loading

I’ve been waiting for her to come home, pressing my face to the window, skipping meals as I fill up on all the ticks and tocks of time. I smudge the glass to stare past it, the vision too blurred to see, but I think seeing is unnecessary in this case. I will know her. I knew her so very well.

I’ve been waiting for her to come home, letting my hair grow out. The cells are dead but they remember the waiting, so I let them flow, keeping them tucked to me. I want to cut the locks that hold in this year of time.

I am not waiting any longer.

The window is clean now and I see now that there’s no way she’d ever walk up that path again. There is no path. There is no she.

But then, nothing is ever created or destroyed. There is nothing new under the sun.

The path that was once, is now another. A stone from it may line a fountain, or lay in a fountain, or maybe it shattered into a million thousand droplets of water and now it is the fountain itself.

Parts of her are still here, too.

She left a note in a movie theater bathroom last week. On the outside of a blank card, she wrote “Spoilers, Darling”. On the inside, she wrote “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

She found an x on the sidewalk and decided it meant something important. She took a picture.

Moments that matter to no one but me. #clicksave

A post shared by My name is Ra. (@rawra.avis) on

She laughed so loudly at a restaurant that heads turned.

She made a sun set. She became a tiger. She stayed a dinosaur.

In a way, she is like the path, shattered into a thousand different possibilities that only seem the same to one who is waiting.

But as she was, she is no longer.

She’s not coming home,

and I
am
not
waiting
any
longer.

___________________

Hold onto yer blog horsies, Monday is going to bring about some massive changes around these here parts. Massive to me, probably negligible to most of you since you probably read me through a reader.

Wait… DO you read me through a reader?

I’ll be sitting down with my graphic designer friend to explain blog parameters to him while getting feedback about the visuals– would that be something y’all would be interested in seeing the notes from? I could even do it on Facebook Live maybe, so you could hear the thought processes in action?

32 thoughts on “loading

  1. This is a very powerful post. Waiting no more. Really makes me think about my life. πŸ™‚

    Yes do a live video! It would be the coolest. I love design process! And I actually read on your blog proper. So new changes on Monday, exciting! πŸ˜€ ❀ Gosh I can't wait! It'll be like Christmas morning. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’ll be Tuesday morning before it looks nice, ha, but I’m hoping JP and I will at least get the feels right by Monday night. I’m stupidly excited for it to match me again. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I mean if you are, hope it’s because success is knocking on your door, then by all means…. Go my child… GOOOO!!!! WE LOVE YOU AND WISH YOU THE BEST.

    that’s if you are no longer writing on wordpress.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no, no, as long as I’m writing online, it’ll be with WordPress. They’ve been good to me, as a company, culture, and community. πŸ™‚ This is just about making some changes, probably even getting rid of the Rarasaur logo– just lots of stuff that I kept waiting to feel normal about again. I’m a different sort of person after the last few years, though, and I’m hoping for a design that reflects that better. Thank you for your kindness and wishes. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awe!!!! You’re welcome. And thank you for making us part of your self discovery while watching you grow. It’s a beautiful thing! Change is good πŸ‘Œthe transition part is where it gets a bit challenging. But post as you go, then read back to see for your self how far you have come. I’ll be here being your cheerleader.

        YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! βœŠπŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ™ŒπŸ™ŒπŸ™ŒπŸ™ŒπŸ™ŒπŸ™ŒπŸ™‹πŸ™‹πŸ™‹πŸ™‹πŸ™†πŸ™†πŸ™†πŸ™†πŸ™†πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ😁😁😁😁😁😁

        Liked by 1 person

  3. First thought, the song: “Ch ch ch changes.”
    Second thought, from Shawshank, slightly modified: get busy living, or get busy living.
    Third thought, I read either through the WordPress app or through a browser. I’ve never used a reader.
    Fourth thought, I’m excited to see what you come up with next.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I don’t think I’ve ever read one of your posts in the Reader…. because I don’t use the reader much. I occasionally read them on email-like now-but most often I go directly to your blog. I look forward to seeing what your new blog design looks like!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I enjoyed how you incorporated the pictures that you took before and spliced them into the piece. The stream of consciousness made me think of the Stereophonics lyric “Hurry up and wait but what’s worth waiting for?” Changing things up can feel terrifying but ultimately necessary if we are to allow ourselves to evolve and gain new experiences that would be denied to us if we stayed stuck in a rut. I look forward to how your website changes, as I am sure anything that you alter will be for the better of both you and the reader. We’ll all still be here reading and cheering you on πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m mostly using the second tab on the WordPress app on my phone – not sure if that’s the reader tab or the discover tab. Whatever the name, I don’t get to see the Instagram pictures which I am sure are absolutely adorable/cute or very poignant. I do read. Sometimes I do show up at the window, and if I don’t, I’m happy you don’t wait. ( This post was for me right πŸ˜‰ )

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oooh changes….excitement bubbles over πŸ™‚ I always read your posts from your actual blog because reading from my reader seems…oh, I don’t know…impersonal?
    ❀ ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Back and forth between a Reader (not the WP reader) and email, and I’m about a month behind, yikes!

    Can’t wait to see what new skin you’ve designed, sweetie. I’m sure it will be frightfully ultrepic, just like yourself.

    Nope, no more waiting for one to come home who can’t come home anymore. Time to make a new home. EGBO. ❀

    *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Psst! I’m back (I hesitantly exclaim) lol. I missed your words πŸ™‚ I’m glad to be back. This time with no stress, this time without pushing myself to ensure each and every blog is read…but taking my time..enjoying the words of my friends.. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Regarding your question near the end- I do read you in a reader (Feedly, and ByLine on iOS, but I often click through to your WordPress page because sometimes things are lost and do not show up in the reader. For example, I couldn’t see your Instagram includes on Feedly for this one, so I had to click through.

    Also, I can’t comment unless I come over here, so that’s another reason I wind up here despite the reader.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Reblogged this on Suz's Place and commented:
    My friend Ra is AMAZING!!!!! I hope someday I’m as brave and imaginative as she is……….She blows me away with every blog of hers I read, and inspires me, not only with her creativity, but with her strength, and her generous heart as well. She GIVES, so much, with every word she writes. I often wonder if she realizes what a gift she, herself, truly is? I do, and I just adore her ❀

    Liked by 1 person

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