journals

unlocked: S.O.C.K.S

Originally written 08/05/14, from Orange County Jail

On days like this, I miss the moon.  She’s been my personal guide for as long as I can remember.

In my youth, my small hands would pretend to hold her.  I’d sit by the windows— palms bowled together— and whisper my secrets into her glow.  As a teenager, I’d hunch in the backseat of cars, silently sharing all my thoughts with the bright orb as she followed me down long highways and gravel roads.  She has always had a way of magnifying my gratitudes and shining perspective on my strife.  “It is what it is,” she would smile to me, until her light became mine, and my fears became triumphs.

They took away my moon and today I miss her more than ever.

I am disappointed because change didn’t come when I called for it.  I planned, and waited, but change didn’t show up.  Now I feel stuck— tarred by the moment, feathered by the idiocy of the idea that I had any control of Fortuna’s wheel.  I feel more trapped by circumstance than when they put me in a cell, and more paused than when they took away time itself.  I can see the next part of my journey but the road from here to there is gated, and until that gate opens, I can do nothing but wait.  Plans are meaningless to change, as is disappointment.

Change moves as, and when, it wants and does not care.

“Rara and the Moon” – byTJ Lubrano (http://www.tjlubrano.com)

My moon would care, though.  If I could see her and whisper the secret of my heart to her, she would soothe it.  She would light my journey with her warm glow, and it would remind me of the sanctity of this present moment.  She would tell me that planning for change is a skill, waiting patiently for it is a virtue, but embracing the moment is a joy.  She would urge me to see joy.  She would show me how happiness was scattered at my feet while I clutched at disappointment— like a little girl crying over a chunk of coal while sitting in a pool of diamonds.

In time, that coal will sparkle as brightly, but there is no sense in lamenting over what it is today.  It simply is what it is.

In my mind, I know all this—but the seed of rational thought only seem to survive the tangles of hurt and fear in my head when they are allowed to bask in moonlight.  I feel the comfort struggling to make itself known as I lay on my bunk, staring at the cold cement walls.

Then, one of the girls in my room disrupts my thoughts.  She is as trapped as I am, and so we are sisters of fate.  She asks someone if they want to learn to say something in Spanish, and when a new girl agrees, I smile because I know what’s coming.

“Spell socks,” she says.

Anticipating a practical joke, the would-be Spanish speaker hesitantly says, “S.O.C.K.S?”  And we all laugh.  It sounds like Eso si que es.  In Spanish, she has said something that doesn’t really translate directly, but basically means– “It is what it is.”

And there, in the warmth of laughter, the sparkle of wit and the light of sisterhood– I see my moon.

Even in here, where I am locked away from the most celestial of sights, she has found a way to lend me her insights.

Tomorrow I might find myself sobbing over coal, but tonight— tonight I will laugh at the wonder of its mere existence, and give gratitude to the diamonds who laugh and sparkle in the bunks around me.  Tonight, I will sleep peacefully because, though I have no control of fate, I am not alone.

I am surrounded by sisters, and my moon is still following me—healing my hurt—shining her light through them, into me.

Dedicated to: Silvia Velez and Alissa Sandoval.

_______________________________________________

Some of y’all probably read this on the first go-around, but I’m reviving posts one at a time.  Some were turned to drafts instead of being made private, so re-posting is the only option – s.o.c.k.s, right?

I hope you’ve been stocking up on moonlight lately.
You’d be surprised how long it keeps.

35 thoughts on “unlocked: S.O.C.K.S”

  3. Your gorgeous spirit is like the moon. Full, bright, sometimes hidden from view when the sun refuses to shine on it because some stupid earth is in the way, but then, sigh, the earth turns, the moon orbits around and finds the light again. We miss you. Keep the light. Rawr.

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  4. You are Selene, Artemis, Diana, Luna. You are strong and beautiful and have a power that few possess, as seen by your words, your spirit and your outreach now. You radiate without trying, shedding light with your words and actions.

    We’ve said several times over that you are sunshine in our lives, bringing smiles and happiness. The moon is a special beauty, and a special light, that can be taken for granted when clouds come through and things look dark.

    Thank you for reminding us that that while the sun is beautiful when we are outside in the day, the moon is the constant. It’s there when we can’t see it, getting a little brighter as the sun starts to leave for the day.

    The sun can move and change, the moon is always there to provide comfort and beauty at all times.

    Love to you, my dear friend.

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  6. Clouds sometimes block our view, but the moon is just there–waiting to shine even brighter when they fluff themselves away. It is waiting for us, for you. And it continues to smile because it knows we need the clouds, too…

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  9. As toddlers we learned that just because we couldn’t see something didn’t necessarily mean it wasn’t there. I’m so glad you remembered that the moon isn’t gone because you can’t see her; she is waiting and watching over you. Hugs to you, Rara. – Fawn

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  18. I just love reading Rara’s stuff…she is such an intelligent, insightful and creative woman. I will think of her when I look at the moon again, and send her the love I also receive.

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  20. The moon will always be there to hear you through brick, motar, and walls, tou can still whisper she will hear…in the meantime learning some Spanish may be cool. Hope you are doing well meantime. 🙂

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  21. I have always loved basking in the moon’s light and am attached to it by my name as well (Latinized form of Greek Κυνθια (Kynthia) which means “woman from Kynthos”. This was an epithet of the Greek moon goddess Artemis, given because Kynthos was the mountain on Delos on which she and her twin brother Apollo were born. – Source: http://www.behindthename.com/name/cynthia). I have often thought of myself in terms of what the moon does – reflects the light of the sun … I want to reflect the light of the Son. 🙂

    Yours is a beautiful perspective we all need, Rara. Thank you for this! Love to you, and so happy you are still writing.

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  24. “And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
    The moon tells me a secret – my confidant
    As full and bright as I am
    This light is not my own and
    A million light reflections pass over me
    Its source is bright and endless
    She resuscitates the hopeless
    Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting…”

    One of my favorite Tool songs. May it inspire you too. 🙂

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  30. Reblogged this on synkroniciti and commented:
    What would the moon mean to you if you weren’t allowed to see it? Continuing with our moon theme, please enjoy this heartfelt and beautiful post from Rarasaur, a delightful blogger who struggled and yet kept her dignity and joy through a tempestuous time. She was released from prison this past July and continues to share thoughts from her time away from the moon and everyday life. Maybe you don’t know her blog, but you would be blessed to read her thoughts. Welcome back, Rara!!

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  32. Once again, you’ve transported me from the mundane and into the magical, with words delicately strung together like pearls in a mermaid’s hair ☺️ (I know, I’m a bit odd lol) I love the way you think, and write.

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  34. The Hawaiian calendar is based solely on the phases of the moon. I’m trying to learn all the days of the month by the moon cycle, so even if I can’t see the moon, I know what she is doing. Got that in this post, Rara. It is what it is. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

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  35. Pingback: cycles and check ins – rarasaur

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