dave specifically, stroke diaries, writing

blogging: (b)link

Yesterday, keeping up with NanoPoblano made me so tired my head ached.

I’m captaining solo this year because I didn’t ask anyone for help.

I didn’t ask anyone for help because this has been a long year of leaning and I just wanted to try to stand up on my own two feet.

My own two feet, and my cane. You know. Close enough.

We’re doing things differently this year, too. We’re encouraging reading and sharing, and to make sure there’s room for it — we cut down required posts to ten.

I’ll be honest with you (as I always try to be)– I’m going for 30 posts anyway. I like to push myself.

At the doctor’s last week, he said I needed to stop pushing myself. That I need to do literally one thing at a time.

If we were having coffee, you’d see me try to do this. I say everything aloud to keep track of it. Sip your decaf coffee. Just sip. No, don’t look up a word. Don’t listen and lift your cup at the same time. One or the other.

How do people do only one thing at a time?

It’s important I try because I walked into a busy street last month. (I was trying to read.) It’s important to try because I almost swallowed a handful of pills last week. (I confused them with candy.)

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that allergy pills shouldn’t be bright pink like confetti, like birthday frosting.

I’d tell you I’m trying to build Nano Poblano into something different. Something that shows us how to marathon as a community, not soloists. I want it to be the trampoline that leaps us to a place where we know each other’s names.

We’re doing Saturday Link Ups this year. You don’t even have to be a Pepper. If you posted the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd of November, you can drop a link in the comments.

https://cheerpeppers.wordpress.com/2019/11/03/saturday-link-up/

I posted the first comment and it made me smile. Such a leap of faith. Build and they will post. Take the first step and they’ll step with you. I hope.

We’ll see.

Some of you have been here long enough to witness the duds. It takes or it doesn’t. Blogging isn’t a precise science. Community isn’t a programmable art.

If we were having coffee, I’d want to hear about you. Did you dress up for Halloween?

I did not.

It took awhile, but this year– I let go of Dave’s favorite holiday. It’s always been a little too creepy for me, but I loved his joy. This year, I told myself it was okay to hold his joy in a blink of time, a passing moment. To memorialize it without trying to make it into some kind of marionette that I control now. I told myself it was okay to not scrape and fight for a bit of joy in this holiday.

I still love Dave. I still love that he loved Halloween.

I just don’t like being scared.

It’s been a decade of frights for me. In an unflattering light, my life is a haunted maze. I don’t need to run through any more.

I’d ask you…

What holidays do you love? And why?

And then I’d listen.

And I’d sip.

And I’d capture all our moments together in a good and sturdy blink.

One thing at a time.

Just like the doctor ordered.

.

.

Many thanks to the #WeekendCoffeeShare : https://eclecticali.wordpress.com/2019/11/01/weekendcoffeeshare-welcome-to-november/

46 thoughts on “blogging: (b)link”

  1. Considering this year, without considering all the other years, you’re doing an amazing job Ra! Maybe you get sick of hearing that when you’re not where you want to be? It’s hard to accept where we are sometimes…whatever the reason we’re there. Anyway…thank you for pepper month, for motivation, for your own words. And I agree – how do you do one thing at a time? I wish we could have coffee together but I think my trips to the US (3! and I never expected one!) are done… x annie

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    1. We could do a facetime coffee some day! Jessie from BehindTheWillows and I have managed it a few times. Though one of us would be drinking up in the middle of the night, ha! 😀 Thank you for reading and supporting.

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    1. I will, if it comes to it. 🙂 I’ve been leaning heavily on helpers for NanoPoblano since I came home. I just wanna try to handle it. But we’ll see. I may tap out. 🙂 Luckily, the team is so great I know I’ll have a safety net if I need one.

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  5. Mmmmmm, coffee. No cream or sugar in move please. Not too hot either. I like to enjoy it without scalding my tongue.
    I love Halloween. Have for as long as I can remember. Used to decorate and throw huge parties. It was the one holiday I really went all out for….
    I don’t as much these years. Time is funny like that. And life. How things are always changing even as they stay the same and vice versa.

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    1. Same. Bill keeps trying to convince me that super hot coffee is better, but I’m not buying it. 🙂

      And yes, life is always always changing. It’s a miracle that we think to lay claim to favorites at all. ❤

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  6. I love any excuse to wear a costume but I didn’t have anything to do this year on Halloween and it felt like too much pressure to find something to do so I stayed home and handed out candy to the few kids who braved the rainstorm we had here!

    I don’t understand how you can blog every day with everything that’s going on with you, it’s either an inspiration or crazy! Or both! But seriously if you need to ask for help and/or need to take a break, don’t worry about it, we got you! ❤

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    1. Braving a rainstorm definitely deserves candy. I suggest we make this a year ’round thing, ha! 🙂 Thank you for offering to help. It’s definitely crazy, 😀 but hopefully it is also rewarding. We will see!

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  7. Managing a link-up and hoping a blogging community will establish itself in a meaningful way is certainly no mean feat. I remember how much goes into it. Glad you’re challenging yourself (though I feel that as a concept isn’t new) and gladder you have a team of people around you to step in if you need them.

    I never liked Halloween. I find it grating that most of the year we tell kids to not take sweets from strangers except this one night when they can dress up and literally go to strangers houses to demand treats.

    Christmas was always my favourite, I think because of the music, the twinkly lights, and the smidgens of goodwill that made their way through at that time of year. Made it a highlight.

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    1. Luckily the linkup will just be through November. I think??? No one knows with me, I might decide to keep doing it after.

      I love Christmas! The lights, the lights, the lights– they make everything so cheery. 🙂

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  8. I just want to hug you, Rara. Your tenacity, your courage, your openness, and gentleness still amaze me.

    But, don’t push too hard, sweetie. It’s like cooking on too high a heat. Some things just end up better when they are allowed to go low and slow.

    *hugs* xoxox ❤

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  10. Oh Ra, it’s so hard to go so slowly when you want to go so fast, and so far and in so many directions. I imagine it’s even harder if you have memories of a time when that was a reality. One that didn’t need thinking about because it just was.

    I love that you’re owning the struggle and the crazy and still carrying on. Regardless. One thing at a time. “Ok. This is my new reality. Let’s see how it works and how to get the most and best out of it.” I love that you’re doing the things you want to do, even, especially, when it’s challenging. Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope you will celebrate your success more than get bogged down by what doesn’t work the way you wanted it to. And I guess that hope is mostly redundant. That, as far as I can see, is who you are. I love that too. Thank you for your inspiration 🙂

    (I don’t really get the fascination with Halloween. I think there’s enough to be scared of already without creating more things. Also, the idea of demanding what you want, and threatening to damage things or do things that hurt people (in small or big ways) if you don’t get what you demand, seems to go against so much of what I believe and so much of how I want to be.

    I used to love getting dressed up though. Not just at Halloween. And being creative with costumes and decorations and pumpkin carving is probably no bad thing as long as there’s no pressure to be better than xyz)

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  11. Ra, I live that you realized that you can love that Dave loved something and love his joy in that something without having to live it yourself. That feels significant and important. It feels like a life lesson of grieving.

    Doing one thing at a time IS HARD! It’s also a meditative practice of being present to the moment you’re in. It’s mindfulness. It’s grounding. It’s a moment by moment connection to the sacredness of living.

    As far as holidays go, they’re not really something I’ve ever connected to. If I had to pick one, I think it would be Easter. Celebrating the transition in to new life. It’s a sign that we’ve survived the barren cold and isolating weather of winter. It’s the anticipation of hope. For me, it’s the end of my long traumaversary season and an annual lightening of my spirit.

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    1. Thanks, Lillian. It really does feel significant to me. A big step in the process of turning grief back into love.

      I am working on the one-thing-at-a-time thing. Blogging is helping with that because writing/reading is still very hard– so in order to do this, I literally cannot do anything else. 🙂 In the kitchen, though, old habits die hard.

      I love that you picked Easter. I feel like it so rarely get picked. Do you do cascarones?

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      1. I don’t really do much to celebrate any holidays…it hasn’t been much of a thing in my life. I also wasn’t raised within the culture of my father, so, I didn’t know about cascarones.

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  12. Dear Ra, I can help if you need. You are a community-building ninja my friend. And one of the last people I’ve read who blogs for the connection and the stories, most of all.

    Go easy on yourself, though.

    Lorna

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    1. Thank you for offering. I’ll keep it mind. 🙂♥️ The stories and connections are everything. I think they just get hidden in the madness of the blogosphere… I’m grateful there’s so many bloggers, like yourself, who pull the curtain back and remind everyone that community is the backbone of everything. 🙂

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  13. This year I skipped Halloween and celebrated the Day of the Dead instead. I dressed up for that because I was the resident Tarot reader at my favorite local metaphysical shop, http://www.CrystalCognizance.com. We went through a lovely ceremony honoring and thanking our dead loved ones. Nothing scary about it. Peaceful really. The candles and incense made me warm inside.

    This Thursday I will continue my celebration with a dumb supper, a meal we will take in silence, leaving room for our loved ones who have passed to speak into our hearts if they so desire. We share a little of our food with them, then bury the food outside after. I am enjoying the solemnity of ritual again. It feels good to pay attention to Spirit in an intentional way, in community with others.

    Speaking of community, thanks for gathering us together, Ra. You are a leader we will gladly follow.

    Namaste,
    ~C

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  14. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I also love Valentine’s day, but since I decided to celebrate love every day of the year the one day has less significance now. I’m sipping my iced coffee as I type. I don’t like to pay for Starbucks so I make my own. I will do Starbucks for a treat. I learned recently that you can get 50 cent refills. So you buy the first coffee and you can get unlimited refills at 50 cents. Of course how long can you stay there, and how much coffee can you drink? LOL Hang in there sweet Ra.

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    1. That’s good to know though I’m not a huge Starbucks fan 🙂 I’m on decaf now, for the brain health, though, so I’ve not actually gone to a coffee shop in awhile. I love Valentine’s day too, because the world becomes filled with hearts– but like you, I celebrate love every day. Why not?

      I hope you’re doing alright though this fire season.

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  15. Glad to have you for coffee! I had such good intentions for NaBloPoMo and NanoPoblano – and here I am just sitting down to laptop on the 3rd of November. I love to write but my idea bank is always dry. I’ll give it my best. Halloween is my all time favorite, maybe putting away all the decorations is what’s exhausted me also. 🙂

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        1. That makes sense. 🙂 We have some prompts on the CheerPeppers.com site, including a vague one from my late husband that is just like “write about something new”, etc. You might wanna check them out!

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  16. I think we all benefit by doing just one thing at the time, but it is an art! A very challenging art at times, I have to say. My best thing with this past weekend was the moments I was just sitting in my camping chair, next to my daughter, listening to her happily chatter away, while breathing some fresh mountain air. I did not dress up for Halloween. In just didn’t feel like it. I did go trick and treating with my daughter. Best of luck with your writing. Thank you for the coffee.

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    1. Yes, it is an art and I have found– when I can manage it– that it’s very rewarding. I’m glad you got to go trick or treating with the little one, fun! Thanks for popping by for coffee. 🙂

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  17. I love NanoPoblano, the blogging community comes to life and it’s such a lovely way to ring in the winter season. Thank you for starting it up every year, and remember we’re around if you need anything.

    This community is so special. It feels welcoming and encouraging, non-judgemental. People from different walks of life and generations. It’s magic.

    My favourite holidays are actually not holidays as such but times of year around those holidays. I think of Halloween as celebrating all things strange, unexplainable, spooky, and of course a time to enjoy favourite horror/spooky films. I’m a bit of a horror fan, and even I’m not sure why! Maybe because horror allows us to release some of our fears and anxieties? Then after Halloween we have Bonfire Night – a bit scary with the noise of fireworks, but still a bit enchanting.

    And of course the lead up to Christmas – the lights, the good cheer, goodwill, smells, and tastes. It starts with my birthday on the 2nd Dec and ends with ushering in a New Year with all the hope that brings. I like to keep the lights up that little bit longer into the winter, rather than taking them down – I think people do that in the Netherlands sometimes too.

    I guess I like holidays that have some sort of magic to them! Magic everywhere! 😀

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    1. Bonfire Night sounds lovely, and yes– the lead up to Christmas is a good deal of the charm. Magic is a lovely thing to celebrate. 🙂

      I’m so glad you’re enjoying NanoPoblano. I love our team so very much. ❤

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