Invoice for a few hours at the ER three months ago, only 3k after insurance. Since then: over a half a dozen more CT scans and MRIs, two more emergency visits, 1 ambulance, a dozen more EKGs, countless blood draws (though we know someone is counting), a few handfuls of IVs, eight full neurotherapy appointments, and myriad of vision/sensation testing. And of course there's the old stuff -- physical therapy for my hip, muscle testing and x-rays of my hip, all the hormone tests, and regular therapy.
Medical stuff is expensive, scary, and time-consuming. For many, it's also lonely and overwhelming.
Because of my medical team and my community, I feel like someone is always there to hold my hand, and well... that makes me only a little whelmed.
#gratitude
Last night's joy was a theater full of beautiful, talented people-- and a community that holds them precious.
Thank you to @thedefinitivesoapbox for making space for everyone, and for manifesting the 2019 Long Beach Poetry Slam.
#ThisIsLongBeach #LongBeachCA #RetroRow #PreParty #LBPS2019 #LongBeachPoetry #LongBeachPoetrySlam #PoetrySlam #4thStreetLB
There's this thing that happens now, where I don't recognize elements once they're flattened-- video'd, photographed, mirrored. Even myself. It's like everything is suddenly absurd once it's the only thing I'm focused on. Clouds! Lattes! Forks! They're ridiculous. Like life. Like the way I see myself for the first time every morning. Like the way I see the selfies y'all post and think -- "they are gorgeous" -- and then later -- "wait, that's my friend! My friend is gorgeous." And then I remember all these wonderful things about you and get uplifted, thinking on how the highlights of my community goes so far beyond our eye lights. All this probably happens in the background of a healthy brain-- a small boost when we see the face of someone on our team, someone from our village. But my brain is repairing itself like a little watch, so I've had to set my face aside to see the gears, to see how they tug each other along. I know the energy to move at all comes from my people. Somewhere, outside my mirror, my people tug me along, and the good vibes are kinetic. I'm doing so much better, even though I still don't quite tick or tock. The person in this photo is trying to let time happen. The person in this picture is on your team. The person in this picture loves your pet photos, your back-to-school shoot, your new haircut selfies, your face. The person in this photo is so grateful for your face and for you. (This was so complex to write. I dictated. Then had the bot read it to me so I could fix things. It took all day. There's probably still mistakes. I almost used a photo of a fork instead but, honestly, they're unsettling right now.)
Bought a jar of happy pills at #lbzinefest2019 . I was told they were filled with miscellaneous positive affirmations. ♥️ The first one I opened said: you are loved.
#SomeMessagesAlwaysFindAWay
#YouAreLoved #Rawr
StrokeBrain: You should post that picture of the pinecone today.
Brain: I don't know what you mean.
StrokeBrain: Pinecone.
Brain: Wut.
StrokeBrain: Pinecone. 🌴
Brain: Oh, I think it's called a... hmmm.
StrokeBrain: Pinecone. Definitely.
.
+ten minutes passes+
Me, around people who don't know anything is wrong with me: Oh! It's a palm tree. It's a palm tree!! Yay!!
.
.
+ten minutes passes+
Caption: Happy Saturday, please enjoy this pineapple!!! #MeAllDayWithEverything
My life is a waiting room. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to not be a patient. I'm trying to lose weight. French toast is not helping, but it is delicious. Pictures don't make sense right now. Sentences don't link the way they used to, which has probably been true for months but I'm well enough to notice it now. I have a lot to say but I don't know where to share it, how to say it, or why. I'm distracted by the lint on my hat. I'm waiting a lot, flipping through magazines I can't read, being genuinely surprised by how much time has passed.
#TheBestUpdateICanManageToday
#3MonthsSinceTheFirstStrokeRelatedHospitalVisit
#6MonthsSinceTheFirstSymptom
#35YearsAndOneWeekYearsOld
My new custom patch from @mokododesign makes my heart so happy. Who are some of your favorite still-living poets?
#poetry #poets #teachlivingpoets #shopsmall #handmade
A few days ago, my neurotherapist suggested counting the sentences I type in chats or jot in my notebook. That way, it's easier to see if I've been overdoing it. (Spoilers: Yes.) The continued social hiatus plus this accountability has significantly minimized strain. The physical ailments still thrive, but I'm emotionally strong enough to face them suddenly.
Stroke Brain is a ridiculous thing. Last night, after fiddling with my new phone in frustration, I finally handed it to my roommate and asked for help. I told him everything on the screen was upside down... He took the phone... and turned it right side up. 🙈 It was like seeing magic. ✨ It took a solid 3 seconds to comprehend that I had been holding my phone upside down for an hour. And then, as frustrating as those brain slips are, we deep-belly laughed... because ... life. 🤷🏽♀️ So, things are the same. But somehow things are also better.
Tonight, I put my brush in the fridge. 🤦🏽♀️ But fried brain and limpy body and all, I'm going to bed happy.
Thank you for the light and prayer that got me to here. 🙏🏾♥️
Lately my sense of self is like a smudgy picture of a reflection.
