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and yet and so and still

I never know the things I write before I write them, but it’d be a lie to say that I don’t plan for them.   I am a planner, through and through.

Blog posts start in dreams and conversations, and I add sentences to them day by day, nap by nap, until the time comes to write them and the words fly from my fingertips, held back only by the strain in my sinews.  I plan for the things I write, but I don’t know them till they are finished.

That’s when I finally read them. That’s when I finally pull them into my arms and smell the newbaby scent of them.  That’s when I watch them reach out to you, hugging you by the ankles, staining your trousers and yoga pants, drooling their typos all over the floor.

And there are so many typos.

This year, I began a project to turn most of Rarasaur blog into a book, some of the posts to appear in the book in my own handwriting.    I was prepared for the effort of collecting the posts, the difficulty of tweaking them to make sense in a book, and even the pain of handwriting– but I was not prepared for the string of errors that ran wildly through every paragraph.

My words are half-dressed little children covered in cake, mud, glitter and Cheeto dust.  They are often repetitive and constantly asking why.  They are stained and sugar-soaked and always begging for your stories.  They are loved.  They are love.

And yet– and so– and still– at the end of this month, they will have a bit of a time out.  They will stop living here.  They will be deleted.

I’ve been stuck on how to say that.  I’ve been planning and planning but I just didn’t know how the words would come out.  How I could explain it to you.

Everyone I’ve asked says that the words are mine, and I can do with them what I want, but when I think of the stories I’ve built here, I don’t see them standing alone.  I see them hugging themselves tightly to you.  I see them, wide-eyed, reading your comments and growing from the grace of them.

And yet– and so– and still–

it needs to happen.

I’ll be putting it into a book and the book will be for sale, but this isn’t about monetization.  I will be deleting them, not simply moving them to private, but this isn’t about making a grand gesture.  This is a slow, careful, planned catharsis.

This is saving a wild vine by letting it die, and replanting just a branch of it.

I know it will make a mess of things on the internet, but I want to write without two million words chasing me.  I hope that means I will keep writing after– that a fresh Rarasaur blog will give me the space to shake my giant dinosaur tail.  I hope it will mean that this is not my last NanoPoblano, but I don’t know.

I don’t know anything, least of all the face of the things I am making.  All I can do is hope that whatever comes from love continues to be in love, and find itself in love.

And though I know it doesn’t matter, legally or logically, my heart sincerely hopes that you understand, and that you’ll be here to root for the little root that is left standing once all these tangles and vines are chopped away.

I don’t know what’s coming.  I know so little nowadays, but I know this:

Here, in this space, the wind will always sing our song.  You are loved, you are loved, you are loved.  The raindrops will land with thuds and the clouds will float like tutus.  Here, in this space, the soil will always remember the stories you shared, the likes you left, the comments you planted, the unicorns we hid everywhere we could.    The sticky-faced, candy-hyped words of the past will frolic in a book.  And there will be something new here, growing.

Something that I hope we can get to know together.

43 thoughts on “and yet and so and still”

  2. Thud, Ra, so much Thud. This made me cry. I’m trying not to think of this as the end of something, but more the beginning of something even more magical, but still the tears flow. I do understand and support you though. You are loved, Ra. ❤️🐊

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    1. Thank you, Charlene. I’ve struggled with what to do with this space so much since coming home. I almost deleted it all once. I set it to private twice. I’ve started two new blogs hoping I’d want to write there. But there’s this whole conflict thing that goes on in my head. I am still Rarasaur, but I am not THAT Rarasaur. I hope this will give me the space I need to blog ferociously again. 🙂 Thank you for the thuds and love. ❤

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      1. I understand. I’ve almost walked away forever from my blog a few times over the last 5 years and have been going back and forth over whether or not to delete some old posts that I wrote when it was still an anonymous blog. Things have changed so much since then, but I my blog still gets a good amount of traffic to those posts, so I’m leaving them up for now in case they are still helpful to people.
        I’ve given myself permission to become a different style of blogger than I used to be as well, or perhaps I should say allow myself to not limit the sort of content that can be found on my blog. Part of the reason I almost stopped blogging was because I felt I had to be the same sort of blogger I was 5 years ago, but people grow and change and blogs should be allowed to do so as well.
        And if they outgrow one home, like yours has, they should move on to the bigger and better things that they deserve. ❤️

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    1. Thanks, Amy! It’s hard to believe how much frightfully wondrous stuff has happened here in 5 years, 🙂 I’m sure I had no idea what was to come when I wrote that tagline, haha! I appreciate your good wishes very much. *hugs*

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  4. Well, good for you! I hardly have had time to get to know you, but your openness drew me in right away. And maybe that’s why my gut reaction to your post is a resounding, Yes, move on, dear, let us go, because you won’t be letting us go, we will all probably buy your book and keep you close that way.

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    1. Thank you, Lori. I really feel like this space will fill up quite quickly again, even after all the old stuff is gone. My late husband used to say that people tear down empires just to rebuild them in the same image, and that’s probably exactly what’s going to happen here (even if “empire” is a bit grandiose for these here stompin’ grounds)… I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see. 🙂

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  7. I take solace in the last line, “Something that I hope we can get to know together.” So far is it is together I will be down with it, but even if that doesn’t end up being the case I’ll always be supportive of your journey.

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  9. Everything is going to be great. Yeah, the internet will break down and there will be millions of 404s but as long as we know where to find you, you the world will be okay 🙂 Wish you a ton of good luck for the book, and whatever it is that you have planned and whatever it is that is yet to unfold before us!

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  10. You’re kind of wiping the slate clean. Not quite to start again, because we can’t actually do that, but so that you can write more words.

    After all, when the blackboard is full, you have to clean it before you can continue with the class, right?

    Xxxxx Thudthudthudthudthud ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

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  14. These words have led interesting little lives connecting people from around the world. Which have led to more words and more connections. And more and more and more. It is quite the impressive army marching behind the original words all shouting the same message of love. They are their own sustainable force now….
    They will be fine.
    You will be fine.
    And just imagine the adventures your next words will have… the connections they will make…. the message they will share. Whatever that ends up being, at the heart it will be the same: love.

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  21. I confess. I’m not good with change. Even positive change. Even cathartic change. Especially when it feels like I’m losing something.

    But this isn’t about me. And there’ll be this book. And I panic-read your post because I read words like ‘delete’ so I might of overlooked words like ‘new’ and ‘growing’.

    What ever you do, Ra, it’ll be magic. I’m with you. Thud. xx

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  23. You should absolutely do with this space as you see fit. It’s yours, and your open-door policy has meant we’ve had the lovely privilege of sharing it with you.

    You should be proud of what you’ve done with Rarasaur Blog so far and the lovely community you’ve fostered around it. Your words brought you into my life and made me the person I am today. You mean more to me than you will ever know❤️

    That you want to take your space in a new direction is not an ending and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it; it’s a new beginning and i’m so excited for it. I’m sure more stories will follow and many many more Poblanos.

    I am glad though that you have plans to give your old stories a new home, and all the more so that that home (book) might be publicly available. It’s a beautiful idea. But no pressure.

    P.S. I *love* the blue dinosaur! It’s been my desktop wallpaper since you first shared them with us x

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  24. You know I get this. My blog was my therapy, it just happened to be people found it. Then it became where I made some awesome friends that I will have forever…and met others I never should have trusted. I struggled with what to do when it was too much to see where people had changed over time in response (or lack of) to my words, but I finally just deleted everything. I miss some of the fun posts I had, and the interaction, but I interact with those who I trust elsewhere now. It was freeing and every day further from that blog name is a step. I may come back one day but it will be a different blog vs recreating the past. The past hasn’t been kind, so why try?

    Enough about me LOL… Now you will have a way to look back on your words and in a medium that is best for looking back and thinking, which is genuinely “you” . Hugs as always, chica 💜

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  25. I don’t write as well as you. I don’t tell stories the way you do. But, I had another blog on here once. It was the “old” me stories. Old me rants and a lot of “old me” stuff. I prettied it up and doing all that stuff when my sister told me…start fresh. Don’t bring the old energies with you. Start a new blog. And that’s what I did! So, if you need to, deleted it…but keep some of the words, because your words are exceptional. Then, yes..start afresh. It’s never really leaving the “old” behind..not really. It’s more of, being a “new” you that has taken the best from the old, dissolved the worst from the old..and made something new out of all that. If that makes any sense?

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  26. I love that you are going to do something new, it will be a shame to see your blog posts go completely. But I will definitely await the book to enjoy your writing still. Good Luck, remain healthy and I hope that Happiness finds you and stays. x

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  27. You are not the history of your words. I root for the new story, the rebirth after catharsis. I’m glad that I had the opportunity to get to know you through the first draft of your blogging life, but I’m optimistic as you prepare for deletion in your new course.

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  29. Cleaning out my closet here too, love to make room for Snapping Turtle. Sometimes we have to burn it all to the ground to start fresh. But you’ve still got the seeds & you will re-plant them. ❤
    I know you. *squeeze*

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  30. You can do it, sweetie. Sometimes, a fresh start is just needed. I did it a few years ago by starting a new blog. You can do that, or you can keep Rarasaur – those of us who love you will still be there, loving you through all of it, no matter which path you decide to walk on..

    Sometimes plants just outgrow their pots, and need a fresh pot to continue their growth. It’s going to be okay. I promise.

    ❤ *hugs*

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  31. Pingback: anniversaries and new years – rarasaur

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