#howIwidow blowing kisses journals

love, obviously

“I try to be a good person, and keep God in my heart, so the type of bad things that happen to you don’t happen to me…”

I sat in shock for a few minutes more in her company and cruelty, until I could walk away.  Yesterday, I learned Dave died.   Today, her verbal punch hit hard, and my bleeding will to live left bruises on my soul. 

I was feeling lost, loveless, and unloveable.  In a flash, I was an inmate, a widow, a bad person.

I found my way to the Firehouse’s bookshelf, tracing my fingers over their stories, half-heartedly rearranging and examining.  A stack of small Reader’s Digests fell over, and one opened.  A name on the page caught my eye, it was a quote from Nate Bagley.

Dave and I met Nate years ago.  We spoke on webcam and talked about true love, dreams, and the beauty of human connection.  I made a few little graphics for him, one in particular stating– I am creating my future.  

Before sending to Nate, I asked Dave if the graphic should include the word love somehow.  His answer was quick– “No.  It’s obvious.  If you’re creating a future, you ditch the jerks, and terrible memories, and keep the love.  No matter what.”

My emptiness was filled with memories of Nate’s hope and Dave’s certainty.   I closed my heart to unkind words.  I closed the book, and thought about the new one I’d be opening soon.

No matter what, love carries forward and you build on it.

It’s obvious.

___________________

sonder

A true story, and an example of a Sonder File.   Lives intersect in strange ways, and some people are just supposed to find their way into your story.

I’m collecting tales where the peripheral of me snuck its way into someone else’s story.  You can read more about what that means by visiting my early morning post here.

Do you know Nate? If not, stop by his world and say hey.  Or at least check out his recent TedX talk:

29 comments

  1. Well, I think lots of people try to keep God in their heart, but not for such selfish reasons – which is actually the opposite of keeping God in your heart. That’s really just keeping your Self in your heart. Just sayin’! And I’m so sorry someone like that hurt you so badly. *hugs*

    I like that definition of sonder. It looks like a word I’ll have to use somehow. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I am so sorry you found yourself in the company of such a heartless person. What does or doesn’t happen to someone is not based on someone else’s assessment or comparison. I wish I could hug you. You are awesome. And awful things happen to everyone, regardless of what does or doesn’t happen in their heart. But anyone who thinks it’s their role in life to say things like that to another person doesn’t have a very accurate understanding of herself.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Well, she was the lead Firehouse girl and never really liked me. I only told her about Dave because I thought it might affect my attendance– and that’s when she said what she did. I was warned by girls who held me carefully in their hearts that I shouldn’t say anything– but prison or not, I wanted to be professional about things. After that, my friends kept me safe and sound. It’s all good. Thank you, Deborah. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m glad you had friends like that, but still, some people really might want to get off their high horses and walk among real people. Wishing you much love and friendship in the new year.

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  3. I was going to say something totally judgemental like “If she had God in her heart, she wouldn’t have been so cruel”, then I realised that perhaps I’ve got no leg to stand on. My behaviour is not impeccable (though at the moment I wouldn’t be surprised if God is hanging his head in his hands and sighing despairingly over me) and yet I still think of myself as someone who tries to promote goodness, love, and light.

    People in glass houses.

    I hope you left her behind, and found some love to pour balm on the hurt.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh yes, there’s too much goodness in the world to let someone try to pour sadness in my heart. 🙂 And… you ARE someone who promotes goodness, love, and light. And we love you. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I am..I am…but I’m probably still in balance, in the grand scheme of things. Not to say I do the good stuff specifically for atonement or equilibrium but…it helps to know I’m effective at it.

        I ❤ you

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    1. Sometimes we’re not as bright as we can be, that’s for sure… but, there are wondrous people who more than make up for the few who are suffering too much to do better. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. 🙂 Thank you for reading. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Sad that she was so downtrodden inwards herself that she felt the need to lash out and make you feel bad. Good for you that you did not let it put you down. I guess when faced with clueless people you just need to keep the saying in mind “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”. Easier said than done sometimes when the wound is open and the hurt is raw but one should focus on that and on thinking that what a person says is never about who you are but who they are. Good and bad things happen to everyone. This life is about experiencing everything, learning and letting go of the hurt to keep only the lessons learnt. You’ve had your fair share of sorrow and I do hope the new year brings you new forms of happiness. Be well and at peace

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Geetha. Yes, in fairness, she was in prison, and it isn’t easy to hold onto kind and patient things in such an environment. You’re right, though, life is about learning– what to keep and what to let go. Dave used to say that the most important thing we could learn from nature is how to let the dead things go– morbid, perhaps, but also true. The leaf needs to fall to the earth in order for the tree to live, and for the possibility of another tree to sprout. Life is full of such odd phrases and thoughts and the strangest ones hit me at the strangest of times. 🙂 Which, of course, is what this particular story was all about. Thank you for reading, and for your wishes of peace. May the good thoughts you send into the world be returned to you tenfold. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I see the universe takes care of you at every turn, not because you keep God in your heart but because you keep *love* in your heart, (and so you see it at every turn). They’re the same thing but I think this is lost on the lead firehouse girl. I’ve been pondering sonder and how you wandered into my life 🙂
    Hugs, Alison

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’ve noticed there’s a variety of supposed “Christian” who lives in horrible fear. They say stuff like that and, while it is thoughtless, I think it says more about their desperate need to believe that if you “pray right” and follow the right rules nothing bad will ever happen. Says more about her than you. And what a beautiful direction you went in right after that. Which is who you are.

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  7. Well, since I don’t believe that ‘god’ does shit to people, her statement makes no sense to me. The universe, however, has entrusted you with a considerable amount of painful circumstances in your life, Ra, perhaps for the purpose of showing just how brightly your light shines. After all, light can only impact darkness.

    The positive outlook and love you radiate is A-MAZ-ING! That you can give such hope to us from out of your difficulties and grief screams strength, grace, faith, and most of all the power of love in the world. I imagine that firehouse lady couldn’t have been more jealous of the peace she saw in your life. She knew (as many of us do) that if she were in your shoes she would not have the fortitude to press on in love as you have (her words alone testify to her inability to love another). Her own inadequacy found its outlet when she lashed out at you. Bless her … and move on.

    Happy 2016 – here’s to new beginnings for the most awesome dinosaur I have the privilege of knowing (even just a bit, from afar). ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for making such big, everlasting positive impact, Nate. I can’t think of a nobler mission than Love, and I continue to send infinite blessings your way! xoxo! ❤

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