#howIwidow my inside voice

make new joys, but keep the old.

I've been collecting all types of joy lately-- making new joys, but keeping the old. One is silver, after all, and the other is gold. I've developed a taste for this new gritty and silver kind that has sneaked into my world-- full of slapped truths and bit cheeks and death sand. And, all the while, I stock pile my golden joys-- the Love that can be found in a best friend's certainty, a child's arms, and the smiles shared between old friends who just met.


She didn’t write while I was in prison, and I didn’t call when I stepped out the gates, but days later– after a series of happy-but-traumatic decisions — I gave up on everything else.

Sprawled on the floor of a bathroom– I dialed her number, all the familiar fours and sevens that have studded our adventures over the last 13 years.   We caught up in short soundbites, replaying the highlights of our very different lives, unworried about having grown apart, because we’ve never grown together.  We are the giraffe and the lioness– diametrically unlikely friends.

“Early this year, I damaged my hip and thought I’d walk with a limp forever,” I summarized quickly and jumped to the real substance: “and that’s when I realized I am incredibly vain.”

“You didn’t know?” she rejoined instantly, lovingly, with a light chuckle.

painted-heartMy snort of surprise turned to a giggle, and I felt my soul stretch upwards.  Tall enough to reach the farthest leaves on the highest trees.  From my vantage point, I could see the vastness of our plains, and all the hills and valleys of our landscape.

“It’s only about the most unlikely and magnificent of things, though.” she explained, and I believed her.  She has always watched after our feet, and made sure we stayed grounded.

A silence washed into the conversation, and we let it flow through our jungle of turbulence and thought.  Then I told her about what I saw in the distance, and she warmed towards our future and purred movement into our faith.

For slow minutes, we spoke many fears, and pocketed many secrets, and watched as the words we left unsaid floated above our heads and popped like balloons filled with confetti and tears.

Good things are on the horizon, I promised.
We can get there, she promised.

And we believed each other, because it’s our habit to believe in unlikely and magnificent things.



heart“I can’t stop kissing you.!” he shouted into my ear.  His five-year-old hands cradled my face and bit my cheek.  “You’re real, Rara.  You’re real and you’re free, and I love you.”

I laughed and rose, letting him tackle me back into the soft sofa so I could fall a little harder into his arms.



“I’m sorry everything sucks for you right now.” I mumbled, looking down, watching my green sandals pulling in more sand than not.

hearts“I’m sorry everything sucks for you right now, too.” she said, looking forward at the ocean rolling in and out.  A small grin blossomed on her face with a thought, and my heart waited for her heart to express it.  My smile is a loud snap– but hers is a long note soulfully, honestly held– and I listened to it sing behind her next words.  “Well.  Not everything sucks.”

“No,” I agreed, “Some things can’t help but be wonderful and then we do what we do and… well, survive the stuff that needs surviving.”

My smile clapped, and another chorus rose over her face, this one tinged with impudence and jazz.

“I wonder how many dogs have peed in that spot?” she pondered aloud, staring at a red metal dog silhouette propped in the middle of the beach.

I thought about it.  “Thousands?  Sand is pretty much just pee and poop and dead skin and…”

“Death.” she completed.

Still, we stomped over it and swam right through it– letting it slide between our toes and cling to our skin– because if life hadn’t stopped us yet, the perils of sand certainly couldn’t.



I’ve been collecting all types of joy lately– making new joys, but keeping the old. One is silver, after all, and the other is gold.

I’ve developed a taste for this new gritty kind that has sneaked into my world– full of slapped truths, cheek bites, and death sand.  And, all the while, I stock pile my golden joys– the Love that can be found in a best friend’s certainty, a child’s arms, and the smiles shared between old friends who just met.

Yes.  My joy lights my dark, and helps me find the way to the words I need to keep my worries at bay.

“Listen up, Fear!” my joy announces:

Listen to the Fish &



This was written for Sreejit’s Dungeon Prompts.  Stop by and check out what the other participants have to say, and maybe even add your voice to the joy he’s collecting this week?



    1. Lisa, I wish you pockets full of joy today! So many that they fall out and glitter the world. 🙂 I hope your day brightens. Thank you for reading! xo! Tell all those worries to STAY DOWN. 😀


    1. 😀 Thank you, AR, I appreciate that coming from a writer such as yourself. Just finished your book. It was WONDERFUL! I will be reviewing it everywhere shortly! xo!


  1. Pom pom… Worries are sneaky little monsters arent they? And phoewie not the easiest to fight. There are a few tricks though to beat them: wear bright coloured socks, make funny – faces 9 times when you are alone and once to a stranger on the street, scream in a jar and keep it as a bomb, get a jar of glitters and just sprinkle it everwhere (worrymonsters hate sparkles) wear a partyhead behind your desk, (Its what alufoil hats are too aliens), make a talisman out of trolls or feathers stones and flowers, drink tea with flowers and pretend its a magic potion to get you superpowers (but really tea with flowers is a magic potion) but that said you re a dinosaur. Just roar real hard, giggle and chase those poopy worrymonsters real hard while trying to hug them. Of all they are scared of love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *hugs* Oh yes. We just put enough silly and love into the world and all the problems go away. I believe that, 100%…

      But maybe that’s just my excuse for pretending that EVERYTHING I eat is a magic potion… 😉

      I missed you, Tookles. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m lucky enough to always have someone passing on wisdom and joy to me, like my three friends up here… so all I have to do is wrap it up and write it. I have the easy part. 😀

      Thank you for reading, Beth Ann!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You write so beautifully it makes my soul sing just to read the words and know that behind them, there is such light, all grounded in love and those mountains between the moments when things seem bleak. Life is always easier above the snow-line, when we can see the shining peaks outlined against the sky, and I know that there’s a trudging inevitability about the next dip, but it’s wonderful to celebrate those people who take our faces in their hands and lift our heads skywards.

    So glad you have these gorgeous moments of reconnection and deep joy, Mizz Sparkly Dino ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. 🙂

      Your comment reminds me of a quote that I think of often lately… It’s by Albert Schweitzer. “Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.”

      I am constantly rekindled… and I’m glad I could express that joy and let it spread itself forward. 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

      1. We need people. We need each other. We are designed very specifically to respond to others of our kind, and there are those who reach somehow, right down inside us, and make us glow.

        That’s a beautiful quote 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ok, I’m all filled with joy now. It started at seeing the pingback for the Dungeon Prompt, so I admit I was already in a good mood before reading, but then of course your words always bring new light. Not new light, but you shine from your own unique direction allowing us to see things in a way we weren’t seeing them before. Shoot, am I “fangirl-ing?” Can’t help it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Haha, that’s alright. I fangirl’d Goldy, poor thing. I was like, “Remember that post when you said this?! And that post where you said that?! And also, I name finger puppets after you.” 😉 I guess we’re all allowed to fangirl each other. 😀

      I’m glad the post made you happy, because I know I was thrilled to be able to participate in Dungeon Prompts… and to have such a bright one to join in on!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww, ha! I love him so much. ❤ And he was so right. I needed all those tackles and bites and kisses and head-holding and words to feel real and free… because I wasn't for so very long! All kids are the smartest ever, but D is a brilliant gem amongst them nonetheless. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    1. *hugs* And I missed you. I’m still so rusty… 22 days in feels like it should have included more everything, but I still have so much to do. Visiting everyone is on the to do list, so expect some dino blog stalking soon. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

        1. If there was any more talent in this ‘sphere, we’d overflow out the sides!! I like to think we’re all nearly equal, though distinctly different, in that regard. :D.

          I am happy to see you and so hope that life has treated you kindly this last year

          Liked by 1 person

          1. It’s been getting better… 🙂 It’s interesting how many of us seem to finally be on a somewhat nicer or lighter upturn lately,… Actually, let’s make that – it’s a great thing….

            Liked by 1 person

  4. Friends. Where would we all be with out them? Today I am with my family including the Swiss foreign exchange student from when my mom and uncle were in high school. He and his wife have come to visit. Still friends,still family after all these years. A day shining with gold joy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wonderful! And meanwhile a blogging fish got a present tied with party beads and a family you’ve never met feasted on your honey… So you’ve spread a good deal of silver joy too. :D. May your golden joys continue to gracefully age! 🙂


  5. Dear mad, crazy, blogging dinosaur, you make me dizzy with your joyous words. May the joy be multiplied a thousand fold on your head xx


  6. It makes my heart sing to read your words. Really, no one writes like you. It’s like you’ve captured qualities that are not really captur-able and somehow put them into words. But I leave the words when I read you, and I just become pure feeling.

    I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. And I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I need to tell you that more. xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Samara! xo! I am lucky to have you in my life. *hugs* I’m glad you find the feelers in my writing… ❤ That makes me happy.

      Did the Tweet instructions work??


    1. You’re a dear Best Beloved! But if you mean on the sidebar… I have no idea. It’s the WP widget, which randomly picks from commentors… it’s randomness is why I never used it before.


  7. Hi! I’ve not commented yet because I’ve been fan-girling over you. And I’m super awkward with my feelings about what you have been through, so didn’t know what to say. So I’ve just said the truth, whew! Now I feel a bit joyful, too!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Me too ‘heretherebespiders’, I feel overwhelmed by Rara’s journey and her capacity to bring such joy back in to our worlds. So good to have you back 🙂 Linda


  9. I like the line “survive what needs surviving”. So true. We must find joy in all its little hide outs. And remember to survive the stuff that needs surviving. I have been thinking a lot about my favorite author lately when I read your stuff. Henry Nouwen wrote a book called The Wounded Healer. The premise of the book is that our pain, our experiences heal others. And he shares how important it is to share our brokenness with others. To paraphrase…we are like mirrors that reflect light, but when broken and fractured, we reflect a million times more light. So here is to joy! But also here is to brokenness which helps us connect and heal each other.


  10. Beautiful. The sand description really got to me. When I go to the beach I think about how many people have walked it before me & what their stories are.



Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s