(d)iluted

In my mind, I have an idea of who I am– a version of myself who could play a regular character in a TV show. Sitcom Ra is consistent. She’s concentrate.

100% Ra. 100% of the time.

Life isn’t a television show, though, and someone walking around at 100% would most likely disrupt the flow of things.

So we dilute.
Five parts individual, one part society.
Ten parts individual, one part society.
One part individual, one part society.

Everyone seems to have a different mixture, and we dissolve into each other flawlessly like a fruit punch.

It is a solution.
I used to be one, too.
I used to blend.

But now I am oil and water, constantly bubbling up against the parts that are not me.

This is a consequence of having been incarcerated, though, I think. Society was distilled from me, then emptied back in.

I feel my dilution.

It affects my sense of everything, even time. It has been fourteen years since I lost my husband. Or three days. It’s been four decades since I left prison, or maybe it was yesterday.

I don’t know if I lost part of myself when I was away, or gained some of myself.

I just know I can see all the spaces where I don’t dissolve. I can feel the layer of something else on me, covering me, suffocating me.

If you shake me hard enough, though, for a split second, I almost mix.

It makes me crave a shaking, and I wonder if I’ve been calling all this turmoil into my life… just to feel concentrate, just to feel whole.

Just to be a solution,
instead of just another problem.

20 Comments

  1. Chaos to feel normal again. Probably deliberate. Maybe not? Maybe more reactive to situations. I don’t know but I hope you can find a more peaceful way to combine yourself back together.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The only hope for it is to embrace the dilution and explore what that feels like. You are whole, even if you sometimes don’t feel it. I think you gained a part of yourself. It’s maybe just that it’s so new, and unexpected that you don’t relate to it, or understand it, or recognise it as yourself. Go exploring 🙂
    Alison ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. ❤ Part of you has been left in the prison…a goodness piece for sure. Part of prison has left with you…a piece that has made you more insightful, loving, compassionate…if that is possible ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Shake, shake, shake.
    Like chocolate, strawberry or vanilla?
    Shake, shake, shake.
    Like the cha-cha and that Cuban motion?
    Shake, shake, shake.
    Like hands in geeting?
    Shake, shake, shake.
    Like with laughter, or anger, or cold?
    Shake, shake, shake…
    And see what comes of it.

    Liked by 6 people

  5. Perhaps you need an emulsifier more than a shaking, to blend those parts of you so you feel whole again, like yourself again. I’d hate for bits to fly off from a too-hard shaking. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I love this post, yet I feel sad about it, because I feel your sadness. HUGS, Rara…

    Somehow, I don’t feel like sharing the link to my D post. This post deserves much respect (not that I am disrespecting your other ones…).

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Yet I wonder how much you have always been oil and water, floating above the emuslification of society, clearer and more able to see. I feel as though you are one who sees the blacks and whites and delineation of greys where so many of us see haze and smudges. More so, through the prism of prison and its unique deliverance of a perspective most of us will never hope to achieve – not because of it, but because of YOU in it.

    You are the solution wherever you go, Ra.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I am absolutely enamored with your depiction. I too feel like an elixer who is ready to battle some of lifes horrible diseases only to be disappointed that i can only be used to cure some…a minute part of them actually and be immune to my own healing properties. I share your complexities as i also went through a whole decade incarcerated but that was decades ago but the stagnant moment inside felt like a lifetime in itself so lifetimes have gone before my eyes in search within and without of the stop sign that will allow me to ginally take the tight turn into destiny…

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Please grace my blogs with your presence as i truly believe in kindred spirits and i see myself always seeking a sensay never truly believing my gibberish makes sense to the rest of society or are we just an island which society is trying to figure out

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Lovely, insightful. You brought to me a tingly sensation through every nerve. I was enamored, stricken with pain and heartfelt joy all at the same instance. You get “it” better than most and being of and not all at the same time. Complex YOUniqueness!

    Liked by 1 person

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