journals

because i love me, too.

I’ve been drinking tea instead of coffee.

I don’t know if the extra dose of caffeine will push my emotions to the next stage, but I’m not willing to figure it out.

I’m using Dave’s computer and the keys are frustratingly close together. The computer crashes if you press too hard on it, or if you do too much with it– so, in my case, it crashes every ten minutes. It makes me think of Dave, and his hands, and his gentleness. He could paint a mural on the inside of a bubble and not burst it. I can barely catch one without exploding it into a million bits of glycerin and air.

I gave that analogy to Dave once, over stale pizza and sweet tea. He said he was a lucky man to have married a girl who could turn bubbles into confetti without even trying.

I think I probably rolled my eyes, or stuck out my tongue.
That’s the sort of thing he’d say, because he loved me.

We’re gentle with the people we love.

Today, I was upset at myself because I just can’t blog from a phone. I’ve done a few now, and I could probably do a few more, but trying to blog in 5 minute segments on a frustratingly-delicate computer is actually easier. My hands are sore, and Rarasaur lost her arm.

The moment I officially fell apart.

A post shared by My name is Ra. (@rawra.avis) on

I still don’t know what’s wrong with my car, after taking it to mechanic after mechanic. It’s been a stressful couple of days, which always seems to mush into the realization that it’s been a stressful couple of months, and years.

And of course, at the peak of my panic, I realized I had a few hours to prepare for a friend who was coming over to help me make a video clip for Rarasaur blog.

I considered calling it off, because I had spent the morning crying in spontaneous bursts, but this was important and we’d been planning it for too long.

I had a list of things I wanted to say, but when the camera was on, I focused on my friend, and just told him about this community. And though I felt all jagged and broken on the inside, I think I probably only sounded (as my friend {A}, just lovingly told me) affected and greatly moved by the beauty of you. I am gentle when I talk about what happens here because I love you, and I feel lucky to know you and be a part of your lives. I feel lucky that you come here to be a part of mine.

We’re gentle with the people we love.

So today, when I was railing at myself for not keeping up– for having handfuls of comments to get back to still, for having emails that are unresponded to, and people I haven’t checked in with– I stopped myself.

I thought, Would I be this hard on you?

Of course not.
I love you.

So just for today, I’m going to go back in time.

I’m going to take back the eye roll, and believe that I’m lucky to be the girl who can’t catch a bubble. I’m lucky to be the girl who can’t hold her caffeine, and I’m lucky to be the girl who has survived so much worse than a couple of silly stumbles, or busted transmissions, or broken arms, or terrifying blue screens of death.

I’m going to pretend all of that,
and I’m going to give myself a break,
and forgive this post that isn’t a post…
… because I (probably) love me, too.

______________________________

Have you been gentle with yourself today?

72 comments

  1. I have not, but I feel like there’s a greater likelihood tomorrow now that I’ve read this post.

    And I’d say … this is a lovely actual-post. And I hope you keep trying to be gentle with yourself, for you deserve it at least as much as anyone else. (I’d argue “more than most” if I had the energy, but that’s what I’ve got for now.)

    And also, we’ll be happy to be gentle–if occasionally incoherent–with you, too. If that helps.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. My eight month old is trying desperately to sleep, and crying sporadically from her bedroom. Day three of sleep teaching and I’m getting used to responding to her cries after five minutes. This is a lovely post, and a reminder to love ourselves, since we are gentle with the people we love.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Well, last night was the first night she slept away from me. We didn’t sleep any more than if she was still with us, which was kind of the point, and rara, I missed her! I missed her warm little body and the feel of her hair. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Aww, it’s just for a bit. Once she has a system, I possum she’ll still be warm and cuddly and there for you… for many many years. But a schedule is good for her brain, and yours. πŸ˜€

          Liked by 1 person

          1. No, you’re right. My husband is like, “we can always bring her back into bed…” And she is learning about settling herself and she sleeps great, for awhile. πŸ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Unless you count eating far too much at dinner, lol.
    It’s the b/f’s birthday today so we went out for sushi for supper. All you can eat which usually means we come home bloated and very satisfied :D.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’ve been gentle with myself. I think the problem is that no one has been gentle to me. If I was the type of person to write hugs in parenthesis here for you, I would. Btw, I can barely drink soda after 3 pm if I want to sleep that night.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Aww, thank you for your invisible but still potent parenthetical hugs. πŸ˜€ If you want, I can make you a sign that says “BE GENTLE WITH ME RARA SAYS SO”, just like that, all caps and no punctuation. πŸ™‚ I think it’ll inspire some people to behave. πŸ™‚

      I’m actually pretty good with caffeine, it almost never affects me except when I’m already anxious.. then.. it just makes it a mess. But luckily it doesn’t keep me from sleeping. πŸ˜€

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        1. I get very sleep as it is– 3 hours a day usually? When I start to sleep more than that, I worry… but luckily, my short sleep is rarely prevented and rarely interrupted. It ends up with me having tons of insomniac friends, though πŸ™‚ given that I’m up to talk at all hours.

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          1. That might be good to know. My insomnia comes in bursts. It lasts for a few weeks and then it goes away. While I am ‘suffering’ I usually spend my nights staying in bed trying to sleep. I heard the light from the computer screen can make you more wakeful but I guess for the hardcore like yourself, it doesn’t make much of a difference.

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    1. I say we go for 3 naps, or 2 naps, and some chocolate… yes, that’ll do. πŸ˜€ See, Mer, some people here don’t know how to do this “be gentle with yourself” thing… we need to write a post for them. Even if the only thing on it is “Naps, Cat Memes, Chocolate!” πŸ˜‰ ❀

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    1. Well, we’ll work on that. I’m assigning you a mission– I want you to find a song that reminds you that you are AMAZING. (Because you are, and I know you know all the songs…. so at least one of them has to remind you that you’re kinda fantastic.) Listening to a song like that is a form of meditation and I’m really not so much concerned with you being gentle with others or not (though you’re always so gentle with me)– but I am insistent than you be kind to my friend, Mary, for she is a wonderful person. πŸ™‚

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    1. Thank you, Vanessa, *gentle hugs* right back. Sometimes I just fall short of what I want to do for everyone else, and that’s depressing… but, then I get a long night’s rest and wake up ready to do all the things again. So, here we go– zoom! ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This most definitely a post, a very good one…… and a moving one. I’m glad you are going to be gentle with you. You need and deserve it.

    I read this post on the phone this morning. I am presently in San Ramon with Amma. I was really wishing you could come here and get a hug from her too.

    I know you live too far away to do that so when I went to get my hug I kept you in my mind in my heart. I hope you were able to feel that hug in some part of you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Karuna. πŸ˜€ San Ramon is not so very far away, but outside of my invisible cage right now. One day, it won’t be, and one day, we’ll meet. πŸ™‚ I could most definitely feel the hug, so my gratitude goes to both you, and Amma, and all the people who fuel you both with so much love that you’re able to pass it on through the ‘net. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ˜€ Every time I see your peeking face, I go “squeeeee!”, because it’s good to see you around… ANNNND you wrote something. *spins about* See, I knew this was gonna be a good day. I just knew it.

      Thanks for popping over, Ace.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Nah, I’d have to be blind. I have a lot of love in my life, cuz I’m a lucky girl. I woke up refreshed today and I’ve already downed two cups of coffee, so … we’re ready to go! Zoooom! πŸ˜€

      Thanks for everything, Echo. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m taking today off, πŸ˜€ Focusing on reading. But it’s going really well, actually… I mean, I haven’t gone back and read it so it could be total junk (I have this strange little echo in my head preventing on the fly edits πŸ˜‰ )… πŸ˜€

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Well then we’ll learn. Your project is to write yourself a love letter, yessiree– listing at least one thing that you really love about yourself. And no comin’ at yourself sideways (look at me, implementing my newfound slang), you gotta be as nice to yourself in the letter as I would be to you.

      Double (arbitrary) points if you actually post it. ❀

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            1. Psh. Everyone has limits, and flaws, and bad track records, (or in some cases, bad records in general! #felonJoke #tooSoon?) but that doesn’t mean we don’t have an abundance of stuff about us that is loveable.

              There is an abundance of stuff about you that is loveable. I could list them, but I really want you to find one on your own today, even if you cheat and go through your comments and see someone that is brought up all the time, or if you ask your kids. Yep, I’m forcing gentle-ness-lessons on you. πŸ˜‰

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              1. Well, I can’t do it because, frankly, it would be disenguine. To write a post like that I’d be lying, and I just don’t have that in me.

                I appreciate what you’re trying to do, really, but I just can’t.

                Liked by 1 person

  6. Was I gentle today? I don’t know. I was slightly bitchy and whiny behind backs, and nice to faces, which doesn’t sit well with me, but also there are things which I wanted to get out, which could only come out in certain corners, because the ears need to be right. The words were accurate, even if they’re ones of challenge and difficulty rather than of ‘all okay’ness. *sigh*

    That said, I achieved lots. I’ve eaten well. I’ve Done Life, and Seen People. I keep zoning back in on the Love, because I need to remember all the reasons it matters, and the ways that I have it, and the ways that I need it. And to keep remembering the differences it makes, even in those challenging situations.

    Your friend {A} is someone new and dear to me. I think I found her through you, probably, so thank you for being a catalyst there. I think you might be a catalyst for love and magic, even if you feel jaggedy on the inside. Perhaps you’re more catalystic because you’re jaggedy on the inside and you know how much you (and by extension, we) need it. Or the other way around.

    Either way it has a feel of namaste about it, and I think the world needs that in great, gorgeous dollops, so I’m glad you dished some out. And I’m glad you (probably) love you too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think so long as you realize you deserve all those little breaks, and all the wonderful people like {A} you meet, and all the good you’ve chosen to find in words and events alike– then, yes, you were gentle with yourself. Which is good, because I expect everyone to be gentle with you, including you… or else! πŸ˜‰ Love you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. On the whole, everyone else is very gentle with me, most of the time FAR more gentle than I am with myself.

        I have a HUGE problem with ‘deserve’ though, and am just completely humbled and grateful that people like {A} and Sunset and Beth and Kristi and all the people I visited, and all the ones I didn’t make it to, CHOSE me, and keep choosing me. THAT is more wonderful to me than anything, because they know me so well; all my jags and smooth lines, and they love me anyway.

        I decided to let myself off several hooks today on account of it just being the day it was. I also went to bed early last night, which can only help.

        I love you too, Sparkly One. And a year or so ago, I couldn’t have said that. It’s thanks to Sunset that I can. I’m endlessly thankful for that πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        1. All words are strange when you think on them too long, but I understand aversions to some and preferences to others, oh yes, I most certainly understand that. πŸ™‚

          Then I am grateful to Sunset, too, for passing on the ability to love and be loved– it’s a fun little skill to have, like being grateful and allowing others to be grateful for you– it makes the world a much safer, shinier place. πŸ™‚

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I think it’s more the twin concepts of ‘worth’ and ‘entitlement’ that I struggle with, because they seem to be joined together in the word ‘deserve’, and I rarely feel worth much, though I can feel entitled (for instance when other drivers do silly things and I get wound up about it). I’m glad you understand.
            Anything that makes the world safer and shinier is good. Love is good, and in the end, Love Wins. I’m reminded of that every time I come here. Probably one of the reasons (in addition to your wonderful writing, whether post or not-post, or thought or picture) I really like it here. πŸ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

  7. Awe! This post made me really, really happy. That’s a simple thing, for a simple gal like me. Thank you, Ra! Huggable bubble-glitterings~elusive and lovely. Always sign up for it all, and what you can’t do–love yourself through and through! ❀ ❀

    That blue screen of death and the frustration of computers, it's amazing anyone is sane! Especially… you. Happy video-ing and blogg-ing [and book writing]. I feel grateful to know you, to learn about you, to discover through you the confetti and to allow the tears. We are living this life – in full color. Give yourself however much time you need, and as many excuses as you wouldn't normally let yourself have. ❀ You are loved. We need you whole. (but we'll take what we can get.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ka. πŸ™‚ Sign on for everything, do what I can… yep, that’s pretty much my running motto. Luckily, no one except me gives me a hard time about it. πŸ™‚ Thank you for the hearts and the love and the support and the gentleness. I hope you know that you too are loved. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I haven’t been so… not so much lately, but today, I will remember to be gentle with myself. I’ve let heartbreak tear away too much. Today, I will remember who I love. Thank you, Rara… ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am glad you’ve decided to fill today with gentleness for yourself… then we’ll just have to remind you tomorrow, and the day after, because I know how bitesized life gets when you’re dealing with heartbreak. *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I can’t blog on a phone either. When I get frustrated with cars and blogs and grief and panic, I remember that we’re all tiny fleeting stardust turned lifeforms through the magic of primordial ooze and a spark. It tends to put things in perspective.

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  10. Sweetie, I was trying to do some catch-up stuff in my InoReader and came across this again – I saved it because I meant to remind you that you can post by phone when your hands are sore. I thought maybe it might help you in those times when you want to post but your computer’s down or something. I can’t type on my phone either, so I can totally relate to that! I’m sorry I’m so late in getting back to this. Maybe in the future we’ll have some voice posts from you – you have a lovely voice. πŸ™‚ *hugs*

    https://en.support.wordpress.com/post-by-voice/

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