6. honoring the murmur

Today, I’ve really missed being in a relationship. Not enough to go down that path again, but enough to catch a glimmer of a murmur of the shadow of the want.

Before 9am, three different friends had texted to tell me that they thought of someone I should be dating. Three very random suggestions, from folks who do not make a habit of this. As I explained to them what I don’t want, I moved in closer to what I do want, and the tether of that pulls my heart.

I’ve said before and I’ll say again, I am a creature of love, so I don’t expect to be uninterested in it forever. I just don’t think it’ll be anytime soon.

Today, I’ve been really overwhelmed by the noise of the world. It seems every few seconds, there’s a beep or a thump. TV leaves a sort of waterstain of sound and I hear it leak through the walls and doors at all hours of the day and night. A dog trainer lives just past the alley, and a big-footed man lives upstairs, and the ocean carries foghorn screams.

The people I have romantically-loved have had a lighthouse-light of quiet inside them, brighter than all of space and time. You can’t buy it or even replicate it, though I’ve tried. I own so many headphones and earplugs, and one time I even put my head in an expensive box made of pillows, but it is not the same. Not the same as listening to the deep breathing of someone who has a true and faithful relationship with silence.

Today was soft, but it could have been softer. Cuddles softer. Shoulder-leaning softer. It was a cold day outside, and a perfect day to sit in the warm company of another.

It was nice to move a pinch towards that want.

I am full of heart and gratitude when I think of the people who have romantically-loved me. I am so grateful for the time I’ve spent with them, and all the gloriousness they gifted my life.

But I’m currently very busy trying to find the lighthouse in me, trying to turn the light on. I know I will not find a beacon of quiet— my relationship with all sides of noise is complicated at best– but maybe what I do find will be a different kind of necessary beautiful.

Maybe even something glorious.


13 thoughts on “6. honoring the murmur

  1. Silence can be such an amazing thing! But elusive. I went on a silent retreat back in June, it was wondrous. One thing that stuck with me was the idea that silence and contemplation is a practice, not an end goal. It’s not some place you go out and look for, but a place you return to, and the more you return there the easier it is to find.

    I”m not sure if that makes any sense but in any case… you ARE glorious! 💚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I have a lot of noise inside me too! 😅 It’s not just ADHD brain it’s also tinnitus and song lyrics and conversations with myself 🙈 I think trying to make peace with that is important to me now. It’s funny – being deaf I’ve never really had silence, even with hearing aids off. The closest I get to it is reading or just sitting outside and breathing (but then there’s visual noise of course). Big hugs 💜

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are such a captivating and talented writer. I often reread sentences or paragraphs you have written to let them sink in a little more. Thanks for sharing your gift with us. I’m excited to purchase your books, added them to my Amazon wish list today!


  4. “But I’m currently very busy trying to find the lighthouse in me, trying to turn the light on.” This! I so know this. Don and I didn’t get together until I was 48 and he 56. It was worth the wait. And the wait was necessary.
    We both had to grow
    into being able to know
    how to let love in and shine it out.
    You’re alright Ra. There’s plenty of time.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Don’t be too quick to look for pure silence. Remember, silence is the absence of something. What you should be on the lookout for is the music that is harmony to yours. That’s what I was lucky enough to find, and since a lump like me could find someone, I’m sure a symphony of soul such as yourself has someone out there for you. Just don’t look too hard – the universe has a strange, mystic way to bring souls together. (In my case, I had to travel to Texas to meet an Indiana girl who – brace yourself – let me throw up in her bathroom on our 2nd meeting. Now that’s love! 🙂 )

    Seriously, I pride myself on being a man of science, yet no science could ever predict how my wife and I met. Just keep your heart open, and you’ll find your music, or silence, or whatever – where, when, and how you least expect.



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