a great fall

My consciousness yo-yos, sinks to the ground in exhaustion, then whips itself back.

I don’t know enough yo-yo words to play this out. Something about making a cradle you can’t fit in. Something about making a bed and laying in it.

Something about consequences.

I feel a bit like a failure because I had to book an emergency therapy appointment for tomorrow. It’s right after a doctor’s appointment so I’ll just hop from doctor to doctor, like Humpty Dumpty in denial.

Maybe I can’t be put back together after all.

Maybe I was never more than a pile of eggshell and goop.

Maybe I am frying on the sidewalk, losing translucence, permanently-always-only almost-a-life.

Maybe my old life was just a dream,
and this new life is just a dream,
and every time the yo-yo snaps awake,
a tiny part of me can never go back to sleep again.

8 thoughts on “a great fall

  1. Part of being human is that we feel broken at times. For someone with a traumatic history, falling into ‘the pit’ may be more frightening and dangerous. You are very wise to book a therapy session to help you work through what you are experiencing right now. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings and validate them. Nevertheless, whatever you feel, there’s also the truth that you are a lovable, worthy, valuable person who contributes so much to this world by just being YOU.
    Hugs, and prayers that you’ll feel better pretty soon.

    Liked by 2 people

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