journals, stroke diaries

happy

Tweet from @GerryMcBride reads: My little girl is 2 and whenever she’s happy she will just shout out ‘HAPPY’, there is nothing purer in this world than when she’s just sitting playing with toys or eating toast and just yells out ‘HAPPY’ to let the universe know it’s doing a good job

The last few days have been very good days for me, and I find myself so charmed by the possibility that this could be every day, or most days, that I just want to shout HAPPY from around a mouthful of toast. Thank you, Universe. You’re doing a good job.

Some from the laundry list of reasons:

My current stage of neurotherapy tests have become simple. It feels sudden, to see a screen of scattered numbers and suddenly be able to connect the dots with ease. It feels magical, to follow a blue circle as it moves across a screen and not lose sight of it when it briefly purples itself behind a red circle, or greens itself behind a yellow, or changes shape, or slides into my periphery.

Happy.

My headaches and eye floaters only appear if I am truly and justifiably exhausted. What this means is, I can see things clearly again. I can look at a person’s face, and not see a cloud over their eyes. Winter has warmed itself into a springtime for my vision.

Happy.

I have used this health well. I wrote my first batch of Christmas cards. (Form at the bottom if you want one.) I found a website that I think is going to really help me finish my book ideas. I will tell you all about it if it does. For now, I am content to have a plan, and to be able to see how much work I have already done towards these efforts. It’s hopeful to see how I didn’t abandon myself through any of this. My work continued even when I didn’t have the capacity to connect the dots towards any particular shape.

I figured out my french toast casserole for one recipe, with a Chicana twist, and I keep thinking more and more about a cookbook for one or two that is full of more than just the standard USian dishes. Chicken curry. Dulce de leche french toast casserole. Saffron panacotta. Mushroom fried rice. Cilantro soup. Cardamom cake. Maybe more of a cooking zine and less of a book, since I’m not certain who the audience is. You’d need a pantry full of spice and oil for these recipes, but they are worth it.

Though, today, I’m feeling like all my projects are worth it.

Happy.

After years of petitioning, and reading my poems, and writing postcards, and making campaign videos, there has finally been significant change in Los Angeles county. In the election, there were some major wins. But this week, our new district attorney has shifted everything, and I cried and cried in relief. There are some organizations and women who have been fighting this fight for years before I even moved to Long Beach, and I played a very very tiny role, but it feels good to have participated at all. To know that I didn’t let go of hope no matter how slippery it became.

Thank you, Universe. You’re doing a good job.

I fixed a few websites up in the last few days. It felt like doing something very familiar, in a very different way or place. Like washing dishes blindfolded. Like washing dishes in a river. Like washing dishes in a castle or industrial kitchen. It’s the same, but it’s not.

In the end, though, I did the thing.

I never wrote much before about how much I loved my job, but I did. I’d speak at career days and tell kids the truth– that I helped build the world where they would be spending a significant portion of their time. That when you code, and when you build websites, you are shaping an entire civilization. You are a bricklayer, an architect, a dreamer for hire, and it is, for most of us, humble work– late nights and invisible credits and forgotten builds– but it is satisfying work. We made a universe out of dust.

What I did in the last few days is entry level stuff. Things that someone with a good head for technology could figure out with youtube tutorials and a day.

But I did it. With this chipped brain and all.

Happy.

I find myself doubly blessed to have people to scream Happy at, people who always join me in the celebration of a tiny tiny tiny tiny step.

Thank you, Universe.

Want a holiday card or a “Hope is an Essential Service” postcard in your mailbox? Send me your info. I have 12 more world-wide stamps, so this includes non-USians. ❤

30 thoughts on “happy”

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    | | | i am so happy for you! 

    Thanks,

    Tamar  Raine

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Announcing my New BOOK!Life is a Journey; A Poetry Retrospective 1965 – 2008 You can find it on Barnes & Noble, or Amazon.

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    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Thank you!! 🌼🌸🌺 The DA got rid of cash bail (without implementing a racist algorithm in its place), made it impossible to try a kiddo as an adult, and said we could no longer charge people for things that were really just “being poor “ or “being homeless”. And he is no longer going to let the office seek the death penalty. And more!

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

  11. This is very beautiful! I’m aslo reminded to be grateful of the things, no matter how small they are, that has happened. Have only read some of your posts recently, but I loved them. 🙂

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