my inside voice

unlocked: last forever

This was posted back in August of 2014, but it was set to draft mode, so I’m bringing it back.  It was written on July 31st, from the H Tank, Bunk 21– Orange County Jail.

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I’ve always been fascinated by Lasts

The Last Samurai, The Last of the Mohicans, the last item left at a garage sale, or even all the things I wouldn’t do even if I was the last human on earth.

“The Last” is a tangible ending— not the sort that brushes by unnoticed, but the type that toots its own horn.  It does not whisper, it bangs, and it screams to the world, “Hear me now, see me now!  I am the end, and I am the beginning.”  It is not the snake’s mouth, or the tip of the tail.  It is “The Last”.  It is the space that holds the mouth and tail together, transforming a snake into an ouroboros, and a story into an eternity.  It is magical.

8 ouroboros

Today is the last day of July and I am savoring it.  It is the last moment of July 2014 that I will ever see.  It will be a whole year before I see a shade or glimmer of July again.  It is a last, and today, I am mesmerized by its swan song.

I feel this day stretching into August and though all July’s have done this dance, it seems to be taking its time.  It is yawning into the start of a new month, warming to the idea of a tomorrow where it does not exist as anything except a memory, and—even then—just a faded one.

Still, it toots its own horn, bangs its own drums, and sings its own swan song.  It will be forgotten in due time, but time washes and fades everything, so it does not take the slight personally.  In fact, this day has nothing to say about tomorrow at all.  It is simply celebrating how it was born of the grandeur of yesterday and rose to everything it could be.

In July, people loved and told truths, saplings turned to trees, birds found some of the shiniest things, and balloons escaped into the heavens.  And there were lies born, and knees scraped, and tragedies, and death.  But most importantly—the world lived to the end of today’s tale, and has started to sparkle its way to the mouth of eternity.  A full circle begins again, and for this brief breath—

we are forever.

Until tomorrow, when we begin the spiral of madness, creation, and destruction again.

Tomorrow is a first— the first day of August— and I will be celebrating.

I’ve always had a fascination with Firsts…

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How was your July? How is your August shaping up?

32 comments

  1. a gorgeous, poetic note as usual. please let us know as soon as you have an address for rara and we shall restart the deluge of mail! much love! laura

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  2. Hi Rara, sending my prayers and hugs. You were the first blogger to welcome me on WordPress. Also my empathy to hubby, as I have a 39 year-old daughter, whom I love dearly, in prison. After turning herself in, she sat in county jail, basically the drunk tank, for over three months waiting on a transfer to prison, waiting on paperwork that hadn’t even been processed. She would still be sitting there if I hadn’t started making phone calls. XO Jeanne Marie

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  3. It’s amazing how she’s still thinking about us. And not just “thinking about us”, but wondering how we’re doing, how our lives are going. She’s in hell and still inspiring us.

    Thank you for posting her posts. 🙂

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  4. Thank you Grayson for taking the time to post these notes. With everything that is going on (and I hope it’s getting better) it’s very kind of you to pass Rara’s letters along, I’m sure not a one of us will complain about timing of things, we are just happy to know you are both still out there, doing what needs doing.

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  5. Dear Grayson and Rara, I really feel very much for what you two have gone through. Pray and hope this faze will also pass. So nice of you to post this letter. My blessings.

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  6. Blessings and prayers for peace and patience to both of you. I cannot fathom how it must feel for you…for Rara inside the prison and Grayson who cannot be with you. Love to you both. – Fawn

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  7. So nice to read your words, Rara. I hope that you are doing as well as possible and keeping faith and hope for a better tomorrow. You are right: nothing lasts. Even the most difficult moments of our lives end. Hugs and cheers to you.

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  8. It hurts to read this, but I love the magic in her words… Thank you for taking the time to post this, and if you need anything, all you have to do is ask.

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  9. I am often tempted to save the last one. Of course that is not possible for a day on the calendar. Well, I could reserve it, set it aside, but it would still pass.

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  10. My prayers and thoughts are with you Rara, and your words are always so beautiful. Like Chatter Master asked, I hope we get a new address for you soon. Blessings and Hugs!

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  11. Prayers continue. Will check back for address. I wonder if you ever got the stamped envelopes I sent. I hope you are well. Grayson, please take care of yourself as well.

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  12. I don’t even know what to say when I comment anymore. Everything you write is so beautiful, so thought-provoking and so touching. I don’t want to use your word with Grayson, though “thud” does sum things up nicely. I’m going to come up with my own word to describe what your writing does to me, ok? xoxo

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