I write a lot about Love, about Justice, about Intuition– about all the essential things that see without seeing.
I think a lot about blind spots, about the way relationships of all sizes fog the windows and leave smudges that hide all manner of warning lights.
I think about how life doesn’t believe in speed limits, and how that causes collision after collision, and how all those little knicks and scrapes give you the confidence to swerve past your old monsters because you can’t even see them through the smashes in your rose-colored glasses.
Blindness is a running theme through my life, and I didn’t think I was afraid of it, but I just realized I am.
My niece was born blind.
I think of Love and Justice and Intuition, and how she was born into good company. I think about my baby sister and her husband, and how she was born into strong arms.
But I also think about the way the light makes my little sister shine like there’s gold in her blood. I think about how the sky is a different kind of blue everywhere you go, and how my late husband used to say that when you die, you get to see your sky again, just for a minute, no matter how far away you are. I think about how eyes fill with silent tears, how they glow with unspoken love, how they jiggle with secret laughter. I think about these things and I am afraid that my niece will never really understand what I mean by any of it. That she’ll never really know how painfully forever blue homesickness is, how overwhelmingly loud stillness and silence can be.
I worry that she’ll spend a lifetime being told that diamonds glitter, and stars glow, and she’ll never see how people walk past those things every day, but no one ever walks past her mother’s smile without admiring the treasure of it.
I’m afraid. Even though it’s ridiculous to be afraid. Even though blindness has been a running theme in my life for so long that you’d think I’d be comfortable sitting alongside it. Even though fear helps no one, and doesn’t tell me where to start, or what to do to help.
I seem to write a lot about fear.