blowing kisses

rabbit holes

I’ve been crying off and on since 3am this morning.  I really want to write something poetic, aesthetic, profound– to explain why– but I keep getting stuck in muddled facts.

Huntie: Just write with a pure heart. Trust your readers to find the light.
Me: Oh, my readers are the best. They bring their own light, just in case they can’t find it here.
Huntie: So write more.

So it is with a pure– and heavily saddened heart– that I start this by saying HuntMode passed away last year while I was away.  You may already know, I don’t know.  I found out just after 2:30am because Facebook sent me a message reminding me that it was her birthday.

“Of course,” I thought to myself, “Facebook.   Here I’ve been sending emails and cards and voice messages, like I’m brand new.”

When I investigated further to see where she’s been, I saw the notes of condolences and processed the meaning of the words.  I noticed my hands, drying my phone before I realized it was wet from tears.

When I was gone, it never seemed to occur to Huntie that I might not come back to this space, no matter how much I told her I was considering it.  When I came home, it never occurred to me that she wouldn’t be here, no matter how many times she told me it was possible.

Huntie: When you read this, welcome home, Rara. Love HuntMode
Me: I just saw this right now. And wanted to cry happy, hopeful tears. Thank you, Thank you. *hugs*

“I share it here so that a clear statement of fact on my part, that I believe in Rara, be known to any and all who read me.” – HuntMode, May 2014

I didn’t cry when I saw all the little notes she left me, so my parade of tears today would have– in a dry and strange way that possibly only the two of us would understand– tickled her funny bone.  It was a recurring theme in our friendship that the Universe unfolds itself in the way it already is.  The light is, and always was.  The light comes, and is always here.

Synchronicity is amazing because it’s our chance to see all the lights in action.  PS, we’d say in letters to one another– all the little lights.  My words, or her words– I wouldn’t even begin to know.

I didn’t know she passed when I wrote the last post, and it seems completely reasonable that I’d find out only after sending our words back in the universe.  Light reaches where emails and voicemails and letters cannot.

Me: Chasing Rabbit Holes? What an active blog name.  What happens when you find the one you’ve been chasing?
Huntie: You fall in, of course, and begin your adventures there.
Me: Of course. 🙂 Do you ever get to come back?
Huntie: No, but then, if you do everything with love, you never really leave.

The Facebook message alerting me to her birthday was sandwiched between an email conversation I’ve been having with someone who found my blog and didn’t like what was here.  Her main objection is my use of the free use of the word love, as if I really love these people I’ve met here, as if I really love my readers.   That conversation has turned into something civil, though I know enough of human connections to know that she’ll never join us here.  Some people understand that I can love my readers so easily because I loved them before they ever came here.  The universe unfolds itself in the way it already is.  The love is, and always was.  The love blooms, and yet is always here.

Some people would see the humor of being told there is no way to form a real connection with someone you only know through the internet, on a day where you can barely eat because you are grieving the loss of one such friend.  Some people, like me, and Huntie, and probably you.  You found your way here, after all.

I never met Huntie, though I learned her name and of her family, through our years of friendship.  We exchanged mail even before I ever went to jail, and she wore a friendship bracelet I made for her,until it fell off.  I told her that the bracelets are supposed to fall off, after the wishes that were wrapped into them take seed somewhere.  Every bracelet I mailed out came with wishes that were intended for the receiver.

For Huntie, I wished the light she gave so graciously would be returned to her a thousand times over.  I wish her the same today, though I have no place to send a new bracelet, no soft earth to lay it down on as I say my proper goodbyes.

I’ve never claimed it was easy to love people you’ve met through here, only that it is a true love. One that stays with you even if they finally catch up to a rabbit hole and fall down it, leaving your realm for good.

The good news is, with all that love that zings back and forth between these wires, they never really leave.  Friends that are, always were and always will be.  Friendships appear with a click, and yet were here all along.

Me, in the Valentine’s Day card I just mailed:  I love you, Hunty.  Thank you for being.  P.S. All the little lights.





I was able to screenshot this from my phone.  Her website has errors because of an expired domain name, but since I know many of us know each other by our address– I hope this works:

I know this post isn’t as well structured as my normal posts, but I promise you what Huntie and I always promised each other–

I’ll write more.


  1. I’m so sorry, sweet one. I know it hurts. *hugs*

    Last month, I found out my “first love” passed away about 10 years ago. Needless to say, I was shocked, and saddened. I found out by going down a rabbit hole, too.

    The connections we form here mean as much as we want them too. You loved Huntie, so your grief is real. Everyone should have someone who grieves for them when they pass. Your tears are the jewels in her crown.


    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m still feeling very blindsided by it. I made a mess in my house, trying to find her letters to me so I could take pictures, and when I couldn’t find them easily, just cried some more. I am sorry to hear about your first love. Or, as Huntie would say– sorry but glad, glad that we got to cross paths with so much love. *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Greetings, Rara-
        Peggie (Huntie) came up in my FB feed’s “On this day” feature. It said there was a new post, which is how I arrived here.
        I met Peggie when she adopted my foster greyhound Ella. We became fast friends, and although we were from very different perspectives politically, we spent many a day over a beer and interesting/challenging conversation.
        Peggie spoke of you often, Rara, and she thought the world of you.
        I miss her very much, but I cherish the memories of our comfortable ability to discuss with animation and agree to disagree with all civility.
        Huntie was a very special woman, and I am so grateful that she was a part of my life. I’m very sorry you had to find out in such a jarring manner.
        Rhonda Hudson
        (Maggie Magnusson on FB)
        And yes, love on the internet is very real and enduring. I wish you all the best.


  2. I lost my adopted big sis – who I met through the net – to cancer some years ago. She was funny and kind and I loved her like my sister. I was going to stay at her and her partner’s house but in the end we never physically met. This love for others via the net can be real – but only when sincerity is involved.

    I’m sorry for your loss.

    Hugs! 🐻 💕

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m so sorry to hear this Ra. She sounds like a wonderful person who brought a lot of light to your life. I thought your Little Lights post was profound – I was left speechless – and I’m sure she would have loved it.

    Online or not, these relationships are as real as you make them. It’s not for anyone to tell you how to feel about other people. There are all forms of love, and I admire you for sharing that love here. We truly don’t tell people enough that we love them, fearing it isn’t socially appropriate (which is nonsense).

    I’m thinking of you today. I can’t fill the dark space but I’m here. Always.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Well, Rara, it sounds like you might need a thud. I’ve had one shipped in from France, crafted by hand. It was put on a boat, but the boat had a giant balloon attached to it. This boat flew all the way across the ocean, where it dropped it off just like I ordered.

    I inspected it, and there was no damage in transit. The nice people waved goodbye, and I gave them my kindest farewells in bad High School French. They didn’t hold it against me. One really awesome thing is that this thud can fit through the Internet, across wires and wi-fi signals, and get put back together again. The manufacturer said it’s a standard feature.

    So here you go. I hope it helps. But in case it doesn’t, we can always try again. Love is always in stock, all across the world. Here goes, the French thud:

    *le Thud*

    Liked by 5 people

  5. I didn’t know HuntMode was gone. I knew her only fleetingly through you and I’m sorry I did not know her better.

    It didn’t occur to me you wouldn’t be back here after prison, even though you left the question floating – but I understood that too – in the limited way I could predict how life altering prison would be. Does that even make sense?

    I had three thoughts when your prison sentence was affirmed.
    1. OMG Rara! OMG Grayson!
    2. Of all the people to bring light to prison, it will be you.
    3. You will change people.

    You probably don’t think this of yourself, you probably don’t know how much magic you carry or how much you share. And if that person could question how much love you offer here, then they’ve spent no time here at all.

    I’ve connected with some extraordinary folk over the internet and I did not think that was possible. I’ve already meet one such person in Ireland and I am certain that one day I shall meet you.

    Until then and always, Ra – you are loved.
    “If you do anything with love you never really leave.”

    Liked by 3 people

  6. it’s perfectly okay and right that you should cry, dear heart. I knew Huntie from another blog. She was sweet and kind. I remember being shocked when I found out because I had no idea she’d been ill.
    I feel terribly sorry for that person who found your blog and didn’t like what was on it. They must be so very lacking in love in their own life. Of course you can love someone you met on the net. You only have to look at this blog to see that ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. HUGS I know that humans have the ability to Love those unseen. I have been attacked for that belief before but continue to have faith. That said, given HuntMode has moved on to see what comes next, she still exists and can be Loved.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The curser blinks as I wait for the right words to come.
    Over the last week I had a bunch of coincidences come together that are not coincidences at all. And I had a smack my forehead moment. So I’ll send the right words when they come. But know.. You are not alone . And you are LOVED. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Xo

    Liked by 2 people

  9. HMSRaRa,

    Huntie: No, but then, if you do everything with love, you never really leave.

    You and Huntie have the presence to understand the mixture we explore…sometimes blindly. Love is the goop oozing everywhere. Huntie was an accomplished goop wrangler…she got it at it’s thickest and it’s ultra wispiest

    She’s off tumbling in the light stuff for the next little stretch…she’ll never really leave.


    Liked by 3 people

  10. Losing people we love, have a bond with, or even once connected over with a love for the obscure is hard af. (I cannot believe I am using af here, but I try to keep it real without too much obscenity). And it is something that never gets easier. So with that said, I am sorry for your loss and your pain, I only hope it doesn’t diminish your light. ((big hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Dear Sparkly One

    The connections are real. Realler than anything. I’ve made some of them REAL-real and it just confirms what we knew all along – they count. #LoveWins

    Sorry for your sadness and the gone-ness (and not-gone-ness) of your dear friend. I hope all the love will keep going, and I know that her memory, cherished in your heart and in the hearts of all who knew and loved her, will persist and shine out, and bring comfort and inspire more love.

    In the end, it’s everything.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I am so sorry sweet Ra. I did not know of this blog. I will take a look now. I do think we can form real friendships online. I think it happens a lot actually. Of course there will always be predators and haters and we should never throw caution to the wind, but nor should we stop loving, and sharing. 🙂 Hang in there. I wish you love and peace during your time of loss. It seems you have had more than your share lately. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  13. My heart goes out to you and everyone who knew Huntie, even though I did not. And know that no one is ever really gone. The Universe is endless and eternal. We are not just individual parts of a whole; we are that whole. We are the Universe, and we are all always together.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Love is one of the divine gifts that makes us specifically human. It has several forms of expression (romantic, platonic, etc.). We can choose to love all human beings and if we do, that will recreate happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. It’s always sad to hear of someone precious to us passing, but comforting too knowing you had that love and it’s timeless and endless.
    Whoever said one can not love someone on the internet because you’ve never ‘met’ obviously hasn’t met someone who touched their hearts. A person doesn’t have to be standing right next to you, or even down the block. The internet is full of wonderful people with good hearts and souls. I’ve met my fair share and love my friends on here. Love does not need tangibles to love. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’ve started to lose count of the number of times that I’ve learned that someone who used to be part of my social circles passed away just by flitting through links on Facebook. It’s tragic and cruel. I didn’t know Huntie, but she seems like a decent soul. And any friend of yours, Rara… well, you know the rest.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Some of us realize on a deep ‘spiritual’ (for lack of a better word) level, that we are all connected. That we all share something deeply profound. For these people, it is easy to love everyone. You are one if these people Ra.



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