my fault

It’s my fault.
I walked under that open ladder.

It’s my fault.
I broke that mirror in the 7th grade.  I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk,
I made the cracks that others have stepped on.

It’s my fault.
I didn’t forward that email.
Years later, I chose not to share that post.

It’s my fault.
I work for a man who opens umbrellas inside.

Years before, I worked for a man who sent me to prison.

It’s my fault,
and I never claimed it wasn’t,

and if you’re really really lucky,
maybe your life
can be all your fault, too.

It’s my fault.
I married a handsome man who loved me, a man who I loved,
a good man.

It’s my fault,
I got all A’s in classrooms, but then went to prison
and got a C in firefighting.

It’s my fault.
I questioned God.
I questioned Science.
I questioned
my own
heart,

my own
history.

It’s my fault.
I wore white to my wedding.
I wore blue to his funeral.
I wrote in a book.
I wrote a book.

I stepped on a crack
and maybe that’s why
I broke my own back.

I stepped on a crack
and maybe surviving it
is why I have a story
at all.

It’s my fault.
I carried a talisman.
I found a four-leaf clover.
I blew out all my candles
with one breath.

It’s my fault.
I mixed my triumphs and disasters in the same bowl.

I never even put the divider between my grocery and yours.
I eat my salad with the same fork as my dessert.

Once, I used the same fork for 6 months straight.
Once, I was given a fork and forbidden a pen…
which makes sense.

I’m far more dangerous with a pen.
Just look what I’ve done with my own story.

Sometimes the ink smears and beloved pages float away.
Sometimes the words come to life in my nightmares and make me scream,
sometimes they stab into my readers and make them cry,
sometimes they make us bleed as mournfully as my pen.

I live my life.
I write my life.
I write.

It’s my own fault,
and if you’re very lucky,
then your life
is your fault, too.

25 thoughts on “my fault

  1. “Sometimes the ink smears and beloved pages float away.
    Sometimes the words come to life in my nightmares and make me scream,
    sometimes they stab into my readers and make them cry,
    sometimes they make us bleed as mournfully as my pen.”- You’re loved! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for sharing this with us, I love it. This is my favorite part:

    “It’s my fault.
    I mixed my triumphs and disasters in the same bowl.”

    And I am very sure my life is my fault too.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Reblogged this on Living, Learning and Letting Go and commented:
    Rara is an incredibly creative writer, author, and poet. She spreads love and wisdom with every blog-post. She also models being accountable for her thoughts, words, actions and attitudes. I encourage you to read her most recent poem, and to explore her blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s totally our fault if we live meaningful and love enriched lives, just like you. There are decisions and consequences. We are the architects of our own actions and have to take ownership of our choices, even if their outcomes turn from glory to tragedy within the blink of an eye, which was of course not our original intent but life can often kick you in the teeth without warning.

    We are only human and it is only human to want to own our faults and perceived mistakes, along with blaming ourselves for many things that our simply beyond our control. Your story and journey is filled with sadness and regret, yet it is also filled with undeniable courage and hope. It’s all of our fault but somehow that makes it all right. Our choices have lead us up to this point and it is up to us to continue to support one another, especially when life chooses to play unfair.

    A wonderful poem that really sums up your very resilient nature to me and clearly shows that you are noble, true, decent and an excellent poet to complement all of your other writing hats.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. At first I didn’t like the repetition of “it’s my fault” but then it grows on you as the words and meaning developed. Then I came to love it’s my fault that I am the way I am and I love you and I love myself too! xoxo ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I sometimes wonder if it’s all my fault, in other words I’m responsible for all that I do, and all that happens to me (as a mirror of my beliefs and expectations), or if I’m just being done by the great Mystery. I mostly think both are true at the same time.
    Alison xox

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It is my fault
    It is still raining
    I washed the car
    I killed a spider
    I’m learning to forgive myself.
    I am enough
    I am not perfect.
    I am good enough.
    I am human.
    I am loved.
    I am learning to love myself.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Oh girl you done did it… Again!! You just you.
    Love the line about the fork and the pen. You are SO very dangerous with a pen. So am I!!!
    It’s my fault that the world is a bit softer around the edges. It’s my fault that I created a vocabulary all my own. It’s my fault that I flipped it right round and wrote my whole story….a new. And I take complete responsibility for healing history back to Eve.
    Juju

    Liked by 1 person

  9. A long, long time ago, I came to your blog, and it inspired me. Your site was my favorite. You actually helped me out a great deal, though you might not remember I’ve been away from blogging for a long time, and just recently made it a goal to start writing again consistently. I came here with hopes to be as inspired as I was all that time ago, and you didn’t disappoint. A wonderful poem from a wonderful writer. Thank you for still being here.

    Liked by 1 person

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