Once upon a time, a stylish young dinogirl met a handsome artist.
Once upon a time, a stylish young dinogirl met a handsome artist.  #HerSoulHeardHisSoul
He knew how to make her smile from the inside out, and he thought she was the most frightfully wondrous creature alive.
He knew how to make her smile from the inside out, and he thought she was the most frightfully wondrous creature alive.  #HisSoulHeardHerSoul
And so they got married. #TheyTotallyDid
And so they got married.
#HeDo #SheDo #TheyTotallyDid
They wrote each other love letters. In action, and in word.
They wrote each other love letters. In action and in word.
And they looked to the future, and started to build one. They defined what it was to be grown up, and then they tried to do it. He dreamed for them, and she cheered them forward. #LetsGoLetsGoLetsGo
They looked to the future and  redefined what it was to be grown up.  He dreamed their tomorrow.  She cheered it into existence. #LetsGoLetsGoLetsGo
And sometimes that meant they had to invent things, play games, and even spend whole days doing nothing besides kissing and laughing. #SomebodyHadToDoIt
Sometimes that meant they had to invent things, blog till the wee hours of the morning, play games they made up… and even spend whole days doing nothing besides kissing and laughing.   #SomebodyHadToDoIt
And pretty soon, people could see on the outside how they always felt about themselves on the inside.
And pretty soon, people could see on the outside how they always felt about themselves on the inside.  #TheyWereAGoodTeam
Then the dino girl had to go away. But he took care of her.
Then the dinogirl had to go away… but her artist took care of her.
“I planted these flowers for you, Ra. On a stretch of public road. Go ahead and rest on them. They are strong enough and carrying you is like carrying light. Really loud, overly-caffeinated light.”.
And since she was being carried, she only took with her the most important thing. Their love. #ThisPictureSaw438DaysOfIncarceration
And since she was being carried so very well, she was able to hold the comforting weight of their love for the many many miles of her journey.  #ThisPictureSaw438DaysOfIncarceration

And then he died.

Without explanation.

Without her. 


While she was away.

But he still found a way to leave her some love. She found messages from him, secreted away everywhere.
But he still found a way to leave her some love. She found messages from him, secreted away everywhere.  #HeWasStillDreamingForHer  #HeWantedHerToKeepingCheering
It made her think on all the love-notes he'd left over the years. Greetings from space. Goodbye from space. And when she wakes up, she can't help but think that maybe he only just stepped out... to bring her back a star.
It made her think on all the love-notes he’d left over the years, from space. It made her think that maybe he just stepped out for a moment…
to bring her back a star. #ButEitherWayHeIsGone
She weeps on the inside, all the time. She whispers her story to Kuan Yin. The one who hears the weeping of the world. It is not a secret, or regret that makes her weep, just a blankness and a thought. #SheNeverNeededStarsHeLitHerWholeSky
Today, she whispers their story to Kuan Yin, the one who hears the weeping of the world, so that her loss can live loudly somewhere, while it sits quietly tucked away in her heart, as she continues toward their Tomorrow without him.
It is not a secret, or regret that makes her weep, just a blankness…  and a few stray thoughts:
#HeShouldntHaveGone  #SheNeverNeededStars #HeLitHerWholeSky

It was kidney failure.
It was wife failure.  I am so sorry.

Thank you for your patience as I find my way out of the final pages of this love story.


. . .   *   . . .   *   . . .   *   . . .   *   . . .   *   . . .   *   . . .

Posts about Dave/Grayson, before he went to space:

Posts after:


  1. This is not by any means your failure, sweetness. I know you don’t see that now, but you will, in time. There is so much more I can say here but I’ll save it for you & you alone. Just know that we all love you, always. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I agree there was no failure, only unimaginable success in love. Early on someone told me that feeling guilt and regret is like putting the brakes on and there’s no way to release them: every forward movement is slowed. I realized that knowing how his life would end, my husband would not have done anything differently, least of all not married me. And your beloved I suspect would have told you the same thing; perhaps he already has. You’re carrying him now, beautifully, because countless others can live their lives knowing how wonderfully he loved and was and is loved by you.

    Liked by 7 people

  3. Kidney failure is not wife failure, just as kid’s suicide attempt/depression was not mom failure.

    Logically, we know it, but emotionally it will take time to believe it. Sometimes a long time. We’re here for you during that time (and beyond).


    And thud.

    Then more hugs.

    Liked by 10 people

      1. Love you too dear.

        And, just so you know, my next step to try to help you through this would have been to quote “Steel Magnolias”. See, that’s how much I love you…admitting to watching a “chick flick”.

        ❤ ❤ ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. *the biggest hugs imaginable* It was kidney failure alone, not wife failure. He’s out in space, and someday you’ll get to see the star he chose out for you. And he’ll tell you the same thing we’re saying now.


    Liked by 3 people

  5. Thud.
    As everyone else has said—-no failure on your part . Your love was so …I am at a loss for words here. Amazing. Your love was all encompassing and amazing. I am so sorry for your loss. No one deserves something like you have lived through to happen to them. But you are such an example of grace and gentleness and love all wrapped up into a beautiful package. Thank you for sharing your love with us.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. This was amazing and heart-felt. I can’t imagine your pain but I had to say that you’re writing through it beautifully. I’ve not been blessed to capture that kind of love, but I think even though he’s not with you in body, he’s very much with you in spirit. And he always will be in the memories you lovingly keep in your heart. My prayers are with you as you work through this grief.


  7. You know, it’s often hard to find the right words to say when someone you care for is faced with something like this. Except not when that someone is as strong and creative as Ra, I honestly think I need not say anything but I’m here. You’re amazing and can get through whatever because he’s clearly still within you, a part of your soul. That’s what makes it a soul mate.


    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thud, my friend.

    I am sending so much light and love to you. Your love for one another shines in every syllable. That is the light you must live in. But when you can’t…I’m here with the hugs. XO

    Liked by 1 person

  9. From here …

    Though I know you are talking about feelings and I don’t want to discount those feelings at all …

    I have to also say that my feelings shout the below:

    Not for a second was it wife failure.

    You did what you could to save him with what you had, before you went in and from within.

    You had different ways of working to holding each other up because you were different kinds of beautiful people. The ways you tried to save him were equally as full of love and light as those by which he tried to save you, and fueled by grit, courage, and determination.

    So though you couldn’t be there to take some saving steps, you did everything you could to save him, including asking us–as you went in–to offer coverage you could not in person. But in spirit, in soul, in heart, in serving, you worked to save him, and his loss,

    though heartbreaking (and, yes, I am weeping all over again for it),

    was no failure of yours. You were hoping, you were striving, you were saving,

    and the fact of that striving is not changed by any end result.

    (Indeed, the timing of the dragonfly I met Saturday made me think
    that what I perceive as “end results” are not
    end results
    at all.)

    I love you.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. I am so sorry for your loss. You did a great job of helping me to know a bit about him. From the pictures and his words, you look very much in love. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Stay strong.


    Liked by 1 person

  11. Love like that doesn’t end necessarily. It’ll always be with you. I hope the news brings some closure – however small. I’m not a hugger but I wish I could give you the biggest hug. And tissues. I have tissues. And a picture of a dinosaur trying to get the princess that my kid made. *hugs and tissues and dinosaurs and princesses*

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No, YOU are. My own brush with almost loss last year has made me more sensitive to just exactly what LOSS means, and I honestly say I can FEEL what might have been right over the edge of a mountain in a freefall. At least that’s how it all seemed at the time. For me, the outofcontrollness of it all was beyond my skillset since I’m a MAJOR control freak 🙂 You ARE grace and honesty personified.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. :hugs: wish I could do more. You have been on my mind of late. Grief is…well, hard. It was no failure on your part Ra. Death just sucks I think, but I know he is still there for you just on another plane we can barely comprehend….which still sucks. I am so sorry, Ra. I hope Kuan Yin in her compassion eases what she can for you at this time. Just more :hugs:

    Liked by 1 person

  13. As so many others have said, this wasn’t a wife failure. This was not your fault.

    From personal experience, I can tell you that there is nothing good to be gained from the train of thought which begins with “If I had only been there when…”

    Thinking about things that way can only bring more sadness, and you deserve nothing but light.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Kidney failure- Yes; Wife failure- not a chance. Yours is an amazing love story. It may be heartbreaking, but it is also inspiring and beautiful. You were, are, and will always be, loved. And you are love.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I’m so sorry :,( I didn’t realize life for you had changed so greatly. My heart breaks for your loss and the journey it took to get there. Remember to breath, smile and laugh. These things will keep you whole as the change settles in.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hey there,

    I know I will never shake your husband’s hand, or physically be in the same room with him. However, I do think that from what you’ve written about him, I can feel like I know him. It’s obvious to even the most oblivious that you and he loved each other very much.

    This is the stuff epic poetry has been written about. Indeed, what you’ve written about him reminds me very much of the love Odysseus had for Penelope. Despite 10 years of wandering and living at the mercy of the gods, his love for her brought him home to Ithaca.

    No matter where you are, your dinosaur’s heart will have a true heading for where you will have a safe place to heal your ache. That is a sanctuary you both built together, and it will last as long as either of you are able to occupy it. In other words, he is gone, but he remains. It takes you both to be able to do that.

    So, if this is the result of a failure of you as a wife, or any other sort of failure, then I think perhaps people need more failures in their life.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. He is gone but he remains. Oh, that is beautiful. Thank you for every word of this comment. Right now, I am frozen and can only look at it’s beauty, but one day, I will thaw and it will sink into me. xo.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Kaily, it makes me happy that you’re part of this village, no matter how verbal you are. 🙂

      “Thud” is a word Dave and I used when the want was there…. But the emotions were too strong or when we weren’t sure if we could find the right words, or if the right words even existed. You are welcome to its usage.

      Thud, my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. No one is ever late on Rarasaur blog. 🙂 You’re welcome at any chapter of the story, Marissa.. and if you have any questions, I’m an open book, just ask. Thank you for your readership, and empathy. ❤



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