my weekend in 5 posts

If we were having coffee, I’d probably fall asleep before I finished even one cup.

I’m tired, Best Beloveds. Too tired to think up a metaphor that would fit perfectly right here.

I’m so very tired that I feel as if everything I ever might want to say has already been said.  In fact, I can think of 5 posts I’ve written before that sum up all the thoughts I’ve had this weekend:

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Rara and the Moon On Saturday, we attended a gala where my nieces and dozens of other children danced and celebrated Diwali. We told the story of the holiday and lit many candles.

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Clever Titles Are For The Rested I love children, but being responsible for them for lengths of time makes my brain shatter. I have no idea how someone can grasp a metaphor in the haze of that sort of exhaustion.

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She had Blue Skin The party was overwhelming for me. I can brush over the facts all I want, but the reality is I’m still not acclimated. I’m not used to being free. I am afraid, all the time– large groups, loud noises, too many options. One on one, I am okay, because I love you, and that makes all the difference.

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Bloggercise! I had to do what little blogging I did do from my phone, crouched over the seat of cars and leaning over vats of colored rice. If there’s a part of my body that doesn’t hurt, I haven’t found it yet. I should have remembered to bloggercise.

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The Burdens of Blog Babes  My sister’s daughters didn’t want to wear the dresses that were selected for their dance.  Their noodles were too long to eat, their rice was too white.  They didn’t want to use the bathroom until we were on the entire opposite side of all bathrooms on earth.  They only wanted to touch the things that couldn’t be touched, and they only wanted to talk below a scream when imparting important information in busy rooms.  But, they took time to encourage every person on their team.  They worried that their grandpa didn’t have enough food, even before they had eaten. They gave their crayons to the kids who had none, and picked up trash off the floor and threw it away without prompting.  They rushed to the side of anyone they saw alone, or upset, or in need.  They thanked the caterers as we left, and told them they did a good job.

Their grace reminded me of a blink of a moment where my sister worried about not being able to keep up with blogmoms who manage to do everything, and label all the different types of blocks in a playroom.   It’s a silly fear given how well she’s obviously doing.  It reminded me, once again, how important it is to be as authentic as possible on my blog because I’m blogging my story, and someone might have lived a similar chapter.

Faulty days are part of our story.

Our blocks don’t always go back in the box, and sometimes we don’t even have a box for the blocks anymore– but it doesn’t mean you can’t build something amazing out of them.

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Today I am faulty.  I am tired and if we were having coffee, I’d probably yawn and rest my head on the table, like I wasn’t raised with any manners at all.  The yawning would contort my face, and the coffee would splash on my pajamas.  My hair would be a mess because it always is when I feel this sleepy.

My words would be misshapen and sloppy because I was afraid all day long.  My brain was besieged by the aftereffects of trauma, and they were my protectors.  They were pelted and burned, stabbed and rammed– but they held their ground in fierce defense of the idea– the light will always overcome dark.

And it worked. I still believe it.

Which is why–  though I look bruised by life, and though I ran out of decent words, and though I will probably end up falling asleep before finishing this cup– I’m happy to sit here and share coffee with you.

You are a shining beacon, and when I see your light–
I see a little less of the darkness and a little more of Hope.

Everything’s gonna be okay, Best Beloveds.

Do you want a refill?

_______________________________

NanoPoblano, NaBloPoMo

Your weekend in one link: Go!

59 thoughts on “my weekend in 5 posts

  1. I have really enjoyed having coffee with you today. I am in a similar place to you, tired and lost. But having shared your thoughts I feel less alone, I hope my words can help you feel the same. Yes please I will have another cup if you are still awake. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes, Please, more coffee. It helps me stay up so I can watch the sun rise. If the sun comes up I can go to bed, happy in the knowledge that another day has come. Maybe this one will bring me my honey…
    😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This deserves a longer response than I can give it right now – because I’m waiting on a train and blogging on my phone (Bloggercise!) – but my head’s all over the place this weekend.

    I’m worrying about silly work things and, like I always do when I’m feeling low, comparing myself to my peers and beating myself down for not being as wonderfully creative and productive as they appear to be. There’s also things in my personal life that I’m very unhappy with but frustratingly unable to fix. I care a lot about the happiness of other people and it hurts.

    But I don’t want to put any of this on the blog. I’m trying a new start at blogging and aiming for more purpose and consistency. I suddenly feel the need for a filter now and, like the blogmoms you mentioned, I’m fussing over getting things just right. I have an audience now – little me! – and I’m procrastinating over what I can write and how to make everything look pretty like all the other blogs.

    I am happy with how it’s going this month so far and I have posts I want to write, but this weekend I don’t have the energy or enthusiasm. I know that once I start writing I can do it, but it’s getting to that keyboard.

    I get completely where your coming from about the mob mentality online. I too find myself silenced without ever having spoken up.

    I would happily share a coffee with you. I guess I almost wrote a blog post here after all.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think our creativity flourishes more in authenticity. Which is why often my favorite part of blogging is found in my comments section. Here, we’re chatting honestly. :). I’ve only been following you this month but I’ve only noticed good things. I think you’re doing wonderfully. :). And if there’s anything I can do, to be a sounding board or whatever, just let me know. xo!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. A refill any time, Rara. You had a busy time, and don’t apologize for your hard time dealing with crowds. My son has the same problem, only his is based in ADHD. Taking him to NYC was quite an adventure. I’m loved hearing about your family activity! Young children can be very exhausting, but some day you will have children of your own and will become very fit at dealing with them
    Loved keeping company with you, and I strongly suggest a comforting nap!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yes. I knocked out for 8 hours straight which is quite a bit for me. And now I’m just lazing around taking time to heal up. I can’t imagine going to NYC in my current state, so I feel for your son. ❤

      Like

  5. I enjoyed reading the balance of the qualities versus the “faults”. None of us are ever perfect and we must find that balance between negative and positive, it being very important to persevere.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I sometimes envy you your ability to see light in the darkest places. It’s not something I’m able to do. Sounds like, though you’ve been busy, life has been treating you well. That makes me happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, life has been good… Overwhelming at times, but good. I’m surrounded by awesome people and maybe that’s why its so easy to see the light?

      Like

    1. Yep. There were a few hundred kids at the party. At some point, I watched them zoom by in a streak of gold and glitter and realized I’d never go that fast again, ha. :). Not that I’d have any need to… Slow is working out just fine for me. 🙂

      Like

  7. Everything’s gonna be okay. This too. This too. this too. This too shall pass – this feeling of being afraid when you have too little restrictions and too much going on. Gradually you’ll rediscover your anchor.
    Of course I want a refill!
    Alison ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I hope so, Alison. I’m beginning to lose patience with myself. But I realized last night that I’ve made significant progress since coming home. So, here’s to more progress! :). Thank you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Happy Diwali, Sparkliest One. I shall light candles for you today (though I won’t gamble), and give up on day-clothes, and fetch amaretto coffee and watch videos of people being ridiculous until I feel that the webs of tiredness holding my brain captive have relaxed enough to let me write.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That sounds like a delicious day. Diwali is actually Wednesday the 11th… But I’m glad we’re both celebrating now. I’m sure we can harvest some awesome from a few extra days of light. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I would love a refill! And if we were having coffee I’d probably tell you to relax, you don’t need to pressure yourself to think up something new and brilliant every single day. Even super bloggers like yourself need a day of rest! 🙂 cheers

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Janelle. Blogging is actually notsohard for me because I tend to think in blog format. These books I’m writing on the other hand… *head falls back on table* … Yeah. We’re gonna need more coffee. 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  10. If you were here, I’d make you the last Ethiopian fair trade what’s-it-called-that-I-got-from-Ralphs-for-free. It’s delish and I know where they keep it in the store so I could get more. However, it’s yours. One cup at a time. It’ll be waiting when you get up from your nap. Unless I drink it out of necessity, at which point I’ll brew up a nice cup of English Breakfast tea (which is perfect, no matter what time of day) …

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Happy Diwali!

    I find holidays to be so much fun but to also be incredibly draining, especially when they involve family (which they nearly always do) and lots of kids (which they always do). lol

    This weekend, I’ll take all the coffee I can get…I’m moving slooooow. The weather is grey and rainy, and it’s cool for the first time this year, so all I want to do is curl up and sleep.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I am just getting around to reading 400 posts from Nano Poblano…I think I need more caffeine.

    I really, really wish I could learn to like coffee 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, I’m doing the same. I recorded myself reading some of y’alls posts, but then I felt like I couldn’t use it because I act like I know you all personally and it’s really weird. Maybe I’ll just take volunteers and do it like that review site that went around awhile back– that made a little video analyzing your blog? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  13. No refil required. You need to be tucked into a blanket on the sofa to quietly watch comfort movies. Stay there, let me look after you. I’ll brush and plait your hair, I’ll bring you coffee, and I’ll make pancakes, or Top Ramen, whichever you prefer. And when you feel more awake, you can take a shower and then we’ll go for a walk around the block.

    Liked by 1 person

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