journals

the buzz

My old apartment didn’t get flies: I used to say they knew it wasn’t big enough for them. This apartment has a tendency toward a buzzing, so I need to buy a fruit bowl with a lid or a net.

My old apartment was a thimble with a magic wardrobe. My new place is a rainbow, and my bedroom is the start of it. The kitchen and main room yawn into each other, a long lolling tongue of space.

The move here has been no easier than it is to turn a thimble upside down and pour out every color the light can hold.

Let’s start with the things I’ve lost recently:

  • Access to my old email address
  • Access to the new account for two weeks
  • Three plain white t-shirts
  • A microfiber towel I use to clean my desk
  • My doctor (retired)
  • My neurotherapist (passed away)
  • A small blue dinosaur toy from a plastic quarter machine
  • Time
  • Proximity to my bodega of choice
  • Waking up to a feeling of strain/fear
  • The ability to eat toast without being sick
  • An unreasonable amount of money into deposits and living necessities, honestly, how does anyone afford moving?

Some of these things must be packed away together, somewhere. Some of them are gone for good.

Some things I have found:

I’ve been going so quickly, it’s hard to keep track. I missed a few things in all that bustle.

  • You
  • Writing
  • Reading
  • “Ra’s Re-birthday”, the celebration of my 6th year home from prison
  • Rarasaur blog’s 9th birthday
  • The Gnome Home’s anniversary

I have made many lists. What does one need to start again? You’d think I’d be an expert but every time this happens, my brain goes numb.

When you lose access to your email address, the first and most responsible step is to email anyone you can, or reach out them to another way, to let them know where you’ve gone. I know this but I’ve stalled. I’ve sent seven emails from the new account, and if you weren’t one of the seven, please don’t be hurt: Mamasaur still doesn’t have the right information either.

But my lists get smaller, somehow.

Some items have been on a list so long that they’re fossilizing into my bones. A hundred years after my death, if my family forgets to ash me into raincloud, someone will find my bones and read upon them:

She meant to.

She meant to what, they’ll ask, but they’ll never solve it because the answer is everything. She meant to do everything but only got so far as researching a fruit bowl with a lid.

2 of ?

26 thoughts on “the buzz”

  1. Is a thing? A fruit bowl with a lid? We sort of use the buzzing as a reminder to eat the fruit faster. But the buzzing is a way of life here, especially in the summer when we never seem to shut our doors.

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      1. Hah! Well shoot. I was really hoping it was a thing. But we have become rather good at eating it all before it goes bad. Not perfect but we’re getting as close as we ever could be.

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  2. I just typed the msg below to another blogger. I’m pasting it here rather than retyping because my hands get slower by the day🙃 ….

    …I’m reminded of Mother Theresa’s response to a reporter when asked if she was overwhelmed by all of the sickness and poverty surrounding her. She said something like….No. I’m never overwhelmed because I’m doing what I OUGHT to do and that’s enough!
Know that whatever you’re doing…it’s enough….and let the rest go. You don’t have to fix everything. You just have to do what you can and that’s enough.
Wishing you peace 🌺…

    Huge hugs flying your way💜

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  4. As we grow or our time in life becomes threatened or seems fragile, we all tend away from doing things for the sake of it, and towards nurturing the relationships that matter most. Atul Gawande taught me that and it’s fascinating.

    I’m sad you lost the little dinosaur.

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    1. Dave bought it out of a quarter machine. He was so dazzled by those machines. So I’m pretty sad about it, too, but I hope it is around here somewhere. I will sit with Gawande’s wisdom a bit, thank you for sharing it. ❤

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  8. I’m just glad to hear you’re okay — I’d been noticing there didn’t seem to be much activity from you recently here or on FB (since I’m kind of spotty, could have been me not seeing) and wondered if all was well. Hope the new place settles quickly and you’re comfortable and happy there.

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  10. Dear Rawr,
    Your post is making my writing hand freeze. Is there another human who has gone through so much pain? There is no one I can think of, but only this, I’m told God tests those humans whom He loves most, He is testing you how much you can endure. I’m absolutely sure, you have attained the victory, perhaps you didn’t dream of, but you have. I see it.
    In life material things come and go, do not think about them, they are chapters in your life which gave you happiness for a moment. God willing, you will gain much more than you’ve lost. This is my prayer and feelings for you. Stay well, be happy and keep writing, you must show the world how good you are! 🙂

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