May 23, 2015
The water bottle is crinkling. Around it, conversation is soft, muted, somber– but there’s no volume control on plastic. I turn to look at the small hands holding it. He’s balanced in his mom’s arms, joyfully squeezing sounds out of the bottle. I smile at his mom, and then I make eye contact and smile at the little one.
He grins, looks back for a solid second to make sure I am watching, and then throws the bottle on the ground with the triumph of a touchdown.
His mom starts to pick it up, shifting his perch to her hip so she can navigate, but I wave to her to stop. I bend down quickly to grab it, faster without a child in hand– and she smiles, apologetic.
I smile at her, then look at the little one for a solid second, reaching my hand out as if to give him back the bottle. Then, when I am sure I have his attention, I slam it to the ground.
Touchdown.
His mom’s eyes are shocked, then amused. His eyes are completely baffled until the humor sets in, and then we laugh. All three of us.
My laugh is the kind you can feel squeeze itself out of your heart. The kind that you wouldn’t be able to suppress anywhere. The sun is shining bright and it is warm, and I think that this might just be a perfect moment– a perfect representation of the person I am and my place among those I love.
It is a joyous two minutes.
And then my husband’s funeral reception continues.
______________________
March 4, 2018
My phone makes a particular sound when my family calls. It woke me up this morning, and entered me into a video chat with seven different feeds.
Today, as usual, my family is scattered throughout the country. We’re meeting through this clunky medium because there’s things that need to be worked through. We’re trying to make some decisions as a group.
We talk a little bit about letting go. Sometimes you can hear my parents in our voices– a cross between Mamasaur’s new age soothing and my dad’s academic matter-of-facting.
Here’s how to let go and embrace the new shape of us; item A….
Perhaps closure is something we can lend to one another; see page 4.
We get distracted, we always do. Apparently there’s feral hogs in Texas that are causing quite a stir. Koala moms feed their babies their own poop.
Bananas are berries, I add to our factoids, but my brother hears that “Pandas are fairies”, and he gently reminds me that it doesn’t count as fact. Everyone else has heard this, too, and thinks it’s completely normal that I might think that pandas are fairies.
I laugh. It’s the sort of laugh that bubbles up from your core. The sort that sounds rusty like maybe your body is a wand and you haven’t cared for it as well as you could have. The sort that sounds like who you were yesterday. This is a perfect moment. A moment that reminds me of my place in things, and who I have always been.
The laughter pulls us calmly back into the conversation like a warm wave.
We decide to scatter my dad’s ashes in the ocean.
rarasaur 
My heart goes out to you, my friend.
I wish I had the words to ease your pain, but fortunately, you seem to grow stronger with every loss.
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Very real, authentic. This is who you are, who we are. We feel it amidst the pain, the grief, the goodbyes we have to endure throughout our lives. Deep inside you are still you, I am still me. We still are. It’s sweet to discover it in the small stuff.
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Beautiful, genuine post. I’m so sorry for your losses and I’m so glad you have such a wonderful family to support you 🙂
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Wonderful. I’m following, please follow too.
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❤️
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Thud, of course.
And, you know, pandas very well could be faeries. Why not. That sounds more plausible than the banana berry thing.
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I read they’re secretly really big herbs. Like, the biggest ever herbs. According to my SA friend, they even go well on pizza!!
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You are loved
Endlessly.
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(((Hugs))) Ra. I send my love to you and your family.
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Hugs and love always….
Di
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Huge hugs. I’m pleased you can laugh in the midst of all these life events. My 3 siblings and I had to deal with some of that w/our parents. It’s hard. But laughter makes it more bearable somehow.
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Sending love and hugs. I am so sorry.
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In sympathy and in joy, thinking of you.
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So sorry for your loss Ra. May you find the strength you need. Sending sympathy and love.
Aliso
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Thud. ❤
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And are you sure pandas aren’t fairies? They are pretty odd creatures, might explain some of that…
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Wishing you all the best wishes. XOXO
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So very sorry for your loss. Your family are more important than ever right now. Take care
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And we have both because we have love. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
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Now I believe pandas are fairies too. Oh and how to score a touchdown with a baby. I’m sorry for your loss. xo
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I’m so sorry to see this, Ra.
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Laughter is always good medicine. It helps to ease the pain. May you have more times of laughter. Blessings.
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is this a real story? if so, sorry for your loss.
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Yes, I only write stories about my life. Thank you for your condolences.
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You’re welcome. I have had several losses in my life as well. I enjoy your writing immensely.
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I think panda very well could be fairies. They can fly with heart-shaped balloons after all…
😉
💓
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My solar plexus is complaining. He says two punch lines in a single post is a bit much. He admires your technique, however. 😊
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As always, I offer you many {{hugs}}. You have had more than your fair share of loss, and you have my largest fluffiest condolences for your loss.
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Your blog has been nominated for an award. Congratulations!
https://thisdoorisalarmed.wordpress.com/2018/03/28/liebster-award
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Just discovered your blog and already in love with it.
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