my name is ra.

just like you 

Not all nuance fits in a story.  I could write a thousand journals and never mention that I mispronounce words more often than not.   I learned them in a book,  probably, or from someone who speaks English as if it is made from the alphabet they were raised to sing.  In their childhood, sand sometimes folds over the horizon without ever reaching an ocean.  Statues of Gods are so tall that you’d have to climb a mountain to look one in the eyes.   In their childhood, you can trip over a vase made 5 generations ago, or dance in a building built hundreds of years before the ground of my county ever knew we would name it some day.   In their childhood,  alphabet letters have dots and waves.  Some of their letters are ten of ours, some of our letters make sounds I cannot hear.  I learned my words from them, and from books,  and you’d hear it in how I often mispronounce my words, if we were having coffee.

You’d see my nail polish,  how I paint it all over my fingers.   You’d see the layers upon layers I wear,  and how I take them off and put them on with a distracted regularity.  You’d hear me be bossy.

You’d hear my laugh, how it either sounds like “ha!”, or how it rolls in like thunder made of confetti and fireworks.

My eye contact varies.  Sometimes  I’ll look you directly in the eyes and stare you down as you talk.  I’m trying to read your eyes.  I’m more of a reader than a listener,  you see,  but I try.   Sometimes you’ll wonder what I’m looking at,  but the answer is nothing,  and everything.  

I’ll cough, a lot, and I’ll apologize for it.  I’ll interrupt you, and then repeat your last sentence to you ten minutes later, asking you to continue a thought.  I’ll reach into my bag and pull out once strange thing,  or two,  or three, and you’ll wonder if I packed the bag for you or just in case. 

Just in case, of course. 

You might ask me what I want to do,  and you’ll hear no answer, or twenty.  I drink my coffee cold, hot, black, sweetened, however you’re having it.   Whatever is easiest.  You’ll see my shift in my seat, until you’re tempted to ask if I’m okay, but I am.  I’d tell you if I wasn’t, like a toddler– blunt and abrupt.  I’ll apologize after, but I apologize so much you might not hear it. 

And sometimes you might not hear me at all.   My voice hits pitches that sound like whispers, but you’ll hear me when I want to do something.   “Let’s go, let’s go,  let’s go,”  sounds cute on paper, but it’s a lot more terrifying in person.   It’s harder to avoid me when something is stuck in my head and you’re sitting within a reasonable distance.

Which is why you’ll take a picture with me,  or let me take a picture of something that represents you to me.  I’ll ask, and if it doesnt work, I’ll plead, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll get outrageous.

And this is usually the point that you’ll look at me and say, “You’re exactly how I thought you’d be.”  And I’ll wonder how that can be when I never told you all the strange and irritating little quirks that make up my very human reality.  I’ll wonder if you imagine my real voice when I write– reading fluidly and then in stacatto, and then in a low rumble, and then with a blankness that makes me sound like a robot, and then with so much emotion that my eyes fill with rain and my laughter storms.  I wonder if you feel like you’ve known me a long time,  or if you feel like we just met. 

I wonder, and I’ll ask, but first I’ll let you sip your coffee and pick the picture we should post.  I might forget until you mention tornadoes, and then I’ll interrupt you to ask,  but don’t worry, I’ll remember where we left off.

And if we need to put some more tea on, or get another coffee, then so be it.   We have time. 

Together again! #Presser #blokin #howIBlog #tutuConvention

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With Deb from The Monster in your Closet!! SO MUCH LOVE. #rawrLove #howIBlog #Presser #Blokin #tutuConvention

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Coffee with @billfriday ! #Blokin #howIblog #presser #BillFridayWasHere #andSoWasI #RawrLove

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Me & Diamond Mike! #InternationalDinner #BestBossEver #ManInThePurpleTie

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It's @ka_malana!!! #BirthdayParty #Blokin #tutuConvention

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#BillFridayWasHere and so was I. And @matticusdj was there to prove it. #Blokin #tutuConvention

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At the #BirthdayParty with @ka_malana. #HowWeBlog ! Photo by @wolfatheart77 . #laterGram #tutuConvention

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At the #BirthdayParty with the fiery @firewaves21 . Photo by @wolfatheart77 . #laterGram #tutuConvention

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The beautiful Arden is in Long Beach and I got to meet her!! #TeamYeahWrite #blokin #HowIBlog #tutuConvention

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It's us! @alwaysericajane & me! Hurrah! #IFeelLikeAnExclamationMark

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Confetti!! @the_ericaj aka @alwaysericajane aka E. #HowIGrownUp #tutuConvention

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Erica next to ghost Rara. #blokin #blogsisters #rawrLove #tutuConvention

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Oh. Just hanging out! #blokin #tutuConvention

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@alwaysericajane and Rara! Spiritual garden adventures! #tutuConvention

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Blokin do the beach. #BlogSisters #BasicallyTwins #tutuConvention

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This happened. Life is good. @matticusdj @the_deef @antoniusrex #Blokin #tutuConvention

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She's real, and I'm in love. With @dailebree !!! #DBKinLA #tutuConvention

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@matticusdj and I talked to the world today. #facebookLive #screenshot #tutuConvention

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Not to brag but I'm eating tacos with @aao83. Just kidding. I'm totally bragging. #tutuConvention

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Me, Diamond Mike, and Abbie! Unofficial blog conference! #blokin #allsmiles #tutuConvention #ManInThePurpleTie

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Coffee with @dianneebejer !! Oh gosh, she's hilarious and lovely and vibrant. #blokin #howIBlog #tutuConvention

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When you're all basically dinosaurs…. #rawrLove #tutuConvention

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#blogHerGO. I found @that_shameless_hussy ! #blogher16 #BlogStrong #tutuConvention

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I found @kittomalley ! #blogHerGO #blogher16 #blokin #tutuConvention

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#blogHerGO I found @hastywords ! #blogher16 #love #blokin #tutuConvention

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#sacknasty reached Hasty! #BecauseImGoingToMakeAMap #probably #tutuConvention

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#blogHerGO I found @gunmetalgeisha ! #BlogStrong #tutuConvention

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I found @roshniaamom ! Representing #1000Speak like a bawse. #blogher16 #blogHerGO #tutuConvention

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We don't need no stinkin' filters. @thesarahfader is stunning! #blogHerGO #blogher16 #tutuConvention

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#blogHerGO I found @singingfool ! #blogher16 #tutuConvention

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And this happened. Nathan wanted my book! #ahhhhh #sacknasty #becauseFriends #tutuConvention

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Out and about with @antoniusrex #WeAreTooDarkForSelfies #blokin

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27 comments

  1. I love you sweet Ra. What a wonderful treat all these happy smiling faces. I love love love the photos of everyone and the one of you and I made my heart smile. You are magic. I always hear your voice when I read your words. I sure do miss you bunches, and so many others too.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can’t tell you how much I LOVE these pictures. I scrolled and thought “wow, these are great” scrolled some more and thought “I love all those smiling faces and the dinosaur!..perfect!” scrolling along…”I think E should be in these pictures, she would fit right in”…scroll scroll scroll “oh, there she is,,,and again,,,and again..” Those pictures bring back memories of poignant milestones.
    Thanks for sharing, and I hope that one day I can be in one of those pictures!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You’d sound just like I thought you would! Or not. I’m actually pretty terrible at putting a face to a voice (when I just hear a voice), but I bet I’m better at putting a voice to a face. We’ll just have to meet so’s I can find out!

    Your heart, though, that won’t be a stranger to me. Nope, not at all.

    ~C

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love that you met Hasty and Abbie and Renee. Those people make my heart happy. I hope you had lovely times with them ❤

    And LOVE how much you see Mr Jester. He's one of the last Good Men, I think ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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