Once upon a time, a stylish young dinogirl met a handsome artist. #HerSoulHeardHisSoulHe knew how to make her smile from the inside out, and he thought she was the most frightfully wondrous creature alive. #HisSoulHeardHerSoulAnd so they got married. #HeDo #SheDo #TheyTotallyDidThey wrote each other love letters. In action and in word.They looked to the future and redefined what it was to be grown up. He dreamed their tomorrow. She cheered it into existence. #LetsGoLetsGoLetsGoSometimes that meant they had to invent things, blog till the wee hours of the morning, play games they made up… and even spend whole days doing nothing besides kissing and laughing. #SomebodyHadToDoItAnd pretty soon, people could see on the outside how they always felt about themselves on the inside. #TheyWereAGoodTeamThen the dinogirl had to go away… but her artist took care of her. “I planted these flowers for you, Ra. On a stretch of public road. Go ahead and rest on them. They are strong enough and carrying you is like carrying light. Really loud, overly-caffeinated light.”. #HisLoveLiftedHerAnd since she was being carried so very well, she was able to hold the comforting weight of their love for the many many miles of her journey. #ThisPictureSaw438DaysOfIncarceration
And then he died.
Without explanation.
Without her.
Suddenly.
While she was away.
But he still found a way to leave her some love. She found messages from him, secreted away everywhere. #HeWasStillDreamingForHer #HeWantedHerToKeepingCheeringIt made her think on all the love-notes he’d left over the years, from space. It made her think that maybe he just stepped out for a moment… to bring her back a star. #ButEitherWayHeIsGoneToday, she whispers their story to Kuan Yin, the one who hears the weeping of the world, so that her loss can live loudly somewhere, while it sits quietly tucked away in her heart, as she continues toward their Tomorrow without him. It is not a secret, or regret that makes her weep, just a blankness… and a few stray thoughts: #HeShouldntHaveGone #SheNeverNeededStars #HeLitHerWholeSky
It was kidney failure.
It was wife failure. I am so sorry.
Thank you for your patience as I find my way out of the final pages of this love story.
I just want to hug you. I’m sure you hear this all the time. Grief can be felt among many but only really managed individually. Sending love, so much love!
*dries the eyes* Heartbreakingly beautiful. I so wish I could take some of your pain away, my lovely magical lady. I do have an infinity of hugs for you and each one is covered with a blanket of moon dust. It softly shimmers, lighting up the path in front of you. I wish I could say more or do for you, too. Lots of love to you ❤
Thanks for sharing this, Rara. It’s good to know reasons, even if knowing them doesn’t make it any easier.
But you should know it’s not your failure, and you do know it, even so we all know we need to tell you anyways, in hopes the sum of all our comments will make it easier for you to truly believe.
And you should know we will have endless patience to listen and support you as you make sense of it all by telling your stories. We know you’d do the same for us – as you have done many times over and continue to do against and above all reasonable expectations.
Thanks for making the world a brighter place, even from the darkest of circumstances. Love to you!
Thank you, Janelle. I was tense to post this. If someone did blame me, it’d be fair. It made me fearful, but I thought– hey, they deserve the right because it’s, well, true. Then I thought, well… if a bunch of people just absolve me of guilt, that’s something I have to be willing to hear too. It’s why it took an hour to push “post”. 🙂 The endless patience and love in this ‘sphere is a glorious thing. It’s humbling, and breathtakingly beautiful. Thank you, Janelle, for being part of all the love. ❤
I don’t understand at all how it could be your fault. Kidney failure…likely due to some insidious illness? But I do understand you may FEEL like it’s your fault. and that’s all that matters at the moment. Just know we are here for you.
Kidney failure is a possibility of diabetes, or could have resulted from the medicine he took after his illness, or alcohol, or all of the above. Had I been here, the diet would have been under control, he would have been monitored if he took meds at all, etc etc– it’s a preventable thing is the point.But, yes, I know y’all are here… and oh so very patient. Thank you. ❤
I think I may have mentioned if before, but, my family also recently lost someone to a diabetic coma, a family friend. Even when the diabetes is supposedly “managed” your body can change over time and changing habits can affect that too. Like, my friend had been body building over the year prior to his death.
Yes, very true. Dave’s would fluctuate just with… weather. The sun could spike his blood sugar just because. It’s a finicky thing, diabetes. I’m sorry for your loss, too. *hugs*
Thanks, hon. It’s scary. People often think diabetes is not a big deal. They have no idea how dangerous that assumption can be.
You guys are such a beautiful couple too. I feel so sad for you. 😦
Sorry I did not know him, but I am knowing his sweetness through you. Have you done any children’s writing? I bet you could write an awesome book about grief and loss for kids.
Thanks for inviting us into your twinkling love story. No wife failure at all. I think the team is still winning at the game of love, just in a new way.
Well. #StillWinning is the hashtag I’m trying for, every day. (And, a long time before this, I actually wrote a children’s book, which had a bit to do with grief and a lot to do with loss. It’ll be republished soon.) Thank you. ❤
practically in tears reading this, it’s such raw emotion. Will there ever be closure, who knows… But someday, you’ll be reunited and it’ll be forever and ever…
Just hugs, big hugs girl as you navigate through all this shit.
Oh Ra, this so very sad. I of course knew it already but this post is lovely. It was so nice to meet you this weekend in Long Beach. You are a kind person and a good soul. I hope our IRL paths cross again and in the meantime, it’s nice to have you back on the internet! xoxoxo, Stacie
Thank you, Stacie. It was wonderful meeting you. I had just gotten the news of the cause… so that’s why I looked like a train-wreck and talked like a debbie-downer… but next time I’ll be at full energy! 😀 Anytime you’re down my way, I’d love to meet up again. The YeahWrite team was a fierce and wonderful thing to witness in action. 🙂
I’ve got that funny feeling when the words won’t form out of the big ball of love and sorrow in my tummy. So I’ll just send you a truckload of squishy hugs, Rara.xoxox
I sometimes wish I’d have pestered him on his blog.. had I known.. just to show him that I really wanted him to adopt me but was a bit scared.. because I looked up to him. Like a little kid to a hero.
You, and TJ. Our little Holland-based heart-daughters. He absolutely knew you were there to reach out to, and when he didn’t, well, that was how he chose to “do his time”. Have no regrets or worries, little one. Everything’s gonna be okay.
I thought long and hard about what to say here and yet, I am not sure how my words can help enough. I can say I know how it feels to lose someone — I lost both my parents in the same year, just two months apart; I lost an unborn child just months ago, too.
Still, I have not lost a husband and hope it won’t happen in the near future. I know what a loving partner brings and I don’t know how much I’d feel if I lost him, especially not this early in my life.
I just want you to know you’ll be in my prayers, Rara. I’ll even say a prayer for you and Gray to Kuan Yin.
Thoughts, and kindness, empathy, and prayer– there’s no better words to send. Thank you. I’ll be sure to tell Kuan Yin a little of your story, too– she can bear all the weeping, you know, and replace it with compassionate fullness. ❤
You have not failed, Rara. In fact, wholeheartedness is the center of all success in our lives, and it appears you loved him with your entire being. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it feel better, but all I can do is tell you that I’m here with you in this time. So many hugs.
Dave had a way of leaving love notes without any words at all, everywhere. I know I’ll find them forever, and that’s a happy thought I hadn’t pondered on yet. Thank you, Trent. ❤
First, this is painfully beautiful and heartbreakingly (not a word they tell me) sad. I wish I knew the right words to help you heal. I wish I had the magic beans. But since I don’t, I will send you love and light and sister support. Second, I have been spending entirely too much time getting lost in the best possible way in your blog here. Must. Step. Away. NOW. But I love it! I love you for sharing your should in the best way.
xo, Steph Mignon
I can’t even begin to imagine what this must feel like. We’ve been married for 10 years and we are still attached at the hip. Sending you many warm hugs from Portland.
I have been where you are. While the hole inside will never go away, the hurt will lessen over time. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You truly are a unique individual and that is never a bad thing.:)
❤ You are loved. Love is stronger than death. Death itself is just a door into the next part of the journey. You and Dave will meet again. After all, you're both old souls and have probably journeyed together for far longer than any of us can realise.
I think of you often, almost every day you cross my thoughts and leave tiny prints on my heart. I bet you didn’t know that. But it’s true. I come to these pages and read and reread and then read again and I think of you.
Reading this again… I am so sad and happy for you at the same time. The little love notes he left you…I am so glad you got to experience that kind of love with one another even though he was taken too soon. Love you. ❤
In reading all the comments it occurred to me that you have ever so much love for you right here on this planet I am thoroughly amazed it has not lifted you right up there with Dave even if just for a much needed hug but then after that we want you back down here with us. Okay? ❤
This comment will probably be lost in space-time. But I have revisited this page many times. Because it is truth. Because it is love in all of its unconventional forms. Because it is loss in all of its unconventional forms. Because it is the stars.
rarasaur 