lows and highs

I feel fat today.

It seems a silly thing to say for anyone who has met me or seen pictures.

I am not a small girl. My thighs are almost certainly wider than your face, even when I’m at my lowest weight. Where I am right now has become my new peak weight.  I’ve weighed more– much more– but that was years ago, before I gave up sugar.

I eat sugar and carbs again now.  There were so many flavors I missed while incarcerated and I wanted to try it all again.  There was so much I didn’t eat because Dave couldn’t, or because Dave wouldn’t– I wanted to know how I felt about it.

That was the original excuse and it made sense at the time, but since then I’ve just fallen into the habit of carbohydrates.  They’re easy to stockpile and order from drive thrus.  They’re available in office kitchens and community events.  They’re made by grandmothers and served on Thanksgiving tables.

Ah, carbohydrates.  They dimple my legs, they roll my stomach, they fill up my arms.  I also did enough research back in the day that I know they’re not good for me.  Not for those silly aesthetic reasons, but for other reasons that I don’t have the energy to go into.  Reasons I used to write about, because it meant something to me.

Giving up carbohydrates was my plan to keep Dave alive forever.  It didn’t work.

It’s been hard to justify not just throwing out the whole plan, reasonable or not.  It’s a weird leftover from a life that no longer exists, like asking the diner to pack bits of leftover pizza crust in a to-go box.

To go where? To tomorrow?

Tomorrow is just another day where the choices we make may not bring the results we seek.  Just like today.

Picture shows Dave with my oldest niece– my Miracle Niece.  We used to have to give him insulin injections, before we managed to get his diabetes under a semblance of control.  Needles often made him queasy, but he’d close his eyes and jab himself in the thigh with the mantra: “So I can dance at her wedding”.   He died when she was still just 13 years old.

Today is November 14th.   World Diabetes Day.

And I can’t help but think that maybe someone needs to say something about it.  I feel fat today.  Tired.  Unhappy with myself.

I look down and see my thighs, too wide to fit into about half of the clothes in my wardrobe.  I think about about the sugar I ate today, and how it melted on my tongue, how it filled me up and filled me out, dimpling my smiles, dimpling my thighs.  I think about how hard it would be to give it all up even if it would make me magically look the way I want to look.  I think about how hard it was to make constant adjustments to accommodate a home that protected Dave’s dietary restrictions.  And I think about how…

I’d give it all up, all over again.  For one more day, for one more second.

Giving up sugar didn’t save Dave, but it bought us years together, years that we didn’t have to fill with the ramifications of the physical ravages of diabetes.   It was all worth it because I love him.

So on behalf of those who love you– myself included– consider this a reminder.

Today is World Diabetes Day. Get yourself tested. Take your tests seriously.  Take yourself seriously.

Do whatever you have to do so you can keep on dancing with your Miracles, whoever they are.

You are important.

You are loved.



Afterthought link: Post written by Dave about being diabetic.


  1. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been feeling fat for the last 30 something years…it’s half joke, half serious. Lifestyle choices definitely need to be made on my part.
    P.S. Wish you had one more second with Dave too…(said with tears in my eyes for you). You are love, and loved.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’d like to think that the people who really matter don’t think about how much we weigh, but rather how much metaphorical-stuff we can carry. Because let’s face it. We’re metaphorically buff. 😀

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re right! If they could only see the metaphorical six pack and muscles we have, they’d all be jealous.
        Joking aside, I was so close to writing a “I feel fat” poem today where I was going to make fun of myself because how often do guys admit that they feel bloated…haha

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Metaphorically buff is a nice expression. I may use that when other friends are stressing about their weight.

    I wish you nothing but well in the unfortunate journey you have been forced to undertake. I guess you already knew that, but I thought I’d make it clear.


  3. I have this plan to get myself for a health check up, it remains in my to-do list. Same goes to my “I have to get down to 48kg” plan. Procastination gets me all the time. End of your post gives me a friendly reminder to do what I have to do. And for that, I have to thank you.


  4. I just wrote a whole heap, and deleted it. I don’t know what to say, but I want to say something. I fear being ignorant. So this is all I write. This, and ‘you are loved back’. Thud.


  5. Hi ra dear. I’m on limited connection because hurricane Maria stripped us of… well, it stripped us, and I haven’t been able to keep up with things, but I read this. Thank you because so many people need this.
    Also, I wrote this and while I was writing it, I thought of you. I thought of many things, but you came up in a brain tab at some point and, I just wanted you to know, I guess.

    Send you lots of hugs.


  6. You could do a temporary fast from most carbohydrates, no need to swear them off forever, and then see how you feel. I would keep the grandmother ones. 🙂


  7. Thank you for writing and sharing this❤️

    It’s so easy to become complacent when it comes to our diet and the problems we can face further down the line Diet has a big impact on diabetes but it’s not talked about nearly enough. I got myself tested when my dad was first diagnosed but that was years ago now.

    I’ve found changing to my new diet much easier than expected but there are also so many social norms that would make it ‘okay’ to just reach for the junk food, never mind the meat. I’m eating a lot healthier than I was though. I still want to lose some weight – I am self conscious in all honesty – but for me rather than anyone else.


  8. Dave went far, far too soon. But he’s still in your heart, and in some of our hearts too.

    The problem with carbs is that while we know they’re evil, they just taste soooooo nice. I’m sure crack-cocaine is less addictive. 😉 Plus, chocolate.

    I love you, Ra, regardless of how you look and what you eat. Xxxx


  9. Everything in moderation, Ra. Some carbs are necessary to maintaining a healthy body; it’s knowing the line between enough and way too much that most of us have problems with.


  10. We recently found out through a test that my mom has diabetes. It saddens me to see her avoiding the food and snacks she love eating. Still, I understand that it’s for the best.
    Keep on! 🙂


  11. This was so beautiful. I’m so sorry you lost Dave. I swear I’m going to become diabetic. I don’t eat well, either… We all have our struggles, and it’s hard to know that how we look does not determine who we are or our worth in this superficial world. But you ARE beautiful just the way you are, and so was Dave. So sorry he’s not here to tell you that, too. ❤️


  12. I sincerely wish you could have had more time with Dave. People should think more seriously about their health and consider their dietary choices because it could catch up with them eventually. I guess it’s easy for me to say this, yet there can be other physical and emotional factors at play that influence people’s choices. All we can do is take heed of warnings and try to keep ourselves in the best health possible. Those are wonderful pics of Dave with your niece, it is a very nice reminder of him and how effortlessly he could bring the joyful smiles out of people.



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