston really pregnant this time? What time is it in Ecuador?
Most of these thoughts and questions are never finished all the way through because I’ll get a text notification. I’ll get an email alert poking up like a technological meerkat at the bottom of my computer monitor, or an obtrusive phone call I have no intention of answering that derails my train of thought.
But in the evenings, when I’m ready to turn back into a pumpkin, I finally have the peace and quiet that’s been missing all day. Some people use this time for reflection, meditation, or reconnecting with loved ones; I end up using my quiet time to read about an eclectic array of topics on the Internet.
With my face pressed into the pillow, I try to recollect all my inquiries from earlier in the day…
“How do you pronounce Cara Delevingne’s last name?”
“Katy Perry – Dark Horse lyrics”
“Are they making another Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie?”
“Low calorie carrot cake recipe”
“Chicago marathon” (…This was clearly a curiosity of the morbid and masochistic variety.)
Only after all my stalled trains of thought make it back to the station can I finally set my alarm and drift off to sleep. There’s nothing I find more relaxing or fulfilling than indulging my own ponderings before bed. …It can be somewhat alarming to wake up in the morning with Jim Jones’s Wikipedia page open on your phone, but it beats seeing you still haven’t beaten level 29 in Candy Crush, right?
Some people use whale sounds or count sheep to soothe themselves, but researching historical figures, models, celebrity gossip, and murderers is my personal lullaby.
How do you not love someone who lulls themselves to sleep with thoughts of low calorie carrot cake? Go on then, visit Katie and say hi for me. I’d start here:
Do you ponder before bed? Where does your sleepy mind take you?
(And yes, the featured image is of two dinosaurs chatting in front of broccoli. What? I love broccoli, she loves broccoli. It seemed fitting. Do you love broccoli?)