that’s that

image

I wrote a loving ditty–
an epic one in fact–
but the bustle of the city
made us live it very fast.
I cut it down to nitty gritty,
and finished it at last:
“I loved him but he died without me.

And that’s that.”

 

The Daily Post’s photo challenge is about state of mind. I took this picture of Dave’s stuff before I gave it away–to remember.  Then I shook my head at myself, wondering at my state of mind.  I should have museum-documented it, perhaps, instead of putting his glasses on his buffalo and making the glove look like long strange arm.  Should have, perhaps, but that’s just not how I widow.

If you’ve talked to me in person, you’ve almost certainly heard or seen something cringe-worthy in terms of its morbid whimsicality.   I follow it up with the expression “Hashtag Too Soon?”

No one knows what to do when a recent widow flashes a picture of herself holding the decapitated head of her husband, from a Halloween photobooth years ago.  No one knows what to say  to a recent felon when she asks if they think her parole officer would be worried about such a picture.   So I smile and ask- #TooSoon?

It wouldn’t have been #TooSoon for Dave.  He and I often shared the same sense of humor, and always appreciated the delight the other could find in any circumstance.  “Life happens,” Dave wrote in his book, “whether you like it or not.  You might as well like it whenever you can.”

Dark humor was his forte, embedded in his heart and mind, and I wondered if I would have put a dead man’s glasses on a buffalo before I met him.  That’s the thing about growing up with someone.  You forget what you had in common and what you made in common.

Then I remembered this poem.

I wrote it before I met Dave, in a series of almost-limericks about the briskness of media and the unsentimentality of death.  So I guess, I loved him and we were strange together.

And that’s that.

 

_________________________

Do you ever do something and then think “What sort of person does that!?”  Is there anyone in your life you’ve known so long that you don’t quite remember who brought what characteristics or expressions to the relationship?   Would a post about all my #TooSoon moments make you smile, or hide?

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/state-of-mind/

60 Comments

  1. I can certainly see why some would find it too soon. I smiled after reading it and I think laughter is the sexiest characteristic in a man. There are certain things I find funny that someone who doesn’t know me would find horrible. It’s those that know me, or get to know me, that either laugh or shake their heads. lol. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When I first wrote about Tim, I felt conflicted about whether I should tell the truth, or create some fiction surrounding him – make him into someone else. I, suppose some would. I can’t. Much like you,

    I guess it would be dishonest, and what a shame to disembody them. We keep them alive, their spirit at least, in our truths we tell, and our tales. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly. A fiction often feels like what people want. When I said Dave would have gotten up and left his funeral in the middle, someone said to me– “Oh I’m sure he’d be more respectful than that.” HA! Nope. He never wanted anyone to confuse silence with acquiescence. He’d have left and he’d have explained why to anyone who asked. And I would have been obviously mortified, and secretly proud. 😉 He was a weird guy, with his own finite rules on living– I struggle with how to express that in a non-shocking way now that he’s gone.

      But I agree with you, what a shame to shroud him in lies in death, when he lived so much truth in life. So I guess we do what we do, and tell the story we lived, even if it’s not quite the one people are used to hearing. 🙂 Thanks, Paula. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ve helped me find my problem. I don’t know if my issues are a smile or me hiding. Am I enjoying life too much or hiding from it, either way it’s four thirty and I’ve been tired since midnight. I cannot get a wink. Maybe I’m doing both. It’s never too soon. Laughter is how we deal with life. We try to accept reality even at its most absurd. I wonder if I’m rambling. I wonder if this made sense. It doesn’t matter I know you’ve enjoyed this for the vibrancy of the words even if it lacks a logic. I know I’ve written these words with a smile.

    ECHO ECHO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laughter is the cure for most things, vibrancy of words is a form of laughter and smiles. We’re allowed to hide for small bits of time, so we can coil forward and do great things. Or, as I say so often… really important GOOD things. I hope you’ve slept since this. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. The #toosoon stuff would make me smile, because I get it. M and I had a discussion this past week, the third anniversary of his suicide attempt, about the logic of if he had tried it at home how long the cats really would have waited before trying to turn him into Not-So-Fancy-Feast (and which cat would be the first to strike).

    It is your grief, your love, your story, your rules on how you share, don't share and heck with those who don't get it. I'm on huge amounts of steriods at the moment for breathing so send me in the direction of those who want to argue otherwise, okay?

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh gosh, not-so-fancy, that’s hilarious and awful. 😀 I love you guys.
      I’m sorry you’re still sick, is there anything we can do to fix that? Mail you lemons and honey and such? 😀

      Like

    1. Haha! “Bless your heart,” oh goodness, that reminds me of Texas. It’s good to laugh, healing in fact, and even better that you have people who can truly share yours with you. Love to you. ❤

      Like

  5. The too soon posts would make me smile and then probably cry. For you, for Dave, for everyone who loved him. Dark humor is huge in our family. It’s a way to cope for all the sucky stuff. And you need some good – a whole lot of good. So if that helps you get through – then post it and # it or don’t # tag it. Those that love you will understand. Grief is the worst wave there is… you do what you have to to survive it and we’ll all be here, just in case you need a catch and a hanky. ❤ <3.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, chica. 😀 Grief is very much a wave, and I guess we just roll with the punches anyway we can, even if that means laughing at the punches and the rolls alike. 🙂 Thank you for reading, hashtags or not. ❤

      Like

  6. Laughing at the things which otherwise might break one’s heart is completely okay to lighten the load. If it wasn’t too soon for him, then it shouldn’t be too soon for anyone.

    Embrace the silly and the whimsical. Unless it’s a cactus, because embracing a cactus might not be comfortable.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you should know, that every time I saw a cactus today (which is often, because if California PSAs are to be believed, brown is the new green)– I wanted to hug it. I keep thinking that they probably never get hugs because people are afraid…. poor cactus! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Never too soon to find joy or laughter or love (even in the midst of tragedy). #YouDoYouJustRight
    (P.S. Strangely, I’m writing a novel- which sounds pompous, but there it is- and in the first chapter a woman is widowed. And as she cleans through her husband’s belongings, she lines them up and takes photo of them in odd configurations in order to find meaning, or to let go, or to hold on, or to get some distance, or just because that’s how she does her. Not sure of her motives, but somehow it has always made sense to me.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It doesn’t sound pompous at all, it sounds very exciting. You’ve been one of my favorite WP authors for a long time, so I’m looking forward to this story that parallels with my life story just a bit– she makes perfect sense to me, too. Thank you, chica. ❤

      Like

  8. I’ve talked smack about Male’s terrible habits and people look at me strangely. Just because he’s dead, that doesn’t make him any less of a slob.

    Do what you do. Period. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Do what you do.” — Dave would say that to me ALL the time. Love.
      But yep, I told someone the other day that my husband was kind of a jerk, and they looked at me like I ran over a puppy. I must’ve said that daily when he was alive, why would I stop warning people now? It doesn’t mean that they weren’t darn lucky to even get the chance to maybe get to know him, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him to the moon and back.

      I guess the best thing to do, is just to do what I do. 😉 🙂
      Thanks, Goldy. ❤

      Like

  9. *shrugs* I think it’s all been said already dear one, but at the risk of repetition, you work things out in your own time, and let no-one else’s expectations push you more forwards or hold you back than exactly the place you need to be at any time. It’s how YOU widow, not them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I never hear the repetition of thought because I know everyone’s back story– so all comments start in a different place. It’s actually sort of magical to think they can send up somewhere near each other. Here’s to letting go of other people’s expectations! 🙂 *clinks tea to screen*

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Lynette. It’s so very wonderful to see your blue circle again. I have missed you. Thank you for being here when I wasn’t, if I haven’t said that yet on messages you left while I was gone. I have hoped you are flourishing, are you? ❤

      Like

      1. Thanks for asking. 🙂 I have had a busy/difficult few months with a major job change, a 1000km move west and then my sister’s sudden cancer diagnosis in October. She passed away two months later.

        I am doing much better now. We all have stuff to get through, don’t we? Some of us have more of it than others…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh goodness, Lynette. A full plate, plus some. I’m thankful you got to now with your normal grace. If there’s anything I can do, ever, even if it’s just to listen, let me know. ❤

          Like

        1. I don’t count comment contribution so I wouldn’t know, :D. I just keep track of the people I’ve read the longest, those who’ve been around the longest (no matter what goes on with their user names 🙂 ), and the ones who’ve made me feel happy. Sadly for you, you fit all three categories so I guess you have a dino stalker for life. 🙂

          Like

          1. Noooooooooooooo, theatrical enough 😀
            It is truly good to see you back. I kinda cringe when I try and imagine what you have been through. Kudos to you..

            Like

  10. Who am I to say.. but I think the photo you made of his things IS museum-like, because it depicts something of who he was as you describe him, ready to see the humour in the dark, and not afraid to voice it. Take that as a treasure, and as YOUR treasure too, whether it’s originally from him or you or from you both. I’d say: #toowhat? Because who gets to decide what “too” is, in any situation?
    Your post is touching, as always. Take good care!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. There is no too soon for grief. It’s all incredibly insensitively personal. What is right for you will be too soon for someone else, what is right for someone else might be too soon – or not soon enough – for you.

    Just go with it. People should have learned by now that emotions don’t work to time limits.

    Liked by 1 person

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