Guest Post: Katie Counts Serial Killers

Please welcome (drum roll please!) … Katie from Sass&Balderdash. Katie is a fantastic writer and always charms me with my absolute favorite kind of outrageous absurdity. I know you’re going to love her, so read, enjoy, and tell us all about the weird things you think about.

While you’re at it, stop by her lovely blog and send some rawr love her way!



Some People Count Sheep, I Google Serial Killers

It’s late at night (for some people—for me it’s probably about 8:30 p.m.). My teeth are brushed, my once carefully applied make-up is smeared on a disposable towelette in the bathroom trashcan, my eyelids are heavy, and my shoulders are slumping. I turn off the light and crawl into the familiar dent in my preferred side of the bed. I’ve been waiting all day for this moment.

I’m not counting sheep, drinking a glass of warm milk, or engaging in activities you wouldn’t tell your mother about; I’m lying on my stomach in bed using my iPhone to Google and Wikipedia every unanswered questioned and unfinished thought I had to sacrifice throughout the course of the day.

I’m convinced I don’t remember most of my sleeping dreams because I’m so actively daydreaming during my waking hours. I may be stuck at a desk wearing dress pants that could stand to have a little stretchier and “working” like any other person, but my imagination is every bit as busy as the fingers square dancing across the keyboard in response to emails.

Did that book I wanted to read come out already? I should write about people eating their lunch at their desk. Why is my eye twitching—I take a vitamin; maybe I need more sleep. This Groupon really sucks; does Groupon really think I’d be interested in this? What logarithm are they using to determine who gets which deal? Is this person really emailing me again? How many hours until lunch? Is Jennifer Aniston really pregnant this time? What time is it in Ecuador?

Most of these thoughts and questions are never finished all the way through because I’ll get a text notification. I’ll get an email alert poking up like a technological meerkat at the bottom of my computer monitor, or an obtrusive phone call I have no intention of answering that derails my train of thought.

But in the evenings, when I’m ready to turn back into a pumpkin, I finally have the peace and quiet that’s been missing all day. Some people use this time for reflection,  meditation, or reconnecting with loved ones; I end up using my quiet time to read about an eclectic array of topics on the Internet.

With my face pressed into the pillow, I try to recollect all my inquiries from earlier in the day…

“How do you pronounce Cara Delevingne’s last name?”
“Katy Perry – Dark Horse lyrics”
“Are they making another Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie?”
“Low calorie carrot cake recipe”
“Chicago marathon” (…This was clearly a curiosity of the morbid and masochistic variety.)

Only after all my stalled trains of thought make it back to the station can I finally set my alarm and drift off to sleep. There’s nothing I find more relaxing or fulfilling than indulging my own ponderings before bed. …It can be somewhat alarming to wake up in the morning with Jim Jones’s Wikipedia page open on your phone, but it beats seeing you still haven’t beaten level 29 in Candy Crush, right?

Some people use whale sounds or count sheep to soothe themselves, but researching historical figures, models, celebrity gossip, and murderers is my personal lullaby.


How do you not love someone who lulls themselves to sleep with thoughts of low calorie carrot cake?  Go on then, visit Katie and say hi for me. I’d start here:

Do you ponder before bed? Where does your sleepy mind take you?

(And yes, the featured image is of two dinosaurs chatting in front of broccoli.  What? I love broccoli, she loves broccoli. It seemed fitting. Do you love broccoli?)


  1. I love broccoli. I could eat it for every meal, raw or cooked, chopped or whole, bring it on.
    I ponder nothing before bed – mostly because by the time I crawl into bed each night I have zero energy or brain power left with which to ponder things. But, also, I’ve found that once I start down that path it will be never ending. I’ll look up at see that half the night has spent in pursuit of just one more fun factoid, one more funny video, one more poignant blog post… and then why stop there because 2 hours of sleep isn’t going to do me any better than 0 hours of sleep, right? So, on I’d go. Therefore, all my ponderings must be done much earlier in the night. Much, much earlier.


    1. YES. Me too.

      See, I’m going everything in the wrong order. When I get home I generally unwind/eat/watch reality TV/enjoy life, and it’s when I go to bed that I realize, “oh crap, I need to look up X and Y, respond to Z, and read A, B, and C.” There’s just not enough time. I need an assistant to do my Googling for me.


  2. I love broccoli, though I am a little fonder of its good friend, cauliflower.

    My search history is very random and gets worse as the insomnia keeps me up. Between that and apps for IMDB and Wikipedia, it’s a wonder I get any sleep at all.


    1. Cauliflower over broccoli?! WHAT.

      Oh my gosh, IMDB is a bottomless pit of, “Where do I know that actor from? Oh yeah, he was on 7th Heaven in 199never.”


  3. I don’t see broccoli but I do see angels. Oh well. I try to turn off electronic devices so my mind shuts up well before sleepy time. Like now I have to go, as I need to be up and out early.


  4. I love that you tie up the loose ends of your day by getting cozy with the Google in bed. I always have such high hopes for my bedtime routine: I’ll get out a classic book I read in high school or college and start in on it again. But I’ll inevitably pass out within five minutes of reading Great Expectations.


    1. I think that might have less to do with you and more to do with that book being horribly boring. I tried it once, and I just couldn’t get into it.

      Lately I’ve been falling asleep while me and my boyfriend watch Lockup. It’s about a camera crew that goes behind the scenes in various jails. Totally soothing.


  5. from pondering to broccoli – interesting.
    Yes I don’t mind the Broc – have you tried cooked till still a little crunchy with cauliflower cooked the same way then cold as a salad with some mayo or french dressing and scattered toasted almond slivers? There you go 🙂


    1. You had at me broccoli, but you lost me when you added in the cauliflower, mayo, french dressing, and almond silvers. I like my broccoli straight up: boiled, not stirred.


      1. I guess it’s not everyone’s cup of tea – I have tried it a few times as a summer salad and strangely quite tasty. Glad you don’t put an olive with your straight up 😉 Enjoy.


  6. I love broccoli, although I’m a late convert to it. Wikipedia is a black hole of informational tangents that would keep me up until 2 am if I allowed it… and I love it! As it is, I usually just read five seconds of something before passing out.


    1. I’m totally guilty of falling asleep with some random Wikipedia page open rather than having my alarm set. So when I turn over in the middle of the night and I see, for some reason, that I Googled images of Baby Bop from Barney and Friends, in my groggy state I start wondering just what I was thinking before I fell asleep.


  7. What does your iPhone, who you just had that major disagreement with, think of you using Google on an Apple product? Does this upset your iPhone. Does it become irate and refuse to work correctly. Does it feel maligned and indignant? Do I need to Google the words “maligned” and “indignant?” Are there really answers to these questions? Will I ever stop asking them? I’m going to Google this.


  8. So, is Jennifer Aniston really pregnant this time? I know it only serves to make me more of an encyclopedia of useless information but I do this too. My husband does too, we both just lay there in the bed googling. And I love broccoli fresh or cooked. It is especially good with lemon juice.


  9. I admit to googling before bed but I do my best to keep it to a minimum. Ihave been known to stay up until the wee hours just browsing multiple sites. Then I wake up bleary-eyed the next morning tired and cranky. Lately, I have resorted to reading a boring novel. But that makes me want to throw my iPad across the room. So that’s not a good alternative either. Maybe I’ll go back to counting yaks.

    I too am a member of the broccoli-I-love-you-forever gang.


  10. I suffer the same ailment, I eat broccoli. LOL No, really, I do eat broccoli, what’s more, I love to eat broccoli, but that’s not why I began this comment.

    It’s good to see I am not the only one who enjoys crawling through google on the weirdest quests. One of my little private games with google is called “Can I stump Google?” I try to have a question google can’t return results for. Score! I beat Google. Sure, it may not have an effect on Google’s stock, but it sure gives me a boost. 😀

    Have you ever been lost in one of the downward spirals in YouTube? You can find yourself is some of the wierdest places. I recommend it.

    Great post!



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