I feel fat today.
It seems a silly thing to say for anyone who has met me or seen pictures.
I am not a small girl. My thighs are almost certainly wider than your face, even when I’m at my lowest weight. Where I am right now has become my new peak weight. I’ve weighed more– much more– but that was years ago, before I gave up sugar.
I eat sugar and carbs again now. There were so many flavors I missed while incarcerated and I wanted to try it all again. There was so much I didn’t eat because Dave couldn’t, or because Dave wouldn’t– I wanted to know how I felt about it.
That was the original excuse and it made sense at the time, but since then I’ve just fallen into the habit of carbohydrates. They’re easy to stockpile and order from drive thrus. They’re available in office kitchens and community events. They’re made by grandmothers and served on Thanksgiving tables.
Ah, carbohydrates. They dimple my legs, they roll my stomach, they fill up my arms. I also did enough research back in the day that I know they’re not good for me. Not for those silly aesthetic reasons, but for other reasons that I don’t have the energy to go into. Reasons I used to write about, because it meant something to me.
Giving up carbohydrates was my plan to keep Dave alive forever. It didn’t work.
It’s been hard to justify not just throwing out the whole plan, reasonable or not. It’s a weird leftover from a life that no longer exists, like asking the diner to pack bits of leftover pizza crust in a to-go box.
To go where? To tomorrow?
Tomorrow is just another day where the choices we make may not bring the results we seek. Just like today.
Today is November 14th. World Diabetes Day.
And I can’t help but think that maybe someone needs to say something about it. I feel fat today. Tired. Unhappy with myself.
I look down and see my thighs, too wide to fit into about half of the clothes in my wardrobe. I think about about the sugar I ate today, and how it melted on my tongue, how it filled me up and filled me out, dimpling my smiles, dimpling my thighs. I think about how hard it would be to give it all up even if it would make me magically look the way I want to look. I think about how hard it was to make constant adjustments to accommodate a home that protected Dave’s dietary restrictions. And I think about how…
I’d give it all up, all over again. For one more day, for one more second.
Giving up sugar didn’t save Dave, but it bought us years together, years that we didn’t have to fill with the ramifications of the physical ravages of diabetes. It was all worth it because I love him.
So on behalf of those who love you– myself included– consider this a reminder.
Today is World Diabetes Day. Get yourself tested. Take your tests seriously. Take yourself seriously.
Do whatever you have to do so you can keep on dancing with your Miracles, whoever they are.
You are important.
You are loved.
Afterthought link: Post written by Dave about being diabetic.