a rainbow roll

I don’t like to write.

There’s a time capsule nature to writing that goes against my grain, ruffles my feathers, and pinches my nerves.

I’m not the same person I was a year ago.

Did you want to be? He asks, raising an eyebrow, effortlessly balancing a slice of a rainbow roll between chopsticks.  I can hear the sharpness of his perspicacity.

I want to ask if they’re called slices.  If he minds that I’m eating sushi with my fingers.  If he knows that he has amazing hands as much as he knows that he amazing thoughts.

If he knows that I like that he knows because, people should know when they’re amazing.

But all those thoughts roll together like the sushi.   They’re tucked tightly and neatly together and packed away somewhere in the back of my mind.  On occasion, I pull out a roll and eat the leftovers of yesterday’s ideas.

… with my fingers, because I’ve never liked chopsticks.  Once upon a time, I avoided Asian cuisine just to avoid chopsticks.  Now I just avoid dining companions who mind when I eat with my fingers.

As with my methods of dealing with my chopstick dislike, things change.  Thoughts change.  I roll away my ideas because I might not even care what the answer is in five minutes.

Random picture from my desktop.
Random picture from my desktop.

If I write it down, it sticks.
It’s a horrifying thought to me.

Can you imagine if you kept a log of every leftover that has ever lived in your fridge?
That’s what my writing is.  A leftovers log.

Maybe it’d be different if I could write fiction, or a thousand lies, or even one good one.  It’d be as if I was a foodie and my list of leftovers were really distinguished things, like bacon-wrapped-goat-cheese-filled-figs instead of grilled cheese sandwiches.

But ultimately, it’s still a long list of things that don’t even make sense out of context.  And it’s always out of context because time changes things, thoughts fade, dining companions go home, and leftovers eventually go to leftover heaven.

Take care of your thoughts when you’re alone, take care of your words when you’re with people, they say.

Writing is a fail on both levels.  It gives me an excuse to simmer in thoughts that I probably shouldn’t even let myself think, and then I have a finished product that motivates me to share words with people.

Words I might not ordinarily share.
Leftover words.

Words that should be tucked, and rolled, and hidden in my refrigerator of shame, because who thinks these things? 

Why have I half-eaten so many grilled cheese sandwiches?

Random picture from my desktop.
Random picture from my desktop.

Because they’re delicious, but overly-filling, that’s why.
Oh nevermind. If you don’t get it now, you won’t even after I explain it.
I wouldn’t want you to.

You enjoy your chopsticks.
I’ll enjoy my grilled cheese.

And I’ll only serve you the type of food you can hold between those strange slender sticks. Maybe I’d feed you something different if you ate with your fingers, too.

Probably not, though.

I like you.
I trust you.

I’m giving you as many thoughts as I could give another person, but maybe that’s only because I have been time-shifted by life.

Did I want to be the person I once was?

Yes, I did.
She was a good person and I am grieving my loss of her.
She was going to change, of course she was– change is inevitable– but this last year has not been a simple shift, it has been a total transformation.

One you can only see on the inside.
One some people don’t see at all.

There’s no way she was going to change into me if a series of extraordinary events had not occurred.  But then, if I was her, maybe I wouldn’t be here, watching your hands.

You’ve asked a question that has already been folded into a rainbow roll, and sealed into Tupperware. Should I reheat the entire bin? Do you want me to reach in, grab the rice out of the middle and serve that up because it’s the only relevant part? Do people re-heat sushi rolls? I don’t want to keep coming back to this, but are they called slices?  Does eating a rainbow roll make you more likely to see rainbows?

Can you eat this idea with chopsticks?
Good grief, this is why I don’t have a podcast and– quite frankly– why I order grilled cheese sandwiches even though I know I can never finish them.

Random picture from my desktop.
Random picture from my desktop.

It’s why I rarely store leftovers, and I just give the food away.
It’s why everything.

Somehow.  I’m sure of it.

Probably.

And if I just sat down to write it all down, it’d make sense.  For about three minutes.
Then it wouldn’t make sense at all.

Which is why I don’t like writing.  Which is why I probably won’t bring back the 500 some posts of Rarasaur blog past.
I don’t want to build time capsules.

But I do.
I do it at all.

I write, even when my hands hurt so much that I can’t sleep. My hands do too much. They hold a lot of the world– my world. I know you know. I know you can see them gripping to the girl who I was.  The one you never even knew, so of course you don’t miss. You can tell because when hands are doing too much because your hands carry too much, too.

I like your hands.

And I like mine, even though they cramp up sometimes and clench to things that should be let go.
Which, by the way, metaphors aside,
is the very literal reason that I don’t
use
chopsticks.

_______________________________

Random picture from my desktop.
Random picture from my desktop.

I recorded this at 2:30am because my hands were hurting and so many people have been saying podcast lately that it seemed like a brilliant idea.   Then, when the recording came out terribly, I decided to type it up.

I thought I’d like the idea of recordings because I’ve been trying to carve myself a space for less focused thoughts.  I had started a secondary blog, but that didn’t work out.  I tried a notepad file, but that didn’t work out either.  The truth is, when I start writing– I have to try to weave it into a full thought.  I flesh out ideas and slide into general vagueries.   But right now, I just need to get ideas out of my head.

I hyper-focus on silly things.  I worry about questions no one else thinks twice about.  I ask a lot of questions that involve rainbows.

It just happens.

Which is why a recording is a terrible idea, and why it didn’t work out.  I’m still posting this because I already typed it, crampy hands and all.

It’s 5am and I started this whole crazy process at 2am.  If I’m up much longer, I might go hog-wild and start using chopsticks willy-nilly.

Do you listen to podcasts? Do you have insomnia? Do you like hands as much as I do?  Do you use chopsticks?

62 Comments

  1. Not insomnia, a vrain hard wired for east coast tine and I just talked to the dogs and read your post. Podcasts? Uh-uh. Seems to require not enough of my brain. Words, reading, use more of my senses than listening, which is probably why I so disliked traditional education. Hands? Yes. I have my dad’s. I see him clearly every time I look at my hands. I have the same crooked ones that he did. He and his hands went to sleep 21 years ago this coming December. Like yesterday.
    Keep writing, love. Just remember to flex your chopsticks, I mean, fingers.

    Like

    1. Mobile keyboards are my nemesis! 😉 🙂 Okay, maybe not at all, but they can be major headaches. 🙂 I do have an east coast mind, that’s true. I went to a little coffee shop today (well, yesterday now) that reminded me of New York, and it was lovely. I do like written words, but I like voices, too… hmmm. And hands, yes, I love that other people are in our hands. What a wonderful thing. It’s something we keep with us, even when people pass through.

      I’ll remember to stretch my chopsticks, yes ma’am I will. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve only heard a couple of pod casts but I’d definitely listen to yours. What time do you have to be at work? Or is it the weekend and so you have it off? Do you have normal weekends? I haven’t worked a job where I had normal weekends in like… ever actually. Hum, no wonder I never hung out with the guys… anyways, your post has put me into a free write state of mind. So, I never use chopsticks. I think it’s just because, when you’ve got food in front of you, who has time to learn something new? When it’s eating time, it’s eating time and I take that serious. Oh no, you’re making me hungry, and I’m on a special one meal a day thing for like two months, one month to go and I’ve already eaten today… (not a weight thing, – I do it whenever Amma leaves the ashram and she’s away in Europe for her two month tour there right now… ) what kind of comment is this exactly? I’m just gonna print publish before I get carried away.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is the perfect comment for insomnia-Ra! 😀 I enjoy podcasts, quite a bit actually, especially the ones about nothing in particular… but I’m really sensitive to voices so if someone’s voice grates after a bit, I stop listening. It usually means I only listen to someone 3 or 4 times. The people I know with really great voices either podcast about hyper-focused things (like cricket, or smartphones), or stopped doing podcasts. It’s a whole first-world-problem that I’m happy to have. It’s Saturday night /Sunday morning and I don’t work– most 9to5’ers don’t work. Later in the year, I would be working… since, though I do adminstrative-like things, I am ultimately in retail. Right now, I just work Monday through Thursday. Chopsticks make my hand cramp, but I like to watch people eat with them. But then, I like to watch people eat with their hands, too– I don’t know. I just like hands, I suppose. I just had a conversation with someone about meals and how a lot of things are celebrated by giving up or adjusting meals (related because I didn’t know whether to hold my karva chauth fast this year). Symbolically. I’ll probably decide not to, and then end up not eating all day anyway… I don’t have an appetite on days that don’t go like they should. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. And then one day she invited a friend to dinner.

    The friend opened in the fridge and looked past the bright and glistening food of the day back to the murky depths and saw a pile of left over grilled cheese sandwiches. “What,” the friend asked, “is the story with those?” She followed her friends gaze with horror, then shrugged, smiled, with a tear, a fear and a gleam and said, “Well, let me tell you a story…”

    And dinner was beautiful.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aww, yay! I want all my leftover-words (and sandwiches) to end (or begin?) with a meal with a friend. And now that I think on it. They all do, even this one. 😀

      ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t listen to podcasts, I don’t have insomnia, I am not sure about the hands and I have never used chopsticks. But I think – a lot – on things I probably should not. And there are so many things you said here, about time capsules that stick, about the need to get ideas out of my head… To the point that I become sleepless till it’s outside… I do love the feeling of writing though… If only fingers would not get cramps and my eyes wouldn’t get strained. Would you like a cup of chai? I think coffee may not help right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A cup of chai would be a beautiful thing, 🙂 Tea is my go-to on the nights where I can’t sleep.

      The funny thing about writing is that I like doing it, perhaps… I just don’t like the end product. Nor do I like the by products (cramps and strains).

      … sort of how I brew gallons of sweet tea and then don’t drink it. It’s one more mystery of my mind. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I absolutely love hands, they are so creative and tender and loving. I still use training wheels on my chopsticks. My hands and other body parts hurt so bad sometimes I want to leave my body. I love random thoughts and flyaway trains of them. I love general vagueness. Most of all I love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am sorry for your pain. I love you muchly and I wish that your angels would soothe it all away. Hands are miracles in and of themselves… so wonderful. Thank you, Juju. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m not big on podcasts or chopsticks (unless I’m wearing clothes I no longer like very much).

    But if you need to do podcasts to recover, or to transition to where you want to be next, or just to find the fun in a day, then do podcasts.

    To a great extent we’re all in the sphere to heal, to grow, to amuse, to nurture others. To tell our stories. To stitch up our broken hearts.

    however you want/need/just feel like doing it, works.

    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! “Unless I’m wearing clothes I no longer like very much” — that’s my rule with ketchup. I’m still looking for a way to stitch up my heart. It feels a little sloppy right now, throwing darts at random– and some things are all patched up, but I’m hopeful that I’ll stumble on something universally-righting sometime soon. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Unfortunately, insomnia is something that I’m familiar with. Just remember that there are people out there who would be more than happy to share a grilled cheese sandwich, and they’re grateful you have leftovers.

    Rest when you can. You’ve earned it.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I have been having insomnia but it may be breaking. Weird because I seem to have it for stretches on and off in my life. I wonder if you read my post on the chopstick killer, not for unapologetic self promotion, but just that all this is seeming so timely. As for me, following our exchange about grilled cheese sandwiches (also on ongoing theme) and poor cooking habits, I have written a poem called the Bad Cook’s Club. I plan to publish it after Halloween as I am trying to stick with my horror theme, but will definitely give you a shout out when I do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🙂 I did read it, and it was wonderfully creative, and delightfully written. I’ve been horrible about hitting like on things lately, or leaving a comment, but I still read. And yes, please let me know when you post about the Bad Cook’s Club, because… I’ve earned membership, ha! 🙂 (Also, you’re always welcome to drop in a link here!)

      Like

  9. Horrible insomnia, which explains my scores on Candy Crush and Yahtzee. I was up at 3 am, so I should have seen if you were on to “talk”.

    The idea of anyone wanting to hear my voice on a podcast is hysterical. I guess most people hate the way they sound so I know Im not an exception to not liking to hear myself. HOWEVER…if the right kind of friend did decide to podcast, I may be willing to call in and say hi. (with the proper voice-altering software, that is!)

    I listen to a few podcasts, a lot less than I used to. For fun I listen to “How Did This Get Made” about less-than-stellar movies. Most of my podcasts over the last several months have been language lessons/bilingual Spanish news, entertainment, etc. (Im trying to sneak in with the Study Abroad group on one of their trips to Spain sometime in 2016; not sure if it will work but gonna try!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🙂 You’d be a great podcast guest! Because your voice is awesome. Professional and sweet.

      “How Did This Get Made” sounds fun! I’ll look it up. Learning spanish is a great goal, even if it doesn’t result in a trip to Spain… but I’m still rooting for “trip to Spain!” 😀

      Like

      1. Right? I figure it helps on the job either way. There’s a podcast that is Latin American news but the broadcast is at a slower pace for those learning Spanish. I am much better at reading and writing in the language first, so that helps me visualize the words somewhat. I’ll still sound awful if I ever get to a higher level and dare to try to pronounce things, but I’ll understand what others are saying (somewhat) at least!

        I forgot about chopsticks. Even though I can use them really well, they do still force me to eat slower. I used to eat my salad at work with them every day. 😀

        (i’m sorry, but professional and sweet made it sound like I should work in a different industry LOL!)

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I love podcasts. I kind of like chopsticks, but I’m as clumsy with them as I am with everything else. If you want something fun to listen to, start with Welcome to Night Vale–but you have to start with the first episode because there is a storyline and things do build on each other. It’s wonderfully weird, and I think the whole world should be listening to it.

    Sorry you couldn’t sleep, but at least you did something. I just watch TV when I can’t sleep.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m excited to start listening to Welcome to Night Vale, yay! 🙂 When I can’t sleep, watching TV makes me anxious… I’m not sure why. I used to read, but I haven’t really been able to read since coming home. This was at least something. Maybe I’ll make a unlinked podcast. I’ll send it to you if I do. ❤

      Like

  11. I couldn’t do a podcast and I would eat with my fingers instead of chopsticks…and have. Hands and fingers fascinate me. I hide mine. One day I would love to share a grilled cheese sandwich with you. Insomnia, yes, for 46 years. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Why do you hide yours? And one day, we will definitely have grilled cheese. Insomnia for 46 years? Gah, it makes me feel like a baby, 🙂 I only deal with it intermittently. How do you handle it??

      Like

  12. Does it surprise you that I like chopsticks and I’m quite adept with them?
    But, I’d rather have the grilled cheese sandwich anyway. Because something doesn’t have to be elaborate to be perfect.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Your etiquette is perfect: eating with the fingers is actually the correct way to eat sushi (although sashimi should be eaten with chopsticks). I’ve heard that Japanese people think it’s funny the way westerners insist on using chopsticks to eat sushi.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’ll dig in my heels and sit with you and your half grilled-cheese, and take the rainbow roll, or the whatever else (vegetarian from choice, and dairy-free from necessity) and eat it, with soy sauce for umami, wasabi for heat, and pink, pickled ginger to cleanse the palate. With chopsticks, because I’m a snob. But I’ll layer the wasabi into the roll, and drench it with soy, and then top it off with the ginger, and cram it all in (because when you try to be dainty it goes wrong and falls apart) in a phillistinic lack of regard for convention, because it’s yummy.

    And yes, I’d put the leftovers in a box and seek them the next day, because waste is anathema, and no thought that you’ve thunk is unnecessary.

    However and whoever you rainbow, and whichever version of you-on-the-inside is allowed out into the world through cramped hands and instagrams, she is cherished by so many, and the fierceness of your people’s love is stronger than you think (I know, only because I have tested the love my people have for me, and it was sound – so I can extrapolate).

    I don’t listen to podcasts because my mind flits and something about focusing on the physicality of letters unlocks spaces in my brain which spoken words flow over and away from, yet given the delight I had following your thoughts, I’m rather glad you tried. And I’m glad it didn’t work, so I could read it.

    Keep rainbowing. And I’d just go with ‘pieces’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Lizzi. When people ask what the best part of my last few years was, I tell them that my world was strength-tested and proven to be fierce. It is a good feeling to guess. It is a great feeling to know. Keep rainbowing. I appreciate you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Chopsticks? Not with these crampy, arthritic hands. Besides, who wants to eat rice one grain at a time? Our local Chinese restaurant doesn’t give you chopsticks unless you ask for them. When we eat at a Chinese restaurant, my family always ask for chopsticks. Me? I’d rather shovel it in with a fork. If I tried to use chopsticks, the food would end up on someone else’s plate 😀
    I’m very familiar with insomnia – that’s when I play Cookie Jam, or Candy Crush until my i-pad falls out of my sleepy hands and onto the floor. But recently, I’ve discovered the secret of a good night’s sleep. I have a CD of the sound of rain or waves, or tinkling stream. I’m out like a light within ten minutes.
    I love any of your words…leftovers or not 🙂
    I also love grilled cheese sandwiches (with Spring Gully sweet spiced gherkin rounds) ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gherkin rounds! Those are the best! 🙂

      Those of us who ever have hand pain know the impracticality of chopsticks.

      I usually don’t have insomnia, but sometimes it hits me, and makes me stir crazy. I’m glad you have a method. I feel so much empathy for people who have to deal with it on a regular basis.

      Thanks, Lyn. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  16. It is actually perfectly acceptable to eat sushi with your fingers, it was created as a street/finger food. Most people in Japan do use chopsticks for sushi as far as I have seen the last 2.5 years living here but you wouldn’t get sneered at for using your fingers.

    So, eat your sushi roll with your fingers and don’t apologize for it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, chica! I actually never apologize for it, 😉 but I do think about apologizing or explaining each time. From now on, though, I’ll just pretend it’s because I’m thinking of the origins of sushi, ha! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I enjoy writing. I just don’t enjoy having written. 😉 It’s a nuance of oddity. But I love-love-love to read… now that I could do all day long. Thank you for reading. ❤

      Like

  17. I keep hearing about podcasts, but have no idea what they are, although I can guess. I avoid facebook, twitter, linkedin….. I imagine podcasts are another thing for me to avoid! Chopsticks, sometimes, but hands are better! I have used my hands to create so many things in my life.

    I love how you write!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Karuna. 🙂 Podcasts are like spoken blogs and vary as widely as to theme. I like them in specifically for when I want to lie down in the dark– and so books aren’t an option and technology is too distracting, so I just listen. They’re also far less regular, so that helps.

      And hands– just like you, I love them for the amazing things they do. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I’ll take a sandwich, or kebab, or anything really. So long as you don’t mind my likely mess (we’ll just laugh together, okay?). Two more weeks and then I’m *free* and EdiMo will be upon me… 😉

    Like

  19. I enjoy eating with my fingers, using them to scrape the plate and if not too many people are looking, I will skip the fingers and just lick it. I have rarely used chopsticks and therefore am not very coordinated with them.
    I really prefer true words rather than fiction, lies, etc.

    Like

  20. I listen to podcasts … wouldn’t want to produce one, thought. I like chopsticks … and I bet I could eat a grilled cheese sandwich with ’em – assuming the bread was GF. I didn’t have the year you did, but mine has been painfully, internally change-producing too (maybe not quite as much as yours). Wish I could let go of the old me, but as a fellow-blogger reminded me earlier today, untangling is difficult business and letting go can be excruciatingly hard.

    Should it scare me that I totally get this post? I understand random, leftover thoughts that are so random as to elude my grip altogether; most of the time I give up trying. But, then, I always have liked leftovers. The flavors have had time to meld and mature. For me, leftovers are the tastiest lot in the fridge. Thanks for bringing them out and giving us a meal. No chopsticks necessary.

    Peace,
    C

    Like

  21. I started using chopsticks when I was very little. As far as I was concerned, it was the only way I could get away with playing with my food. Not that I ever really wanted to play with most of my food. But I was – am? – just the sort of kid who wanted to do the exact thing she was told not to do.

    I thought this post seemed a bit looser than most of the ones I read from you. But you know what my thought was? “Huh. New Rara. This is neat.”

    I’m glad you tried something different. 🙂

    Like

  22. When I changed years ago..around that *stitches* era…someone close to me said:

    “You think this is the new you, but it’s not. The real you was here all along. This is just another layer.”
    Like skin.

    I think that is true for you too.

    It made sense to me. & They were right.

    Like

  23. I love everything about this post, Ra. It feels right at home with what feels so true to me right now- and it’s not about the words (though I like the ones you chose) and it’s not about the pictures (ohmigod: melty-balloon-animal-puppy) ! What is it about? It’s about hands and voices, and real connecting. It’s the way your words met with what I was feeling, as if you already knew.

    I get insomnia sometimes – like last night.

    Chopsticks: I was started on chopsticks under the age of 10, just like astrology, crystals, and other new-age-y stuff, like yoga: apparently here in California this is just “the daily normal.” When I went to Vietnam, they showed me how to use chopsticks their way. I adjusted, “learned.” When I went to China, they showed me how to do it their way, too. Again, I made adjustments. At this point, I like using chopsticks at home. It makes me feel like I have a beak on my hand. I think that’s reason enough to love using them.

    Like

  24. Your writing is beautiful, whether you like it- or doing it, for that matter- or not. It’s great, warming (even when sad) and amazing. I don’t comment all that often because I’m not sure what to say, but if you’d like, I can start leaving a “you’re amazing” on every post.
    You do say it to us all the time, after all. You deserve to hear it too.
    Chopsticks are great, in my opinion. There up there in the list of things that I only tell people after we establish that they won’t be running away when they discover I’m weird. The first thing they discover is that if I can’t sleep, I listen to Metallica, because music turns off my brain.

    Like

  25. I’m not a podcast person really. My laptop being in a communal area it’s always muted and it’s a pain to break out the headphones and then remember to mute it again afterwards. So I rarely watch videos online too.

    Writing it out of your head is better than watching it circle round and round and round and have it drive you crazy, my love.

    Xxx

    Like

  26. Rara. *hugs* You might not think so, but like my husband has said about you, you are a born writer. I think writing is as necessary for you as eating or drinking.

    It might help if you had something like Dragon Naturally Speaking; record your thoughts via spoken word, while it transcribes for you. That might help with the hand problem. If you have a Windows PC, you might have a scaled down version that’s similar to Dragon, called Sound Recorder, in your Accessories folders under the Start Menu.

    As for chopsticks, never really learned how to use them.

    Hands, I adore. I had a crush on the boy across the way when I was 6, because he had beautiful hands. 🙂

    This was an epic post. I’m sorry you couldn’t sleep. Not sorry you shared it with me. ❤

    Like

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