my name is ra.

one coffee, two coffee

I haven’t posted in days, but who’s counting?

It shouldn’t be suspicious to anyone who knows my schedule.  This time of year, when I’m not busy being incarcerated, I’m usually unavailable for any deep thoughts…

but this year I am taking it easy, so really I have no excuse for blog silence except, my heart isn’t in it.

I don’t know why, and I don’t know why it would matter.  I have 9 or so more stunning Sonders that don’t require my interaction or heart at all, but,

but,                       but,

but                    but                 but  

but.

 

My heart isn’t in my space, or my written words, or in my spoken words.  When my heart isn’t in something, I go silent.

I’ve gone life silent.

There are things going on.   Things that make me feel like a victim.  Things that make me feel angry.  Things that make me feel unsafe, unworthy, untrusted.

But they are just things– passing, fixable things– and in the moments where those just-things can be pushed to the side by distraction or necessity, I am okay.

I am seeking a more permanent fix.  I am seeking a new form of expression, one that can be added to this platform because writing a blog will always be first in my heart.

I tried doing other things, too.  I tried to be a writer.  I finished the pages to the book, and it’s just fine, something I might read, but there’s no commentary at the end of the chapter. There’s no readers folded into my words, or life stories that are paralleled to mine, or funny notations.  My book is missing my Best Beloveds, and it is is a tangible loss to the intricacies of the stories I weave.  It’s a dream catcher, without adornment; a simple circle of gathered knots, without the stretch outwards toward the big and beautiful world around us, above us, below us.  It’s a story told, not a story started.

I think about you when I write the tale, because I thought about you when I lived it.  How could I not?

I am a blogger, even when I go silent.  This is my home, even if I don’t know how to count the size of it.  You are written into the margins of every day, even the days surrounded by people who have never run into a blog in their life.  Even on the days where you also play a part in the main story.

This sort of writing is my medium of choice.

It’s the environment where what I express is most closely linked to what I feel.  It goes at my pace and rhythm. It forces me to box and dance in equal measure. Type like a butterfly, blog like a bee.

There is a worn, but tough, mat in the a center of this post, and if you stand close enough to me, you’ll see the rings and things that lock me in.  Those just-things that pass by. With you, shoulder to my shoulder, I can see them more clearly and

it is them that are unworthy of me, of my life, of this home,
of our home.

I want to say that if we were having coffee, I could explain all this.  I want to say that if you were sitting here, you’d understand my new found obsession with Vine, or YouTube, or podcasts, or doodling.  A new form of expression that incorporates into this world because this isn’t enough as much as this is everything I’ve ever needed.

I want to say that I’d tell you the details of those just-things, so you could give me love and empathy, and an invisibility cloak.  So you could tell me it’s okay that I disappeared from any concrete, conscious presence.  So you could tell me that you’ll wait for the Sonders, as they come, and you’ll wait for me to survive the next life battles as they come.

But I know you’re in my corner– and since some days, it seems like the only thing I know for certain– I probably wouldn’t say anything at all.

I would sip my coffee– black, lately, all the time, because the days don’t seem to graduate to sweet nights anymore.  And I would refill your drink of choice, and maybe we would watch the silent bindings of every what-if and every but-but-but. Maybe we could try to measure them somehow, or measure ourselves by them, or add them up or count them, as if the numbers of them mean anything at all.

You’ll sit on your stool, keeping the bandages in reach and the water refilled, and I never stop bouncing, because I can’t. I have to stay ready because some part of my brain can’t stop remembering the one time in my life when I got knocked straight out of the corner. I can’t stop remembering how the world looked, as I lay sprawled out in the center of the mat. It was the same ol’ spiral I saw my whole life, but I never saw it from that angle before. I’ve never had the purpose slammed out of my sting.

From that angle, the kindred souls written into my margins are smaller than I can read, and just-things are bigger than I knew they could be.

Size is relative, though. Time is relative. And the size of time is the most relative thing of all. No one can be expected to count those things or measure them in anyway.

I haven’t posted in a few days,
but I promise I’m still in your corner, with fresh bandages I hope you’ll never need, and confetti that I will use copiously to celebrate your successes.

You can count on it.

___________________________

Thank you for your support of my guest bloggers, and for your patience in waiting for future sonders.  There’s great ones coming, possum.

Give me a reason to throw some confetti around, tell me about something frightfully wondrous.

Count_von_Count_kneeling.png

[This coffee-flavored offering is brought to you by the letters #WCS and my favorite one-time-peppered part-time Monster’s Weekend Coffee Share. Which is why you should read the title in Count Von Count’s voice, and why– if you do– you should give yourself a high five from me.]

77 comments

  1. I can relate to the quiet withdrawal, when life is harsh and almost unbearable. It’s hard to let go of the hurts and the wrongs when they knock us down, but eventually we catch our breath and dust ourselves off – then go another round. Your quiet preparation will lead you there 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Janna. My husband was a firm believer in a little stillness and a little silence leading to big, wonderful things. He barely spoke to anyone for a whole year before meeting me, and he’d swear up and down that it’s how he found his way to what he wanted. The bigger the still, the bigger the success, he’d say, so we’ll see. Myself, I’m not great at silence or stillness– but I am learning. 🙂 Life is determined to show me how to live it. 😉 Thank you. 😀

      Like

      1. Before she contacts me, she must throw some confetti too. And then she will understand why you did it.

        And then you can start your own confetti club. If it’s your first time in confetti club, you have to throw confetti.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Carol. The only thing stopping me from trying allll the things right now is a little bit of a learning curve, so hopefully we’ll be seeing some crash-n-burn attempts, soon– I figure I need to get through a few “oh, that didn’t work!” things before hitting one that really suits. 😀 I love your gravatar picture, by the way– the tonality is perfect.

      Like

      1. Thank you. It was taken by a friend of mine who was playing around with photography. She has her own wordpress as well actually, though she doesn’t use it much recently.
        I’ve been playing around with some new bits and bobs for blogging recently. Something I’ve really got into is doodle-a-day. My drawing skills aren’t fantastic and my confidence took a big blow a few years back when I did GCSEs and my teacher was less than encouraging, since then I’ve been meandering back towards drawing regularly and this year I really decided to go for it. It turns out that I didn’t lack the ability, just the practice and doing it on a daily basis has already improved my skills hugely.
        Sorry. Just went off on a massive ramble.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I love massive rambles! A few of us picked up handlettering recently, and when we started– we all said how bad our handwriting was, but by the end of a few months of regular practice, we were all noticeably better and happier with it. It’s amazing what practice does. I’m hoping the same thing happens with whatever new expression I find– I know I won’t be “good” at it at first, and that’s a little stressful, but I just want to communicate the things I can’t communicate correctly here.

          Your friend is talented, and you can tell her I said so. 😀

          Like

  2. My heart completely puddlified when I read this because it so completely captures the joy of blogging: “There’s no readers folded into my words, or life stories that are paralleled to mine, or funny notations.” Hurrah for Ra!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Susanne– yes, blogging is such an interactive sport. Nothing really comes close. I’m glad you experience the connection, too. 😀 Hurrah for the joy of the blog!

      Like

  3. i have discovered this frightfully wondrous video and posted it at my place. I do not know your spiritual leanings, but this teaching will free you from any rut you may find yourself in. I have no clue what a sonders is. You have so many projects running concurrently that I can get a bit lost.

    i agree with you about blogging. I do explore other means of expression, but the community aspect is so fulfilling. What is a conductor without the orchestra? What is theater without an audience?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do run a lot of concurrent projects. I used to do a monthly “This is what’s happening” page, but it was hard to get in the swing of it when I came home. A whole month ahead of planning seemed a little overwhelming! Maybe soon. 🙂

      Sonders are guest posts written by others where I am a side character in their very big lives. I suppose, carrying the metaphor of this post, they are guest blogs about when I’m in their corner, and they are in the center of the mat. I received awesome submissions, but I’ve just been out of sorts.

      Since I started blogging, I’ve felt fully expressed by my antics here, but lately, there’s something I want to communicate that I can’t through here. I’m unraveling the feels, piece by piece, until I find an answer. I’m a decent problem solver, though a slow one. 😀

      Thanks for reading, Lite, and for sharing the video. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Weekend Coffee share is really an awesome kind of thing ain’t it? I’m planning my own podcast – for pretty much the same reasons you seem to be contemplating adding something on to your blog. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m quite fond of WCS, both the reading of them all, and the writing. I like the humannness of the prompt. And… hurrah for a Sarina podcast! How far along are you in your plans?

      Like

      1. I still need to sort out my music and decide if need a proper mic or just do the recording on my cellphone. I actually had a guest lined up – but that’s not working out so I’m planning on something else. I’ve figured out most of the mechanics of it… I actually already had my episode 0 – which was more a figure it out kind of thing.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, I want to send you frightfully wondrous things! (Or just silly, nonsensical things.) Please sign up for my Random Acts of Nerdiness…pleeeeeease. 🙂

    Frightfully wondrous things that come to mind at the moment? Breathing in the early-morning snow air, scores of birds hopping and swooping and bickering and cooing in our yard, Grace getting all “A”s for her first semester in art school, hot chocolate with more whipped cream than any human should be allowed to consume in one sitting, plastic dinosaurs behaving badly (but don’t tell them that they’re plastic, please…I think they’re unaware), and, of course, you. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, chica. I appreciate you and I so-very-much admire your relentlessly good-hearted energy! I thought I signed up for ALL the NerdInTheBrain things, 🙂 but I’ll go back and make sure I did it right.

      Snow air! All A’s! Hot chocolate! Plastic dinosaurs! All worthy of confetti! I don’t know about bickering birds, though, that tends to be on my “why I don’t wake up early” list, 😀 Still, confetti anyway!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. There’s this thing with expressing ourselves through a blog or any other medium… I do feel sometimes that there’s nothing more left in me, which is obviously a cloud hanging over the truth of the wide expanse that we all are.
    Well, I look forward to checking out your new modes of expression. I already enjoy checking out your instagram posts and reading what you have penned whenever I come back to visit the world of wordpress blogging. 🙂

    You must throw some confetti around perhaps because it’s the perfect month to wrap yourself in a blanket. Ha. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A cloud over the truth, yes– and luckily, clouds can be blown away. If you just find the right method. I have a feeling that trying to find a new medium is going to make a mess of this place, but doing something is better than doing nothing, right? 🙂

      I love your Instagram, too, and I’m glad we connected there. I was happy to see that your face is as expressive as your words. I missed you in the Poblanos this year, we needed a few more daily poets because poetry is good for the soul. I’m sure of it. 🙂

      Also, I like your logic! Confetti throwing is much more fun when wrapped in a blanket taco —

      Like

  7. I find myself wanting words to say when I read your blog lately, because there seems nothing of value I can add. Thanks for reminding me that the value of my words can be within them being there, in the notice that I read yours.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Always, Jantine. My little red phone box is always in my corner and I always know it. I am always glad to see you here, even if it’s just a passing like because I know you did read– and I know you “heard”. 🙂 Thank you.

      Like

  8. I realized today that I hadn’t posted in quiet some time, two months. That is odd for me. But I will not be hard or harsh on myself, nor will I try to explain or apologize. It is what it is. And it is good.
    You are good and you are granted permission to do it your way.
    Love ya!
    Juju

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I understand Dave’s quietness equaling greatness. I do that too. I stay quiet for long periods of time. It seems a must with me. I call it ‘gathering my energy’. I need the quiet. I yearn for the quiet at times. Maybe you are channeling your beloved Dave? How more wonderous can it get? Stay you my friend with the beautiful smile. You are wonderous too. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m very unused to the quiet state, but then, change has been abundant these last years– so who knows what different things I need. I’m still figuring it out. 🙂 “Gathering my energy” — yes, that’s a wonderful way to put it. Beautiful smiles are always a reason to throw confetti and everyone does has such a lovely one. 😀 Thanks, Jackie!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m glad I opened my MacBook to read this a second time because the WordPress App on my phone decided I wouldn’t want to see the “But, but, but..” line in glorious colour. We’ll have to agree to disagree: I loved it.

    It’s perfectly fine to take a step back when you need to, especially at this time of year. I don’t know about you, but I still feel tired out from last year and with the dark days and miserable weather, seeking hibernation is preferable to doing anything too strenuous, much less blogging. We made a blanket fort over our bed which is completely ridiculous but lovely and cosy on these cold January nights.

    I’m confident you’re still out there being creative and making noise, even if it isn’t here, and you should know i’m always rooting for you. I may not comment or ‘like’ every post* but I read them all and I love seeing your pictures on Instagram.

    *I wondered the other day if giving too many likes diminishes their meaning. I was going to write a post about it but, but, but.. oh well. I like to think my little sprinkling of acknowledgement says ‘I really loved this post’ or ‘hoorah! well done you!’ Other times I give a like as a reminder to myself to come back and comment properly when I have more time. I will, promise.

    I’m looking forward to these other outlets you’re planning to attempt; I’m sure they will be wonderful. We are our biggest critics but if you can get beyond that to seek a second opinion, you’ll find a lot of encouragement and appreciation. On a side note, I popped over to Carol’s blog and the doodle-a-day’s are brilliant. I like the hands especially=D

    https://caroljforrester.wordpress.com/tag/doodle/

    I appreciate you may not always want to / are able to / simply cannot articulate those just-things. That’s perfectly fine: don’t feel like you have to explain yourself. Just know you don’t have to shoulder everything yourself. I’m always happy to share a virtual coffee if you need to talk. You have my details x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think about the likes thing, often. Back back in the day, someone wrote a post hallmarking me (among others) as probably WordPress spam because how I charge through and hit like a zillion times. I wrote a whole post to explain it, but the general consensus was– people know their readers as well as I know mine. We know what it means, and we know the crazy quirks of each other. 🙂 I have such extreme comment anxiety on my own posts, I’m pretty much panicked into just a like on everyone else’s. 🙂

      I also think about those just-things and argue between myself what is more effective– expressing it, or letting it go, since I don’t know if the two are always the same as it’s implied. Sometimes pressing it into a “permanent” blog is the only thing that keeps it alive and real in our minds. Maybe it’s best to just let it pass. On the other hand, there’s nothing scarier than the thought that hides in our mind, and writing shines such a light on our inner mind. Oh, me and my “on the other hands”, that’ll be written on my tombstone one day. 🙂

      Thank you for the like-love and the reading, and the wise words, and the offer for a cup of virtual jo. 😀

      Like

  11. I relate to a lot of what you’re saying here. I was counting the number of posts I wrote in 2015 and it turned out to be no more than 15, and my heart wasn’t in a lot of them. But you and me, we’re both bloggers even when we’re not blogging. That’s the great thing about writing and this community of bloggers here in WP: they are patient, and they will wait.

    Vine is an obsession of mine too 🙌

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Vine is fascinating to me, but I’ve juuuust started getting into it in terms of viewing. I’m not ready to jump into posting. 🙂 And yes, there’s nothing like a blogging readership– not only do they wait for us, we’re held in their hearts all the while. There’s no match for a community like that. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Rara, you just need to do what works for you when it works for you. When writing here works, do it, when you need to breathe and heal in other ways, do it. You don’t owe us a certain number of posts … or posts by a deadline. Write when it is good for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I know, you are all so wondrously patient with me. I think I could start taking pictures of bananas with faces on them and I’d still have y’all cheering me on. 🙂 It’s just, when I see that I’ve gone days without posting, I feel like I’m looking at a temperature of 103. Like, maybe I didn’t notice anything wrong, but clearly I am sick or coming down with something…. because I love it here. So what’s going on that I can’t be here? More and more, though, I’m coming to the realization that some things can just be explained in standard blog format, so I’ll have to figure out a way to color outside the lines a little bit. 😀 It’s a work in progress. *I* am a work in progress, 🙂 Thank you for being with me each step of the way, Elyse.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I’ve wandered over from the WCS and am so glad I did. Your description of the blogging world is so spot on. Thank you for putting everything that was in my head down in words!
    As for my wonderous moments…I am warmed by the comfort of being able to hide from the winter storm, safe and fed, surrounded by the people and fur babies I love most.
    Happiness in the simple things!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Nancy, thanks for popping over and saying hey, make yourself at home. Blogging is such a complex world, I am pleased I was able to a paint a picture of one of it’s corners. 😀 Thank you for reading!

      And, hurrah for warm feet and cold winter storms, and simple things and human things like love and family!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m glad you know that I am in your corner, and that I know you are in mine. I’m also sure that you know that I don’t visit your blog as often as I would like to is about me and not about you.

    I’d say the thing that is most wondrous for me right now is that I’ve discovered how perfect a fit Tai Chi is for me!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. “I’ve gone life silent.

    There are things going on. Things that make me feel like a victim. Things that make me feel angry. Things that make me feel unsafe, unworthy, untrusted.”

    Oh, you poor thing. I am only too familiar with those feelings and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone. I wish I could fix it and make it better for you. *hugs*

    I know of a site that might help you in that search for other ways to express yourself though – perhaps playing will help. https://sway.com/

    That, and adding sparkle to your confetti. Sparklies always seem to help. I think that’s why our tears glisten when we cry. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  16. First- frightfully wondrous? The skin on my children’s bodies, especially the napes of their necks. It’s delectable.
    Next, you never need to jazz handssssss for any of us, although you were quietly missed. So thank you for writing this jazz-handsssss-free missive, so beautifully, so gently, so courageously.
    Lastly- your book will give us a place to walk into, curl up, get lost, in a way 2,000 words never can do. And then we’ll write you long love letters to keep in the margins. So do that book if you have it in you. Please.
    Wishing you peace.
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Wander, lonely as a cloud
    O’er valley, mountain, hill and vale
    Seek out thy world in a grain of sand
    Lest thine enemy, time, prevail

    When thou art old, with hat in red
    Still, thou thinkst, therefore thou art
    Like quinquireme which saileth forth
    Lady Change shall play her part

    Stop the clocks; silence the phone
    Take thee the time to stand and stare
    Listen to thy margin’s notes
    We’re here. We care, we care, we care.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. I’m very confident in your ability to find a new form of expression! There doesn’t need to be a timeline, we all will be here waiting for when you are ready.
    I had my morning cup of tea in bed this morning, a frightfully wondrous moment for me.
    Cheers!

    Like

  19. My confetti moment for the past few days: My daughter was given a whole lot of eggnog through Gleaners. She is lactose intolerant so she gave me most of it and saved some for her boyfriend. I thought, what the heck am I going to do with all of this eggnog before the expiration date? When I made my coffee yesterday, I didn’t have creamer or milk so I put in eggnog. It was super! For my second cup, I decided to put in only half a cup of coffee and half a cup of eggnog. Presto! Change O! My run of the mill coffee is now a delicious eggnog latté that I didn’t pay $5 for! And the eggnog will not be wasted! Can you see me smiling?!

    Like

  20. Life is wonderful even when it’s not. Findig peace and comfort in silence will help to hear the world louder. The frightfully wonderful thing is life goes on. Your tomorrow will wait for you to catch up.

    Like

  21. I got some great new work shoes. Other than that the last 5 days have been really tough. My car battery died the end of last week at work, and luckily I have AAA and they came and brought me a new one. Not for free of course. 🙂 Friday night my computer died. Saturday I had to buy a new one. The great news is all of my files were able to be retrieved from the old hard drive, but the awful news is that a program that had my daughters wedding book saved in it was not something that could be transferred. I was half way through with it and now I will have to start over. It was daunting to begin with trying to go through 2000 photos, but now I am also having to learn windows 10, and it’s very difficult to even get to my files. It took hours to even find them. Windows 10 doesn’t display files and data the same way windows 8 did. Being visually impaired I need to see the picture files in the grid like they always were and I cannot figure out how to make it do that. I am sure the geeks will help me figure it out, and that’s why I bought that support because I knew I was going to need it. But it sure makes doing what I do tough and I don’t have time for the drama of it. I am just sad, feeling stupid and somewhat defeated and I just have to go to work now and keep plodding along.. knowing it will all work out. This all probably pales in comparison to your drama sweet Ra, but I guess I just wanted you to know you’re not alone and despite my drama I am always here for virtual or in person coffee. 🙂

    Like

  22. I just saw this really cool vine… EGBO 😉

    In today’s news that made my heart smile:

    Ivy walked down the hall way to meet me after school very s.l.o.w.l.y. because she was reading a book while she walked. 🙂

    The rain turned into snow as the girls xc ski lessons started. Older girls got to ski with my mom after class and where out for about two hours and even Jane and I skiied around for an hour and half.

    We have a piano in our house now. Even my musically challenged brain loves it.

    🙂

    Like

  23. In your corner, yes. Always. But you forgot the part where we are also the cheering crowd.
    As for something wonderful…Mamen and I went for a drive through the desert yesterday, in the middle of a storm. The whole area was painted in glorious shades of green-like someone took a can of spray paint and went nuts-with yellow flowers climbing up the mountains.
    The desert is beautiful when it’s brown in the dark, beautiful when it is yellow under the sun, but it is one of the greatest sights to behold when it is green, dotted with flowers.

    Like

Rawr?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s